Don't Mourn For Me

Dear Sweet Briana,

Sometimes I just feel like wallowing in the grief and pain of losing you and just crying and screaming until I can no longer. For some reason it makes me feel better. I felt like doing that just now and was looking at your Totsites. I was greeted with a beautiful picture of you, sitting on the countertop with a giant watermelon. You were quite thrilled, evident by the enormous smile that stretched across your face. I can almost remember taking that picture, your daddy by my side. I was nervous about you sitting on the countertop, so with my hand by your side, I tentatively took a quick shot of my cutie pie and her watermelon. Avalyn loves watermelon. She would bathe in one if she could. Actually she almost has. I know you would have too. How much I regret that you never had the chance.

As I was allowing myself a moment to cry, I stumbled across a poem in your guestbook. This one really opened up the floodgates, but it was just so reassuring. Sometimes I feel so distant from you, and with every flip of the calendar, I feel more and more like I am losing you. This poem reminds me that although physically you are gone, as long as you stay alive in my heart, you'll always be near.

Don't Mourn For Me

Mother, please don't mourn for me; I'm still here, though you don't see.
I'm right by your side, each night and day
and within your heart I long to stay.

My body is gone but I'm always near. I'm everything you feel, see or hear.
My spirit is free, but I'll never depart
as long as you keep me alive in your heart.

I'll never wander out of your sight--I'm the brightest star
on a summer night. I'll never be beyond your reach--
I'm the warm moist sand when you're at the beach.

I'm the colorful leaves when fall comes around,
And the pure white snow that blankets the ground.
I'm the beautiful flowers of which you're so fond--
The clear cool water in a quiet pond.

I'm the first bright blossom you'll see in the spring;
the first warm raindrop that April will bring.
I'm the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine,
and you'll see that the face in the moon is mine.

When you start thinking there's no one to love you,
you can talk to me through the Lord above you.
I'll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees,
and you'll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze.

I'm the hot salty tears that flow when you weep
and the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep.
I'm the smile you see on baby's face. Just look for me, Mommy,
I'm everyplace!

As Always

Dear Briana,

I am sitting here missing you, as I always do. Your sister is taking a long, big girl nap and amidst the dishes and laundry, my mind keeps returning to you. This morning your sister and I were outside feeding the cats, and I set her down on the sidewalk, as I always do, so she can pluck the grass from its roots and make piles of it on the concrete. I watched her and couldn't help but smile at the mess she was making of the sidewalk and of herself, grass and dirt all over her lap and lodged deep within her fingernails. Then I thought about you. I could see you in that same exact spot in your purple bumbo seat; your white lacey bonnet wrapped around your neck, looking out into the distance, simply pondering; your blue eyes fixated on something in the distance. I now wonder what it was that had you so captivated for that momemt.



So many things remind me of you. Little things I do with your sister now bring me back to those little things I did with you two years ago. When I think back, I realize that there was something so special about you, so different. Yes, every mother feels their child is special and unique, but you had something different. I can't put my finger on what it was, but it was.

Avalyn is now 10 months old today. Amazing. She is changing so much and is growing into such a beautiful, charming little girl. How much I wish you two could grow up together. I hear her waking so I must go. I love you, as always.

Mommy

Missing You

Dear Briana,

It's been two full years since you left to go Home. That number boggles my mind; I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that we've been missing you for that long. I miss you the same as I did two years ago. I still long for you and call out your name in hopes that you hear me. I still catch myself, even right now, staring at your pictures trying to remember every detail I can from that moment in time.



You in your yellow swim suit with sweet little purple and pink flowers on the front, sitting on my lap next to the pool at your great Grammy's in St Augustine. You were watching daddy swim, so completely enthralled by the water. I took a picture of us together, you staring at your daddy in the pool. Even now, when I look at this picture, I can see how captivated you were at that moment in time. I can see your eyes wide and alert, sparkling just like the very water you're staring at. I can feel your arms and legs jumping with excitement. You just loved the water. I took you over to daddy and he held you out so you could kick your legs and glide across the top of the water. I have that moment on tape as well. But even looking at the picture brings me back to that very time; it all comes right back to me.



I love you Briana and time will never deplete that deep love I have for you. Nothing can ever take away the year we had together. I felt our connection the instant I knew you were growing inside of me. That bond will never break, never fail. Sometimes I hate time, knowing every hour, every day that passes, that it's been that much longer since I last held you and felt your warmth in my arms. But I also know that time is my friend and that I am growing closer and closer to you.

I love you Briana and I will see you again....soon.

Love, Mommy

In My Mind

Dear Briana,

I have been missing you for almost a full two years now and your loss still feels so new and raw. I look at your sister, who is getting so big and discovering so many new things, and can't help but try to imagine you at her age. She is just so full of fun and personality and I know that you would had been so much the same, yet so vastly different, so I can't help but ponder...and wonder. I try to picture you and your features at the mature age of 9 months, now that I see Avalyn changing daily right before my very eyes. Her face is becoming so "unbaby" like, so mature, so kid-like. She is transforming from a small, helpless infant to a rambunctious, go-go toddler. How I wish I could have witnessed your transformation. But I can still imagine. I look at your pictures and in my mind create another image of you, that's how I can keep you alive and watch you grow. I often wonder how you look in Heaven. From what I know, you look exactly like, well...you, and how you were before. So that when I go to Heaven, I know who to look for. I cry thinking of that moment, when you are mine once more. I am sure when I see you, you will be shining like the sun, and it will be impossible to miss you. Until then, I will imagine you, you will grow up in my mind.

I love you Briana.

Mommy

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