5 Years Ago....

Dear Briana,

Five years ago today you were all mine. I was never a happier person; the joy of being a mother is unmatched, irreplaceable. Thank you for making me a mother.

Now I imagine you at age five, as I do every year, for every birthday. I still imagine you with bright blue eyes, perhaps with curly dark hair like your sister...

You would be starting kindergarten soon, learning invaluable tools that would inevitably help you build a career. You would be making friends, playing organized games, and reading and writing....

I can't believe it's been five years...it really doesn't feel like it's been that long. Your presence still feels fresh; while some of my memories have faded, most of them are still crisp and clear.

I guess I will always think of you as my sweet, playful baby girl. Even at 3 months old, you were so active. You were close to sitting up...you held your head up high, played with toys, smiled all of the time, and made eye contact. I just remember you always wanting to see everything. One time at Target, I was pushing you in the cart and you were laying in your car seat. You began to whine a bit, so I put on my fingers and you quickly grasped them with your hands. I then pulled you up to sitting position, and just like that you were as happy as a clam. You could see everything. As soon as I laid you back again, you started to whine. I just smiled because you were just so cute. I remember being so happy pushing you around, so proud to be your mommy. I felt so complete with my little girl, my precious daughter.

Your sister talks about you a lot now. When she woke up this morning, I told her it was your birthday. She said, "but Briana is in Heaven". I told her "I know, but it's still her birthday". She is very confused not knowing how we will get you cake and balloons to Heaven. I am reassured in knowing Heaven doesn't need cake, presents, or balloons.

I love you Briana and you are on my mind today, the 27th of March 2012.

As always,

Mommy

Your 5th Birthday

Dear Briana,

We are approaching your 5th Birthday, and I can't help but feel somber just thinking about it. So many emotions revisit me this time of the year. It's all bittersweet....I remember the joy and elation of giving birth to you, but the remembrance of losing you is just so overwhelming.

Still...I can so clearly think back to the early morning hours of March 27, 2007, and feel the knots in my stomach knowing I was moments from holding you, something I had longed for and imagined for so long. I remember the shock and terror I felt when the nurse told me we had to be rushed in for an emergency c-section when your heart rate kept plummeting. I remember feeling faint and ill just moments before you were born, but then I heard your voice, and the world froze for an instant. Your cry was loud, strong, piercing...all of my doubts and anxieties quickly subsided, and I fell into a sea of calm. Then I saw your face, wrapped tightly in a blanket, your eyes were wide open to the world in amazement and utter shock. I wanted so desperately to hold you in my arms and tell you everything was okay but I could barely move anything but my head. Daddy held you close to my face as I took in your beauty and said hello. I remember holding you for the very first time an hour or so later. Your skin pressed up against mine felt so right, and you laid there calm and quiet, eyes wide open. I remember pressing my face against your soft, bald head and taking in your smell. You were precious, and holding you in my arms felt just as right as I imagined it feeling. You were perfect in every way.

Tomorrow will be hard, though every day is a struggle with you gone. I try to look at your pictures and appreciate those special moments we had with you. I have to somehow allow those memories to take precedence over the others. Maybe one day that will come more naturally. For now, I just know I miss you terribly and wish things were different.

I love you and my whole heart aches for you,

Mommy

My Briana

Briana,

My words can not accurately express how much I miss and adore you... you have blessed my life more than I will ever know. You are very much alive in my heart today and always...

Mommy

Hugs & Kisses XOXO

This morning four years ago, we were mourning Briana's loss with incredible pain and disbelief. Today, we still mourn. Her life was so short and much of my memories of her can flash before my eyes in an instant. Losing her has forced me to realize the delicateness of life, and the complete and utter sadness of the finality in death. My head starts buzzing with confusion and I ask myself what the purpose of all of this really is? The purpose of our creation, and of life here, when Heaven is momentously better. Sometimes life doesn't seem worth living when you're being plundered by grief and torment. And it's all around us, in ever nook and cranny, spread across the globe. It's hard enough to see it hit others but when it hits you, it's like nothing else.

Life can be, and is ultimately, very sweet, even with its twists and turns. Life is about opportunity...the opportunity to obtain life-long relationships, to experience love, to touch a life, to laugh, to share, to grow, to make a difference. Life is worth sticking it out through the terrible times, really. Just when your world is tumbling in on you, it's nearly impossible to see opportunity. All that is seen is opportunity lost....gone in the blink of an eye.

Today I still remind myself of why life is so worth living. When I feel paralyzed by guilt and fear, I look at Avalyn and am quickly reminded. She is why life is still good...and all of the people I know and love.

Dancing in the Rain

Dear Briana,

Sometimes people ask me if things are getting better, or if I am feeling better, in comparison to almost four years ago...when you went away. That's such a dynamic question...some days I feel like I can truthfully answer yes to that question, but other days I am not so sure if I can with all honesty. Like I have always said, time does make things easier, as the rawness of it all wanes, but time surely doesn't heal. The pain and anger, the frustration, regret...it's all still there if I want to dig deep enough.

I hate the thought that I have moved on or moved pass what happened to you, and I know that isn't completely true. I have learned to once again enjoy the beauty in this world and in life, but I know I still am not 100% where I once was, and perhaps will never be. I can now get through the day without a terrible breakdown, I can listen to certain songs without crying (sometimes), look at pictures without sobbing, talk about you without wanting to claw off my face...

STILL, I love you with the same intensity that any mother loves their child, and most likely with more. I have learned that 'healing' (if you want to call it that) is okay, and that smiling and laughing is acceptable, and that loving is necessary....again. I have learned that sometimes life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, but about learning to dance in the rain....

Love always,

Mommy

My Blue Eyes

Your eyes follow me where ever I go....you are always with me, always tugging at my heart. I promise to remember.

Your Birthday

Dear Briana

So it's just past midnight, the 27th of March, 2011, and today already reminds me of all that should have been. You would be 4 today and we would be celebrating fittingly; party, cake, balloons, friends, all of that. You would be a wide-eyed, bushy-tailed, fun, energetic preschooler. I think of how it would be - how you would be - and it overwhelms me with a certain sadness. I still see other kids and picture you in their shoes, doing the things they're doing, playing hop-scotch at the park, riding bikes, climbing trees. Even though it's hard to imagine, I must envision what would had been.

I miss you terribly, not only on your birthday, but especially on your birthday. I think of the day I birthed you with a common joy and sadness. I can only hope that one day I can think of you and feel nothing but great happiness; perhaps only then will I truly know how proud I am to call myself your mother.

As always,

mommy

3/23/2007

Hi sweetheart. I am now 6 days past your estimated due date and feeling a little saddened that I haven’t met you yet. Daddy and I thought for sure we’d have you by now. If you decide not to come in the next few days, your doctor is going to make you come out. I am scheduled to go to the hospital to start labor on Monday night, the 26th of March. If this happens, I should be holding you in my arms by Tuesday. A part of me is excited because I know I will have my little girl within a few days, but another part of me is disappointed that it may not happen on its own. I wish I had some sort of sign of labor so I know you’re ready to meet the world, but I haven’t felt anything that would suggest you are. Only you know…I wish you would just let me know! I have our bags packed and ready to go and your car seat is snugly fastened in my car. All I need is a sign from you to tell me to get going.

I feel you moving all the time and I can see your little body jostling around in my belly. It looks like your little butt is always sticking out as far as possible. I push on you some times and you move into another position…I guess you don’t want to be pushed! Daddy and I were watching television the other night and you were moving like crazy. Daddy was so amazed at you and couldn’t help but smile. It is so sweet to see him so intrigued by our little girl. He likes to put his hand on my belly and rub you. He makes you move every time. Seems like you don’t want to be touched! Well, Briana, I will try to write again soon, but hopefully you will decide to come before I have the chance. I love you hunny and I will meet you any day

now!

March 27, 2007

Dear Briana

Four long years ago, heavily pregnant and eager in anticipation, I so longed to hold you in my arms. We were several days past our due date and I wondered if the day would ever come. I waited patiently, enjoying my final few days feeling your presence in my womb, imagining over and over again what it was going to feel like to finally touch you, and then the day arrived. It was very early on a bright and sunny Tuesday, when I first saw you. You were glowing, and this whole earth froze for a moment while I gingerly inspected my new "world". You were all I ever wanted, all I ever imagined, dreamed of, prayed for, and more. And you still are. And I still am...longing for you, and waiting patiently for the promise that has been made to me. I hope and pray that the day I see you again feels just like the first day I ever met you.

So now we approach your 4th birthday and I can't help but envision you as a cheery, playful preschooler. I am so sorry that you don't have that chance. No matter how much I yell at myself and tell you I am sorry, it doesn't change the outcome. All I can think to somehow muster the strength to carry on is that you're in a good place and that I will see you again. I'm holding on to that because that's really the only way I can hold on.

I love you and miss you every day.

As always.

Mommy

It's Another New Year

Dear Briana,

We welcomed a new year today; it's officially the start of the year 2011. That number is just crazy to me - 2011 - two thousand and eleven. That's a lot of years and there were many before. It makes me realize how much our individual day-to-day existence and experiences are nothing but a vapor - a quick flash, or a blink of the eye, in the lens of eternity. This existence and experience is so profound and critical to us in this mere moment, but in the scope of time, it means relatively nothing. Our vitality here on earth is just a precursor to eternity, where time is of no significance. We are in perpetual worry of making time, saving time, being on time, etc, but really what is time...how much do we really need, and how much do we really have? We know very little about time, because this time that we have and keep record of is just like us, nothing but dust.

What I really want to say out of all of this gibberish and ranting is that I spend all of this time sulking and fearing and regretting and every other 'ing' and of what purpose is it? When I will see you again and none of this will matter, this earth, or time, nor worry....And whatever time really is and for the rest of it I will spend with you. My heart rests and keeps peace in this...what I believe to be truth.

I miss you just as much as ever in this new year. It may be 2011 but I still hold precious your life as I did in 2007. You are forever and eternally my daughter. I love you so so much.

As always,

Mommy

Merry Christmas, Briana

Dear Briana,

Tomorrow is Christmas. We are getting excited. I finished wrapping gifts last night and will be baking cookies from scratch tonight, then going to church for Christmas service. I am thrilled about seeing Avalyn wake up in the morning grumpy as always, but then becoming excited when seeing her gifts under the tree. She absolutely loves unwrapping presents now that she is capable of doing it mostly on her own. Brian and I will probably end up letting her unwrap our own as well. So tomorrow will be fun, not only because of the presents, but mostly because of the family. It's nice when family can get together and enjoy each other's company. Avalyn will have fun playing with her cousins for sure.

I will always wish that we were able to have Christmas (many) together. Your daddy and I will be thinking of you and missing you tomorrow, and tomorrow's tomorrow, and the next and so on. I only hope that many others will be thinking of you as well, as I am sure they will. You have enriched many lives, even with only spending a few months here with us. I can surely say you have thoroughly enriched my life and my heart. I get comfort in knowing you will be spending Christmas with the Almighty. Without him, there would be no Christmas. We celebrate tomorrow because of Jesus, his birth, and his life. I will be thinking of you and him and all who I love.

Merry Christmas

As always,

Mommy

Wintertime Blues

Dear Briana

Your sister is in nap time slumber and here I am thinking about you. I am so happy to have a moment to remember you and look at your pictures. These moments don't come often as your sister keeps me on my toes and of constant vigilance. She is a little chatterbox nowadays as her vocabulary and personality are both growing enormously. She really doesn't care to play by herself so she is always pulling at my shirt and hands telling me to come play in her room with her toys. We spend lots of time in there reading books, building blocks, singing and playing games. Sometimes I wish I had more time for myself, but in reality, little time is what's best for me. I need to stay busy to keep myself right. Still, I love these sweet, short moments afforded to me, as I can think and reminisce of our sweet, short moments we had together one Spring some time ago - the Spring I held you in my arms just as tightly as I now hold you in my heart. In my leisure time, my mind often scans through our moments together without even a trigger or a thought. I often see you in nature or in places in my day-to-day life. My body craves to remember you because I need you. And then I think of you for a while, I see your bright blue eyes staring at me, I see you reaching out to me, I can even still feel your skin to my lips....for a moment...then your sister calls for me, and I have to go....and that's what is best....but I will see you again.

With much love and sadness,

As always,

Your mommy

I Am Always Thankful

Dear Briana

Today is Thanksgiving Day and as I am baking in the kitchen, you are on my mind. We like to spend today with those we are most thankful for, sharing memories and laughs over a delicious turkey dinner, playing games and watching the Thanksgiving Day parade or a classic Christmas comedy. With this in mind, my day wouldn't be complete if I didn't spend some time remembering one of the things I am most thankful for - you. You may not be here to join us at the table or play amongst your cousins, but you are always present in my heart and in my mind. I am most thankful for the memories you gave me and the time we shared - those can never be forgotten or replaced. I still thank God for you even now that you are gone. Every parent tells of how much their children taught them, about how much they have grown as a person because of their children, and I think I can say that even more so because of you. You have taught me so much; perhaps more than I wanted. But because of you, I am a strong person - stronger than ever before.

You have taught me how to be a mother. You have taught me humility, compassion, discipline, the virtue of being a parent, you have taught me how to truly love, and how to truly let go. You have taught me how to forgive; you have taught me that I am courageous, that I am good, that it's okay to hate myself as long as I can forgive myself, you have taught me that tears can heal, that time does have some magic. You have taught me the full spectrum of joy and the full spectrum of grief. You have taught me that there is indeed always sunshine after the storm; that life does go on - if you like it or not. You have taught me that it's okay that the world doesn't stop when mine does. You have taught me that people do mean good just may have a hard time knowing how to express it. You have taught me that I am LOVED! You have taught me that perhaps God doesn't have a handle on it all; that I am the one in charge of my life. You have taught me that things happen; good and bad, and sometimes there's just no way around it; yet sometimes there is, but you may never know. You have taught me that things aren't always fair, aren't always right, but I must move forward. You have taught me to live for today and not for yesterday or tomorrow. You have taught me that today is what matters; to make the best of it. You have taught me how to fight; how to fight for my life or for what's left of it. I fought hard, and because of you, I won. I am forever thankful, today and always.

I love you, as always

Mommy

Ava saves me when I'm feeling blue

Tonight hasn't been a good night. Remembering my far too few days spent with Briana while looking at all of her pictures has left me feeling numb and overwhelmingly sad. How much I miss her cannot and will not be expressed through words. To Brian and I, Briana is the most beautiful thing that has ever touched this earth and our tears and sadness can never measure the impact she has had on our lives. We miss her deeply and long for her with every breath.

Brian and I tip-toed into sleeping Ava's room after sharing many tears; knowing that every bout with sadness must end with a shred of hope - some happiness. Watching Avalyn as she slept gave us strength and confirmed our purpose. She slept quietly and soundly until I whispered to her, "Ava, I love you".

She twisted and turned, and with a sigh, responded,

"I love you, mommy."

The sweetest thing I have ever heard. How can I ever thank her?

Baths & Bubbles

You absolutely loved bath time. During the day you would take a bath by yourself in your little tub, and at night you and I would take one together. I remember when I was pregnant with you I would lay in the tub at night and excitedly watch my belly in hopes that you would start to move. You often did so I would just lay there and watch, trying to distinguish your elbows from your knees and your hands from your toes. Sometimes if you were quiet and I wanted you to wake up, I would tap the tub and you would begin to move. One time I unplugged the drain and it made a loud tatter against the bottom of the tub and you jumped so hard...I figured I must of scared you. Even after your birth, you seemed so energetic in the tub. You'd kick and slap your hands against the surface of the water. You'd smile and stick out your tongue. How much we loved bath time! I love the picture of you with bubbles all over your head. To me the picture shows you exactly as I want to remember you - energetic, happy, playful, beautiful, bright....

I miss you...I could never say it enough.

As always, with love

Mommy

Forever in Our Hearts

Briana

Mommy's sitting here, crying over losing you and reading other parent's terrible stories of loss. I ran into this poem. I will never forget you. These tears seem to renew my love for you. It feels good. I love you so so much.

As always, Mommy

FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS

We thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new.
We thought about you yesterday, and days before that too. We think of you in silence; we often speak your name,
but all we have are memories and your pictures in a frame. A million times we've longed for you...a million times we cried.
If love could only have saved you, you never would have died. It broke our hearts to lose you, but you didn't go alone. Part of us went with you the day God called you Home. In life we loved you dearly; in death we love you still. In our hearts you hold a place no one can ever fill. Your memory is our keepsake, with which we'll never part. God has you in His home; we have you in our hearts.

~Author Unknown

3 Years

It's been three years since you've been gone and I am so sorry things are this way. I intended on being the best mother I could be for you; yet I had fallen way short. There is no feeling more tragic than this...I failed you! You were my tiny, precious gift to take care of, and somewhere I went wrong, terribly wrong. I wish I did better; I wish I could have took your place. All of these random thoughts and hopes, but it can never be made better. I'm so so sorry,

What I Wish

I wish you were here

I wish you had time to build memories, a life and your own family

I wish you had the chance to leave a greater impression on this place

I wish it was easier to preserve your memory

I wish it was easier to talk about you

I wish it didn't hurt so bad

I wish we had more time together

I wish I could go back

I wish I could have held you safe in my arms while you slept

I wish I had kissed you more

I wish you never had left

I wish I could have you back

I wish, I wish, I wish

3/23/2007

3/23/2007

Hi sweetheart. I am now 6 days past your estimated due date and feeling a little saddened that I haven’t met you yet. Daddy and I thought for sure we’d have you by now. If you decide not to come in the next few days, your doctor is going to make you come out. I am scheduled to go to the hospital to start labor on Monday night, the 26th of March. If this happens, I should be holding you in my arms by Tuesday. A part of me is excited because I know I will have my little girl within a few days, but another part of me is disappointed that it may not happen on its own. I wish I had some sort of sign of labor so I know you’re ready to meet the world, but I haven’t felt anything that would suggest you are. Only you know…I wish you would just let me know! I have our bags packed and ready to go and your car seat is snugly fastened in my car. All I need is a sign from you to tell me to get going.

I feel you moving all the time and I can see your little body jostling around in my belly. It looks like your little butt is always sticking out as far as possible. I push on you some times and you move into another position…I guess you don’t want to be pushed! Daddy and I were watching television the other night and you were moving like crazy. Daddy was so amazed at you and couldn’t help but smile. It is so sweet to see him so intrigued by our little girl. He likes to put his hand on my belly and rub you. He makes you move every time. Seems like you don’t want to be touched! Well, Briana, I will try to write again soon, but hopefully you will decide to come before I have the chance. I love you hunny and I will meet you any day

now!