It's a New Year

Dear Briana,

We just welcomed a new year, a new decade...it's 2010. We had a very quiet, relaxing beginning to the new year. We ate dinner at Grandma's and enjoyed quiet time at home, only hearing a few fireworks going off in the night.

I guess this is the time people make goals for the new year...new year's resolutions. I've never really been one to set my mind to a particular goal to celebrate a new year, but this year I've decided to make one. I want to be a better mom. I want to be the best I can be at motherhood. Sounds so simple, so easy, but the task of motherhood is so vastly challenging...so not simple and not easy.

I resolve to spend more time gazing lovingly at Avalyn, forgetting the storm of thoughts and worries blowing through my brain. Those things don't matter. Right here, this moment, right now...Avalyn...she matters. I resolve to spend less time cleaning and fretting over dirty dishes, and more of that time involved in play time with your sister. She loves play time so much better when I am involved. I resolve to give her more hugs and gentle kisses; to tickle her more and to take more time exploring the outdoors with her. After all, she so thoroughly loves being outside...just like you. I resolve to be a better informed, more educated mother; to make decisions on her well-being based on my instincts and research rather that what's communally "acceptable". I resolve to spend more time thinking of you; opening the floodgates of memory, and whatever comes with it....tears, laughter, anger, joys...

I miss you so much, and love you so much more, Briana. It's 2010, a new year, one year closer to you.

As always,
Mommy

Always Thankful

Dear Briana,

We just celebrated Thanksgiving this past week. Avalyn enjoyed picking flowers and watching her cousins at Tia Linda's house. Daddy and I stuffed our bellies full with some good food. I made an apple pie, which turned out to be really yummy. We had fun.

I wish we had the chance to spend this holiday with you. I am so very thankful for you every day. I am thankful for the short time we spent together here on earth. I am thankful for the memories of our time together; the kisses, the giggles, the times I cradled you in my arms. I can't express enough....how thankful I am...how much I enjoyed loving you, your sweet little voice, gazing at your bright eyes. I can never find the words, my mind can never ponder deep enough, my voice can never convey the sincere love and joy...you brought to me. Thank you.

As always,
Mommy

Halloween

Dear Briana,

We don't normally do anything for Halloween, but this year we decided to take your sister to enjoy some church festivities. Grandma pitched in to buy her a cute little princess costume, which I can't wait to see her in, so the plan is to dress her up and take her out for a short night of hay rides and games, which she'll most thoroughly enjoy watching other children participating in. She is walking (almost running) now, so she'll at least wear herself out by running around the place. The place we're intending to bring her won't be overcrowded so it'll be perfect for her little legs.

We took her to a pumpkin festival last weekend, where she enjoyed a hay ride and running around to pick out her own perfect little pumpkin. It now sits in our living room on her playmat, where it gets tossed to and fro.

Your sister is getting big and playful. She now dances to music, screams on the top of her lungs when excited, and continuously runs backs and forth across the living room retrieving books for me to read. We read books all day long; she absolutely loves books and words.

Sometimes I can't help but think of you when looking at Avalyn. I wonder how you would have looked at her age and what different activities you would have enjoyed. When I see her so happy and smiley, her own most incredibly unique personality exposed, I so wish I could see you like that. That's when it hurts the most.

Missing you, as always...
Mommy

Things are getting busy

Dear Briana,

Your sister turned one last week and she's taking her first steps! I can't believe I'm going to be chasing her around the house in the next few weeks, once she achieves some more balance on those feet. She is growing cuter by the second and is a lot of fun. Mimi bought her a toy car for her birthday and we took a ride this morning. We went up and down the driveway with Chase in tow. She enjoyed it a bunch.

Her birthday party was a lot of fun. She watched her cousins play and break open the pinata. She ate her first cake (yummy!), which mommy made from scratch. She went for a nice boat ride. She got to see everyone she adores. What a blast!

Daddy is keeping very busy with work, at home and abroad. And now I've decided to do a little bit of school, for the first time in SO long. I am excited but a bit nervous about having enough time for study. I am so busy without school! But it's about time I begin a career for myself, so it starts now.

I can't write all of this without telling you how much I miss you. My heart feels so sad when I think about it. We had such a short time together and the more I watch your sister grow, the more I realize I missed out with you. I wonder how you would be at your sisters age. I am sure you'd be running, possibly climbing trees by now; you were just so advanced for your age and so energetic and full of life. And then I wonder how you'd be at 2.5 years. I live a life of wonder. I can't help it. One day I won't have to wonder anymore.

Until then,
As Always

Love, Mommy

Sister

Dear Briana,

Your sister is turning one in the coming weeks. It's so strange how quickly time has elapsed. Just yesterday it seems I was highly anticipating her birth, and here we are today planning her first birthday party.

Avalyn is getting her first teeth, learning to walk and sounding out her first words. This all in the last few weeks. Every morning she greets daddy and I with a wave and a loud 'Hi'. She is so sweet.

We don't yet know what we're doing for her first birthday, but whatever we do, I am sure she will be extremely thrilled, as long as her cousins are there.

Oh, and how much I wish you were here. I say it all the time because you are always on my mind. Without your sister, I am sure I wouldn't have made it this far.

When Avalyn is showing off in front of her cousins and digging into her first birthday cake, I will be thinking of you. As always.

Mommy

Memories of You

Dear Briana,

Daddy, Avalyn and I were taking a stroll around the block and I as we passed by a spot down the street, my mind couldn't help but think of you. At that same spot, just over two years ago, as daddy and I were pushing you in your little pink stroller, you looked at me for the very first time. Your eyes deliberately found mine, and we just locked eyes for a few short seconds and I remember thinking, as my heart melted, 'ohhhh, my sweet baby'. You were looking for me and found me. It was such a sweet moment.

After you went away, I decided to write down some of my most vivid memories of you so I will never forget them. I wrote them in my journal dated 4/4/08. Here are a few moments in time that we shared that are now such wonderful memories to me.

*Pushing you in your stroller, walking into the mall - talking to you in my 'mommy voice', telling you how much I love you and you just laid there, smiling. Your smile echoed throughout my soul.

*Pushing you in a cart at Target. You were in your car seat and you started whining. I put both of my hands out to you and you grabbed onto my index fingers and pulled yourself up into the sitting position (with a little bit of help!). You were so proud of yourself, you just looked around, hanging onto my fingers. I'd gently let go, putting you back into laying position and you'd start whining again.

*At Target, again (it was our favorite store), you were not enjoying the shopping trip too much, so I picked you up, holding you in one arm and pushing the cart with the other. Everyone was looking at you, smiling, and I remember at that moment feeling so entirely proud to be you mommy. I was always proud, but at that moment, it really hit me.

*Bath time every morning. I'd lay you down undressed on the bathmat next to the tub and you'd be kicking your legs vivaciously. I'd turn on the water and hurry to look at your expression. You'd freeze, look at me like "mommy, is this real? is it bathtime?". Then you'd start kicking the air again with your little legs. Mommy loved bath time with you.

*Watching you sit in your bumbo chair, so happy and amazed at yourself and at life. If we were outside, you'd look around with such a serious face, simply taking in all the beauty that surrounded you. At the same time, I'd be absorbing the beauty that surrounded me, too - which was you.

*Walking up to you while you were in your swing. You'd fixate your eyes on me, start smiling and kick your little feet. It would make me laugh every time. If I'd walk past you to do something and tease you (not purposely), I'd feel so bad.

*You'd get a kick out of it when I'd lay you down on the bed, grab you by your feet, and pull your sharply, then stop suddenly. If I remember correctly, this was one of the first times I heard you laugh. I'd also let you grab onto my fingers and pull yourself up into sitting position, then let you go. You'd crash into the bed and laugh.

*Buying your first toys. At the store, I'd show you different toys and whichever ones captured your interest more, I'd buy. One toy stands out in my memory the most. It was a blue octopus and each tentacle had a button and each time we'd push it, it would say something different. It said colors in spanish and then described something that is that color in a rhyme. When we played with it for the first time, you were sitting in my lap and you just stared at the silly ole' octopus for quite some time. Then I would push a button and your eyes would light up in wonder. We played with that octopus for a while and I enjoyed every second of it.

*One time, I bought wrist bands with rattles in them for you. I'dput them on your wrist but I don't think you ever realized they were there. Or maybe you just chose not to acknowledge them. Too boring? That was funny.

*When your dad was holding you on his belly while he was laying down playing the harmonica. Every time he blew into the instrument, he'd push his belly in and out rapidly. You'd just bounce along with the music. Grandma was there and we all got a good laugh out of that one.

*When you fell out of your bouncer. We had you in a bouncer that hangs from the doorway and somehow it detached from the door casing and down you tumbled to the floor. I don't think you cried (it was a very short fall), but I felt horrible. You just kind of looked at us like 'come on guys!'.

*When we were taking a bath and you reached out for my shaving cream bottle and it tipped over and hit your cheek. I turned you around, expecting you to cry and you looked at me with a pouty face and I smiled at you and that was it - you were fine. I remember feeling awful for it though.

*At your great grammy's house in St. Augustine, laying on the bed with you. You were on your back and I laid on my side facing you. For a good 20 minutes you just laid there all relaxed, looking around the room. Then you started reaching your hand out towards my face, on my mouth. And each time, I would either kiss your hand or sucked one of your fingers. That was the first and last time I recall you reaching out to me.

*Also at your great grammy's, you went to the beach for the first and final time. I had a low sitting beach chair on the shoreline and the water would rush under me, touching my skin. With shade from an umbrella, we sat there together during one of your feeding times. You were so beautiful and we had a beautiful day on the beach.

*Sometimes during feedings, I'd have you nestled on my legs and as I'd slip the bottle out of your mouth, you'd look at me and smile the sweetest smile ever, like a half grin, with your eyes gleaming so bright. I'd melt every time.

*I cherish every memory of you. They all are locked away in my heart, never to be replaced or forgotten. The time I had with you was the most precious gift of my life.

Briana, I may not have you in my arms any longer, but I do have the memories we created together. Thank you, thank you for these memories.

Love,
Mommy