Would You

I watch your sister and wonder
Would you?
Tears well up in my tired eyes
I try to stay strong, your sis looks on
Says, 'Mommy, up!'
Would you?
I wrap my aching arms around her
She points up, to my sadness
Says, 'Mommy, eyes'
Would you?
I can't fail, I break a smile
She looks on intently
And gladly lights up my day with her smile
Would you?


I was laying your sister down for her nap, pressing my face against her warm hair. I watched her as she fought to keep her eyes open, fighting the enemy called sleep. She would hate to miss anything. Finally, she gave up and dozed off. And I wondered would you had been the same? Such a feisty, energetic little thing...she is, your sister. My vocabulary when I think of you includes a lot of would of's, should of's and could of's. There's nothing worse than having to remember with so much remorse. Makes it hurt to remember.

Still I think about you all of the time. I wish somehow you knew. I love you somuch.

As always, Mommy

My Love

Dear Briana,

As Valentine's Day approaches, I can't help but think of you. I was at the store today picking out a card for your daddy and I saw some cards for Daughter's. Immediately I thought Avalyn is much too young for a card, but what should I do for her? I then thought of making some homemade healthy cookies for her, which had been a plan for a while, but I figured this would be a good time. I usually feed her some organic honey graham crackers, which she loves (they're not very good, she just doesn't know it yet), but I wanted to make something myself. I think I am going to make some oatmeal cookies. She really likes oatmeal. Maybe I'll add in some agave nectar or honey for sweetness, or even some apples or something. I know she'll love them however they turn out. Now with Avalyn tucked away asleep, I am thinking of you. How I wish I could send you a card to Heaven, or even some of Ava's cookies. I wish I could send something everyday, just to let you know I am constantly thinking of you. Instead I write these words to you, these sweet and short letters to remind myself I can never forget. Instead I often cry salty, painful tears and weep in shameful silence. Instead I watch Avalyn grow and wish it were you. There are no real letters to Heaven, no real balloons that drift there, no real way for oatmeal cookies to make it there. There is no real way for me to know that YOU KNOW I love you and am thinking of you. So I write, and cry, and write, and cry some more because it just makes me feel better I guess.

Forever still, I love you and early Happy Valentine's Day to my Valentine.

As always,
Mommy

It's a New Year

Dear Briana,

We just welcomed a new year, a new decade...it's 2010. We had a very quiet, relaxing beginning to the new year. We ate dinner at Grandma's and enjoyed quiet time at home, only hearing a few fireworks going off in the night.

I guess this is the time people make goals for the new year...new year's resolutions. I've never really been one to set my mind to a particular goal to celebrate a new year, but this year I've decided to make one. I want to be a better mom. I want to be the best I can be at motherhood. Sounds so simple, so easy, but the task of motherhood is so vastly challenging...so not simple and not easy.

I resolve to spend more time gazing lovingly at Avalyn, forgetting the storm of thoughts and worries blowing through my brain. Those things don't matter. Right here, this moment, right now...Avalyn...she matters. I resolve to spend less time cleaning and fretting over dirty dishes, and more of that time involved in play time with your sister. She loves play time so much better when I am involved. I resolve to give her more hugs and gentle kisses; to tickle her more and to take more time exploring the outdoors with her. After all, she so thoroughly loves being outside...just like you. I resolve to be a better informed, more educated mother; to make decisions on her well-being based on my instincts and research rather that what's communally "acceptable". I resolve to spend more time thinking of you; opening the floodgates of memory, and whatever comes with it....tears, laughter, anger, joys...

I miss you so much, and love you so much more, Briana. It's 2010, a new year, one year closer to you.

As always,
Mommy

Always Thankful

Dear Briana,

We just celebrated Thanksgiving this past week. Avalyn enjoyed picking flowers and watching her cousins at Tia Linda's house. Daddy and I stuffed our bellies full with some good food. I made an apple pie, which turned out to be really yummy. We had fun.

I wish we had the chance to spend this holiday with you. I am so very thankful for you every day. I am thankful for the short time we spent together here on earth. I am thankful for the memories of our time together; the kisses, the giggles, the times I cradled you in my arms. I can't express enough....how thankful I am...how much I enjoyed loving you, your sweet little voice, gazing at your bright eyes. I can never find the words, my mind can never ponder deep enough, my voice can never convey the sincere love and joy...you brought to me. Thank you.

As always,
Mommy

Halloween

Dear Briana,

We don't normally do anything for Halloween, but this year we decided to take your sister to enjoy some church festivities. Grandma pitched in to buy her a cute little princess costume, which I can't wait to see her in, so the plan is to dress her up and take her out for a short night of hay rides and games, which she'll most thoroughly enjoy watching other children participating in. She is walking (almost running) now, so she'll at least wear herself out by running around the place. The place we're intending to bring her won't be overcrowded so it'll be perfect for her little legs.

We took her to a pumpkin festival last weekend, where she enjoyed a hay ride and running around to pick out her own perfect little pumpkin. It now sits in our living room on her playmat, where it gets tossed to and fro.

Your sister is getting big and playful. She now dances to music, screams on the top of her lungs when excited, and continuously runs backs and forth across the living room retrieving books for me to read. We read books all day long; she absolutely loves books and words.

Sometimes I can't help but think of you when looking at Avalyn. I wonder how you would have looked at her age and what different activities you would have enjoyed. When I see her so happy and smiley, her own most incredibly unique personality exposed, I so wish I could see you like that. That's when it hurts the most.

Missing you, as always...
Mommy

Things are getting busy

Dear Briana,

Your sister turned one last week and she's taking her first steps! I can't believe I'm going to be chasing her around the house in the next few weeks, once she achieves some more balance on those feet. She is growing cuter by the second and is a lot of fun. Mimi bought her a toy car for her birthday and we took a ride this morning. We went up and down the driveway with Chase in tow. She enjoyed it a bunch.

Her birthday party was a lot of fun. She watched her cousins play and break open the pinata. She ate her first cake (yummy!), which mommy made from scratch. She went for a nice boat ride. She got to see everyone she adores. What a blast!

Daddy is keeping very busy with work, at home and abroad. And now I've decided to do a little bit of school, for the first time in SO long. I am excited but a bit nervous about having enough time for study. I am so busy without school! But it's about time I begin a career for myself, so it starts now.

I can't write all of this without telling you how much I miss you. My heart feels so sad when I think about it. We had such a short time together and the more I watch your sister grow, the more I realize I missed out with you. I wonder how you would be at your sisters age. I am sure you'd be running, possibly climbing trees by now; you were just so advanced for your age and so energetic and full of life. And then I wonder how you'd be at 2.5 years. I live a life of wonder. I can't help it. One day I won't have to wonder anymore.

Until then,
As Always

Love, Mommy