Letters to Heaven

Dearest Briana

We all miss you so much, Briana. Time doesn't make the longing disappear. Your sister is 5 months old now and is keeping mommy and daddy on our toes every waking moment, but we are enjoying it immensely. I look at her and sometimes see you, looking right back at me, wide-eyed and bushy-tailed. Your sister reminds me of you so much, even though you look vastly different. She shares a lot of the same personality traits as you; she is extremely fiesty; has her cuddly, gentle moments when she is all smiles, then she has her stubborn, demanding moments when it seems like nothing will soothe her. She LOVES being outside so we spend a lot of time out there. She is eager to learn and explore, just like you, but hasn't quite figured out how to get around much just yet. You were trying to crawl at day 1. So much alike, you two. Knowing that brings boths smiles and tears and it always will.

No matter how busy I am, you are always foremost on my mind. I look at your pictures all of the time so that at any moment when I want to remember your face, I can see it as clear as day. I think of our times together, constantly refreshing my memory. You made me so happy, Briana, and losing you temporarily took all of my happiness away. Now that I am able to remember and sometimes smile about it, some of that happiness is being restored back into my life. Your sister has also restored some of that happiness, too. I have to be happy for her, and for your dad, and for myself. I remind myself that it is okay to be happy, it is okay to smile and to love life. I know you want that for me.

I am missing you, always.

Mommy

Pain in Laughter

I remember the first time I laughed after Briana passed. Brian and I were in the car and Brian made a joke of something, I don't quite remember what, and I tentatively broke out into a quiet laugh. This chuckle only lasted a second or two before I caught myself...did I just laugh? Why am I laughing? There is nothing to laugh about!! Never again will I break like that!

I don't remember how soon after her passing this event occured, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. I hysterically broke down into an aching cry, yelling at myself for allowing myself to have a laugh. Brian explained to me that it is okay to smile again, to laugh again, and that one day it won't hurt to do those things. I didn't believe him. The pain I felt after I laughed was so intense, so real. How could I ever laugh or smile without my baby?

Over a year and a half later, the pain I used to feel when allowing myself to 'have a good time' or chuckle a bit has dissipated and is almost nonexistent. Especially now with having Briana's little sister around, laughter is a common visitor to my lips and it feels good. How could we not just live with a constant smile on our faces with little Avalyn around to cheer us up? But there are still times I think about it, the pain that once loomed after grins and giggles. And it still shows up every so often, but not as strongly. It's wonderful to experience true happiness again, with no guilt attached.

My Valentine

Today is Valentine's Day; never a much celebrated holiday in our house, but it still stirs up the love emotion inside. How I wish I could spend this day, or any day, with beautiful Briana. She'd be closing in on age two, and perhaps she and I would bake heart cookies or muffins for daddy on this day, or make a lovely card for him showing our appreciation. It's hard not to imagine how any day might be like if she were here in our home, together, a family, especially on heartfelt days like today. Still, I also imagine what she is doing in Heaven. No matter here or there, she still is my sweet Valentine. Briana, my heart and love goes out to you.