March 27, 2007

Dear Briana

Four long years ago, heavily pregnant and eager in anticipation, I so longed to hold you in my arms. We were several days past our due date and I wondered if the day would ever come. I waited patiently, enjoying my final few days feeling your presence in my womb, imagining over and over again what it was going to feel like to finally touch you, and then the day arrived. It was very early on a bright and sunny Tuesday, when I first saw you. You were glowing, and this whole earth froze for a moment while I gingerly inspected my new "world". You were all I ever wanted, all I ever imagined, dreamed of, prayed for, and more. And you still are. And I still am...longing for you, and waiting patiently for the promise that has been made to me. I hope and pray that the day I see you again feels just like the first day I ever met you.

So now we approach your 4th birthday and I can't help but envision you as a cheery, playful preschooler. I am so sorry that you don't have that chance. No matter how much I yell at myself and tell you I am sorry, it doesn't change the outcome. All I can think to somehow muster the strength to carry on is that you're in a good place and that I will see you again. I'm holding on to that because that's really the only way I can hold on.

I love you and miss you every day.

As always.

Mommy

It's Another New Year

Dear Briana,

We welcomed a new year today; it's officially the start of the year 2011. That number is just crazy to me - 2011 - two thousand and eleven. That's a lot of years and there were many before. It makes me realize how much our individual day-to-day existence and experiences are nothing but a vapor - a quick flash, or a blink of the eye, in the lens of eternity. This existence and experience is so profound and critical to us in this mere moment, but in the scope of time, it means relatively nothing. Our vitality here on earth is just a precursor to eternity, where time is of no significance. We are in perpetual worry of making time, saving time, being on time, etc, but really what is time...how much do we really need, and how much do we really have? We know very little about time, because this time that we have and keep record of is just like us, nothing but dust.

What I really want to say out of all of this gibberish and ranting is that I spend all of this time sulking and fearing and regretting and every other 'ing' and of what purpose is it? When I will see you again and none of this will matter, this earth, or time, nor worry....And whatever time really is and for the rest of it I will spend with you. My heart rests and keeps peace in this...what I believe to be truth.

I miss you just as much as ever in this new year. It may be 2011 but I still hold precious your life as I did in 2007. You are forever and eternally my daughter. I love you so so much.

As always,

Mommy

Merry Christmas, Briana

Dear Briana,

Tomorrow is Christmas. We are getting excited. I finished wrapping gifts last night and will be baking cookies from scratch tonight, then going to church for Christmas service. I am thrilled about seeing Avalyn wake up in the morning grumpy as always, but then becoming excited when seeing her gifts under the tree. She absolutely loves unwrapping presents now that she is capable of doing it mostly on her own. Brian and I will probably end up letting her unwrap our own as well. So tomorrow will be fun, not only because of the presents, but mostly because of the family. It's nice when family can get together and enjoy each other's company. Avalyn will have fun playing with her cousins for sure.

I will always wish that we were able to have Christmas (many) together. Your daddy and I will be thinking of you and missing you tomorrow, and tomorrow's tomorrow, and the next and so on. I only hope that many others will be thinking of you as well, as I am sure they will. You have enriched many lives, even with only spending a few months here with us. I can surely say you have thoroughly enriched my life and my heart. I get comfort in knowing you will be spending Christmas with the Almighty. Without him, there would be no Christmas. We celebrate tomorrow because of Jesus, his birth, and his life. I will be thinking of you and him and all who I love.

Merry Christmas

As always,

Mommy

Wintertime Blues

Dear Briana

Your sister is in nap time slumber and here I am thinking about you. I am so happy to have a moment to remember you and look at your pictures. These moments don't come often as your sister keeps me on my toes and of constant vigilance. She is a little chatterbox nowadays as her vocabulary and personality are both growing enormously. She really doesn't care to play by herself so she is always pulling at my shirt and hands telling me to come play in her room with her toys. We spend lots of time in there reading books, building blocks, singing and playing games. Sometimes I wish I had more time for myself, but in reality, little time is what's best for me. I need to stay busy to keep myself right. Still, I love these sweet, short moments afforded to me, as I can think and reminisce of our sweet, short moments we had together one Spring some time ago - the Spring I held you in my arms just as tightly as I now hold you in my heart. In my leisure time, my mind often scans through our moments together without even a trigger or a thought. I often see you in nature or in places in my day-to-day life. My body craves to remember you because I need you. And then I think of you for a while, I see your bright blue eyes staring at me, I see you reaching out to me, I can even still feel your skin to my lips....for a moment...then your sister calls for me, and I have to go....and that's what is best....but I will see you again.

With much love and sadness,

As always,

Your mommy

I Am Always Thankful

Dear Briana

Today is Thanksgiving Day and as I am baking in the kitchen, you are on my mind. We like to spend today with those we are most thankful for, sharing memories and laughs over a delicious turkey dinner, playing games and watching the Thanksgiving Day parade or a classic Christmas comedy. With this in mind, my day wouldn't be complete if I didn't spend some time remembering one of the things I am most thankful for - you. You may not be here to join us at the table or play amongst your cousins, but you are always present in my heart and in my mind. I am most thankful for the memories you gave me and the time we shared - those can never be forgotten or replaced. I still thank God for you even now that you are gone. Every parent tells of how much their children taught them, about how much they have grown as a person because of their children, and I think I can say that even more so because of you. You have taught me so much; perhaps more than I wanted. But because of you, I am a strong person - stronger than ever before.

You have taught me how to be a mother. You have taught me humility, compassion, discipline, the virtue of being a parent, you have taught me how to truly love, and how to truly let go. You have taught me how to forgive; you have taught me that I am courageous, that I am good, that it's okay to hate myself as long as I can forgive myself, you have taught me that tears can heal, that time does have some magic. You have taught me the full spectrum of joy and the full spectrum of grief. You have taught me that there is indeed always sunshine after the storm; that life does go on - if you like it or not. You have taught me that it's okay that the world doesn't stop when mine does. You have taught me that people do mean good just may have a hard time knowing how to express it. You have taught me that I am LOVED! You have taught me that perhaps God doesn't have a handle on it all; that I am the one in charge of my life. You have taught me that things happen; good and bad, and sometimes there's just no way around it; yet sometimes there is, but you may never know. You have taught me that things aren't always fair, aren't always right, but I must move forward. You have taught me to live for today and not for yesterday or tomorrow. You have taught me that today is what matters; to make the best of it. You have taught me how to fight; how to fight for my life or for what's left of it. I fought hard, and because of you, I won. I am forever thankful, today and always.

I love you, as always

Mommy

Ava saves me when I'm feeling blue

Tonight hasn't been a good night. Remembering my far too few days spent with Briana while looking at all of her pictures has left me feeling numb and overwhelmingly sad. How much I miss her cannot and will not be expressed through words. To Brian and I, Briana is the most beautiful thing that has ever touched this earth and our tears and sadness can never measure the impact she has had on our lives. We miss her deeply and long for her with every breath.

Brian and I tip-toed into sleeping Ava's room after sharing many tears; knowing that every bout with sadness must end with a shred of hope - some happiness. Watching Avalyn as she slept gave us strength and confirmed our purpose. She slept quietly and soundly until I whispered to her, "Ava, I love you".

She twisted and turned, and with a sigh, responded,

"I love you, mommy."

The sweetest thing I have ever heard. How can I ever thank her?