I miss you, my sweets

I miss you, darling
Like the deserts miss the rain
Like frantic flies
On the window pane
I miss you, sweetie
Like starving children long for a reason
Like the poor farmer
Craves for his season
I miss you, lovely
Like the depths of the earth’s growl
Like a pack of hungry beasts
On the prowl
I miss you, my sweets
Like the mass of prayers I send
Like this universe
Stretches out to no end
--I love you, Briana

Defeated

Now, over one year after Briana went to Heaven, some days are good, never great, and some days are just bad, very, very bad. Some days I feel victorious in my battle with life's elements, but some days I feel defeated. Today I feel extremely defeated. The pelting of this harsh rain and beating of these strong winds have me begging for mercy. Please, Lord, just please give me peace, grant me strength - I feel so broken and heavy-laden. I know only you can lift up this head of mine and keep me from falling.

Last night I laid awake thinking of Briana, and of the happy times we spent together. I thought about our trips to the store, bath time together, holding her ever so proudly in my arms in public, beeming, screaming "Look at her, this is my daughter, and, boy, am I proud to be her mommy". These happy moments flash before my eyes, being embedded in my memory, but then are quickly overcome with the knowledge that she's gone. Happiness turns into sadness, simple joys into streams of tears. Defeat.

If Only I Knew

If only I knew the dangers,
I would have done what is right
I’d given it all
To save you that night
I would have watched you sleep
Grin in your dream’s delight
Never for one second,
Let you out of my sight
I would have held you
Never to let you go, my grasp so tight
Fought off the kiss of death
With all of my might
And if only I could
Now that I can see the light
I so wish to go back
To save you that night

A Poem to Briana

I feel you
I feel you in the dark of night
When I gaze at the moon that lights up the dark sky
I see the brightness I once saw in your eyes
I feel you
I feel you in the heat of the day
When I turn my face to the cool breeze
I feel you
I feel you when I lay down and dream
And feel the vibration of my beating heart
I feel you
I feel you in the wind
When I turn my face into the breeze
And it brushes my skin so lightly
I feel you
I feel you in the warmth of the sun
As it touches my cool skin,
Giving it a warm glow
I feel you

Life After Death

Unfortunately, for me, there is life after the death of my daughter, as unbearable as it can be most days. I am trying to regain some hope for my future in this world, and this pregnancy helps, but I don't know if I'll truly be able to embrace the beauty of life the same as I once did. I know that once I have Avalyn in my arms, that I will be overcome with love and joy, but will it be the same? Or, will this deep crater within my heart prevent me from ever feeling content and fulfilled, no matter what happiness the rest of my years can offer? Will I always feel so empty and broken? If only there was a magic window or lense I could peer into and see myself years from now; how will I be when I am old and grey, how will I feel? Or maybe I really don't want to have a sneak peak into my future...what if it remains dark and grey? What if the sun never shines again? What if I don't make it until I am old and grey? Even if I do, will I just be counting down the days until I see my sunshine, my Briana, again?

I want to KNOW that she is in Heaven and that I will hold her again; that I will see her smile, take in her smell, once again. I believe that I will. She is so good and so pure, without absolutely any imperfection, if there is indeed a place like Heaven, she would be there. Jesus, are you holding my baby? Tell me that she is well...so much better than she could be here on this tainted Earth. Does she dance? Is she playing with other children lost? Is she excited to see me again? I want to know...I need to know. How is my baby? How does one hear God? I wish I could hear you, I bet you are speaking to me now, reassuring me of your goodness and mercy; whispering in my ear that my Briana is better than ever, and that she is, too, counting down the days until she sees her mommy again.

Count them down, my sweet angel baby. Mommy is busy counting, too. My heart aches to reach you again. My arms ache to hold you one more time. I will not be satisfied until the time comes that we are one again. Space and time may separate us, but my heart is forever linked with yours.