You're Home

Dear Briana,

I was just thinking today that tomorrow will be 26 months since your birth. I just have a hard time wrapping my mind around the thought that it's been that long since I had you....and that it's been almost that long since I've last held you. It reminds me of how dearly I miss you and how much I wish you were here.

Whenever I see children that seem about 2 years old, I think of you....I see you. Sometimes I catch myself staring at them in wonder; trying to picture you as a 2 year-old. They are so big and talkative; it's so hard to picture you that way.

The other day I was just thinking about you and Heaven. I kept thinking about how hard it is to think you're in Heaven because Heaven seems so far away. It's hard because I've never seen Heaven; I only have an idea of how it is to be there. We all kind of picture Heaven differently, based on what we've heard or read about it. It just seems so distant and blurry. I know it is magnificent, but it still hurts to know that you are there and not here. So I told myself, you're in Heaven, you're HOME. For some reason it just makes me feel a bit better. Our home is Heaven, yes I know, but I've only experience home on this earth, not in Heaven. And I know home to be a very special place here, a place where I love to be. I can only imagine how much more special it is to be in our eternal home. So, from now on, when I think of Heaven, I will think of that wonderful place we call home...and know that you are there, being taken care of by your eternal Father; and waiting for me.

I love you.

Mother's Day

Dear Briana,

Today is Mother's Day. I can't help but think back two years ago to the Mother's Day I shared with you. I don't remember exactly what we did that day, but I am very sure that it was special, just because it was spent with you. How much I wish I could remember that day, but for some reason it just is a blur to me.

Today is another Mother's Day...you're not here to share it with, but I can feel you in my heart...your presence I can always find there. This year I am a mother of two, unbelievable. Your sister scribble signed a card that daddy made for me; he had it placed next to the breakfast he made for me when I woke up this morning. It was a very sweet little card and I had no idea your daddy knew how to make something like that. He actually went on the computer and searched for a Mother's Day card! He's learning something new every day...

Yesterday daddy and Avalyn took me to brunch in Sarasota. We took Avalyn down to the beach where she took a quick dip in the ocean and then we went shopping. It was a nice afternoon together. Today your Aunt Lisa and I will be making dinner for Grandma. Not just any dinner either, a special one for Mother's Day to your grandma.

I wish you were here.

I love you.

Tiny Hands

Dear Briana,

I dream of the day when I hold your tiny hands in mine...again. A day when you wrap your hand tightly around my finger...never to let go. A day when I can take your tiny hand and bring it to my lips...a tender kiss. I miss you in such a fierce way. You were too perfect for this cold place.

"Tiny Hands" by Kenneth Cope

another pair of tiny hands

to lay beneath the clay

slumbering little baby eyes

to wake another day

oh god of heav'n, come guard this bed

and let this angel sleep

'til earth is pure for tiny hands

and safe for tiny feet

a wondrous little baby smile

the hope of things to be

born to face the troubled world

for a moment and then set free

oh god of heav'n, take hate from man

'til lambs and lions feed

and make earth pure for tiny hands

and safe for tiny feet

tiny hands

angel hands

perfect hands

blameless hands

lifeless hands

resting in the night

waiting for the light

when life will follow

oh god of heav'n, send christ again

bringing his reign of peace

let earth turn pure for tiny hands

and safe for tiny feet

then give back my child to me

Briana's Birthday Tribute

http://www.onetruemedia.com/my_shared?z=1b52b8f14b5e1fabd0a016&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=text_url

Exhausted

My title explains it all: I am utterly exhausted!! It does take a village to raise a child! Doing it alone most of the time takes every drop of energy and patience I've got. Avalyn hasn't quite gotten the hang of entertaining herself, so that leaves me to entertain her. By about 2pm every day, my bag of tricks is running empty trying to keep Avalyn from crying and I am often left with no choice but to cry with her.

I am so sick of everyone saying that it gets easier as they get older; that the first few months are the hardest, then things seem to get better. Not always so! The first few months were a walk in the park compared to these last few months. She slept a lot, allowing me time to pump, get something to eat, get things situated around the house. I could set her down in one spot and she'd look around, keeping herself entertained, for at least a few minutes at a time. Now she barely sleeps and I am her favorite toy. Getting her to take a nap is like trying to bathe a cat...she fights and scratches and snarls. Then she is a grouch all day because she is so tired, she's constantly rubbing her eyes and tugging at her ears in exhaustion, but she just won't give herself a break. And, in turn, no break for me! When Brian comes home from work, Avalyn is waiting at the door for him! Finally, a moment to myself! Evenings are sometimes even more difficult, and I am getting the feeling that Brian is beginning to love his job a lot more now. Nights are increasingly interrupted; she used to sleep throught the night a lot, now she wakes 2-3 times! Her night time crying is so much more fierce than her daytime crying. I used to think alarm clocks were annoying, at least you set them for the time you want them to go off and they come with snooze buttons! I keep saying 'she's probably teething', but after 4 months and no tooth, that excuse goes out the window. Brian and I keep saying, believing what everyone is telling us, that things will get easier. But yesterday I got so sick of believing that then being disappointed when it doesn't, so I told Brian let's not expect things to get easier. Let's expect them to stay the same or even get worse, so that if and when things do get easier, we'll be surprised and not be like 'oh, about time!'. And, for now, we can stop setting ourselves up for disappointment by believing next month she'll be a piece of cake to take care, because she most certainly will not. Also, we will learn to enjoy her more now and love her more now for the way she is, and not be angry because she's not the way we want her to be or expect her to be. So, please, spare us the disappointment, please stop telling us things will get easier. And we will be more surprised when it does, because I know one day it will.