As Always

Dear Briana,

I am sitting here missing you, as I always do. Your sister is taking a long, big girl nap and amidst the dishes and laundry, my mind keeps returning to you. This morning your sister and I were outside feeding the cats, and I set her down on the sidewalk, as I always do, so she can pluck the grass from its roots and make piles of it on the concrete. I watched her and couldn't help but smile at the mess she was making of the sidewalk and of herself, grass and dirt all over her lap and lodged deep within her fingernails. Then I thought about you. I could see you in that same exact spot in your purple bumbo seat; your white lacey bonnet wrapped around your neck, looking out into the distance, simply pondering; your blue eyes fixated on something in the distance. I now wonder what it was that had you so captivated for that momemt.



So many things remind me of you. Little things I do with your sister now bring me back to those little things I did with you two years ago. When I think back, I realize that there was something so special about you, so different. Yes, every mother feels their child is special and unique, but you had something different. I can't put my finger on what it was, but it was.

Avalyn is now 10 months old today. Amazing. She is changing so much and is growing into such a beautiful, charming little girl. How much I wish you two could grow up together. I hear her waking so I must go. I love you, as always.

Mommy

Missing You

Dear Briana,

It's been two full years since you left to go Home. That number boggles my mind; I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that we've been missing you for that long. I miss you the same as I did two years ago. I still long for you and call out your name in hopes that you hear me. I still catch myself, even right now, staring at your pictures trying to remember every detail I can from that moment in time.



You in your yellow swim suit with sweet little purple and pink flowers on the front, sitting on my lap next to the pool at your great Grammy's in St Augustine. You were watching daddy swim, so completely enthralled by the water. I took a picture of us together, you staring at your daddy in the pool. Even now, when I look at this picture, I can see how captivated you were at that moment in time. I can see your eyes wide and alert, sparkling just like the very water you're staring at. I can feel your arms and legs jumping with excitement. You just loved the water. I took you over to daddy and he held you out so you could kick your legs and glide across the top of the water. I have that moment on tape as well. But even looking at the picture brings me back to that very time; it all comes right back to me.



I love you Briana and time will never deplete that deep love I have for you. Nothing can ever take away the year we had together. I felt our connection the instant I knew you were growing inside of me. That bond will never break, never fail. Sometimes I hate time, knowing every hour, every day that passes, that it's been that much longer since I last held you and felt your warmth in my arms. But I also know that time is my friend and that I am growing closer and closer to you.

I love you Briana and I will see you again....soon.

Love, Mommy

In My Mind

Dear Briana,

I have been missing you for almost a full two years now and your loss still feels so new and raw. I look at your sister, who is getting so big and discovering so many new things, and can't help but try to imagine you at her age. She is just so full of fun and personality and I know that you would had been so much the same, yet so vastly different, so I can't help but ponder...and wonder. I try to picture you and your features at the mature age of 9 months, now that I see Avalyn changing daily right before my very eyes. Her face is becoming so "unbaby" like, so mature, so kid-like. She is transforming from a small, helpless infant to a rambunctious, go-go toddler. How I wish I could have witnessed your transformation. But I can still imagine. I look at your pictures and in my mind create another image of you, that's how I can keep you alive and watch you grow. I often wonder how you look in Heaven. From what I know, you look exactly like, well...you, and how you were before. So that when I go to Heaven, I know who to look for. I cry thinking of that moment, when you are mine once more. I am sure when I see you, you will be shining like the sun, and it will be impossible to miss you. Until then, I will imagine you, you will grow up in my mind.

I love you Briana.

Mommy

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You're Home

Dear Briana,

I was just thinking today that tomorrow will be 26 months since your birth. I just have a hard time wrapping my mind around the thought that it's been that long since I had you....and that it's been almost that long since I've last held you. It reminds me of how dearly I miss you and how much I wish you were here.

Whenever I see children that seem about 2 years old, I think of you....I see you. Sometimes I catch myself staring at them in wonder; trying to picture you as a 2 year-old. They are so big and talkative; it's so hard to picture you that way.

The other day I was just thinking about you and Heaven. I kept thinking about how hard it is to think you're in Heaven because Heaven seems so far away. It's hard because I've never seen Heaven; I only have an idea of how it is to be there. We all kind of picture Heaven differently, based on what we've heard or read about it. It just seems so distant and blurry. I know it is magnificent, but it still hurts to know that you are there and not here. So I told myself, you're in Heaven, you're HOME. For some reason it just makes me feel a bit better. Our home is Heaven, yes I know, but I've only experience home on this earth, not in Heaven. And I know home to be a very special place here, a place where I love to be. I can only imagine how much more special it is to be in our eternal home. So, from now on, when I think of Heaven, I will think of that wonderful place we call home...and know that you are there, being taken care of by your eternal Father; and waiting for me.

I love you.