5 Years Ago....

Dear Briana,

Five years ago today you were all mine. I was never a happier person; the joy of being a mother is unmatched, irreplaceable. Thank you for making me a mother.

Now I imagine you at age five, as I do every year, for every birthday. I still imagine you with bright blue eyes, perhaps with curly dark hair like your sister...

You would be starting kindergarten soon, learning invaluable tools that would inevitably help you build a career. You would be making friends, playing organized games, and reading and writing....

I can't believe it's been five years...it really doesn't feel like it's been that long. Your presence still feels fresh; while some of my memories have faded, most of them are still crisp and clear.

I guess I will always think of you as my sweet, playful baby girl. Even at 3 months old, you were so active. You were close to sitting up...you held your head up high, played with toys, smiled all of the time, and made eye contact. I just remember you always wanting to see everything. One time at Target, I was pushing you in the cart and you were laying in your car seat. You began to whine a bit, so I put on my fingers and you quickly grasped them with your hands. I then pulled you up to sitting position, and just like that you were as happy as a clam. You could see everything. As soon as I laid you back again, you started to whine. I just smiled because you were just so cute. I remember being so happy pushing you around, so proud to be your mommy. I felt so complete with my little girl, my precious daughter.

Your sister talks about you a lot now. When she woke up this morning, I told her it was your birthday. She said, "but Briana is in Heaven". I told her "I know, but it's still her birthday". She is very confused not knowing how we will get you cake and balloons to Heaven. I am reassured in knowing Heaven doesn't need cake, presents, or balloons.

I love you Briana and you are on my mind today, the 27th of March 2012.

As always,

Mommy

Your 5th Birthday

Dear Briana,

We are approaching your 5th Birthday, and I can't help but feel somber just thinking about it. So many emotions revisit me this time of the year. It's all bittersweet....I remember the joy and elation of giving birth to you, but the remembrance of losing you is just so overwhelming.

Still...I can so clearly think back to the early morning hours of March 27, 2007, and feel the knots in my stomach knowing I was moments from holding you, something I had longed for and imagined for so long. I remember the shock and terror I felt when the nurse told me we had to be rushed in for an emergency c-section when your heart rate kept plummeting. I remember feeling faint and ill just moments before you were born, but then I heard your voice, and the world froze for an instant. Your cry was loud, strong, piercing...all of my doubts and anxieties quickly subsided, and I fell into a sea of calm. Then I saw your face, wrapped tightly in a blanket, your eyes were wide open to the world in amazement and utter shock. I wanted so desperately to hold you in my arms and tell you everything was okay but I could barely move anything but my head. Daddy held you close to my face as I took in your beauty and said hello. I remember holding you for the very first time an hour or so later. Your skin pressed up against mine felt so right, and you laid there calm and quiet, eyes wide open. I remember pressing my face against your soft, bald head and taking in your smell. You were precious, and holding you in my arms felt just as right as I imagined it feeling. You were perfect in every way.

Tomorrow will be hard, though every day is a struggle with you gone. I try to look at your pictures and appreciate those special moments we had with you. I have to somehow allow those memories to take precedence over the others. Maybe one day that will come more naturally. For now, I just know I miss you terribly and wish things were different.

I love you and my whole heart aches for you,

Mommy

My Briana

Briana,

My words can not accurately express how much I miss and adore you... you have blessed my life more than I will ever know. You are very much alive in my heart today and always...

Mommy

Hugs & Kisses XOXO

This morning four years ago, we were mourning Briana's loss with incredible pain and disbelief. Today, we still mourn. Her life was so short and much of my memories of her can flash before my eyes in an instant. Losing her has forced me to realize the delicateness of life, and the complete and utter sadness of the finality in death. My head starts buzzing with confusion and I ask myself what the purpose of all of this really is? The purpose of our creation, and of life here, when Heaven is momentously better. Sometimes life doesn't seem worth living when you're being plundered by grief and torment. And it's all around us, in ever nook and cranny, spread across the globe. It's hard enough to see it hit others but when it hits you, it's like nothing else.

Life can be, and is ultimately, very sweet, even with its twists and turns. Life is about opportunity...the opportunity to obtain life-long relationships, to experience love, to touch a life, to laugh, to share, to grow, to make a difference. Life is worth sticking it out through the terrible times, really. Just when your world is tumbling in on you, it's nearly impossible to see opportunity. All that is seen is opportunity lost....gone in the blink of an eye.

Today I still remind myself of why life is so worth living. When I feel paralyzed by guilt and fear, I look at Avalyn and am quickly reminded. She is why life is still good...and all of the people I know and love.

Dancing in the Rain

Dear Briana,

Sometimes people ask me if things are getting better, or if I am feeling better, in comparison to almost four years ago...when you went away. That's such a dynamic question...some days I feel like I can truthfully answer yes to that question, but other days I am not so sure if I can with all honesty. Like I have always said, time does make things easier, as the rawness of it all wanes, but time surely doesn't heal. The pain and anger, the frustration, regret...it's all still there if I want to dig deep enough.

I hate the thought that I have moved on or moved pass what happened to you, and I know that isn't completely true. I have learned to once again enjoy the beauty in this world and in life, but I know I still am not 100% where I once was, and perhaps will never be. I can now get through the day without a terrible breakdown, I can listen to certain songs without crying (sometimes), look at pictures without sobbing, talk about you without wanting to claw off my face...

STILL, I love you with the same intensity that any mother loves their child, and most likely with more. I have learned that 'healing' (if you want to call it that) is okay, and that smiling and laughing is acceptable, and that loving is necessary....again. I have learned that sometimes life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, but about learning to dance in the rain....

Love always,

Mommy

My Blue Eyes

Your eyes follow me where ever I go....you are always with me, always tugging at my heart. I promise to remember.