Dear Briana,
Daddy, Avalyn and I were taking a stroll around the block and I as we passed by a spot down the street, my mind couldn't help but think of you. At that same spot, just over two years ago, as daddy and I were pushing you in your little pink stroller, you looked at me for the very first time. Your eyes deliberately found mine, and we just locked eyes for a few short seconds and I remember thinking, as my heart melted, 'ohhhh, my sweet baby'. You were looking for me and found me. It was such a sweet moment.
After you went away, I decided to write down some of my most vivid memories of you so I will never forget them. I wrote them in my journal dated 4/4/08. Here are a few moments in time that we shared that are now such wonderful memories to me.
*Pushing you in your stroller, walking into the mall - talking to you in my 'mommy voice', telling you how much I love you and you just laid there, smiling. Your smile echoed throughout my soul.
*Pushing you in a cart at Target. You were in your car seat and you started whining. I put both of my hands out to you and you grabbed onto my index fingers and pulled yourself up into the sitting position (with a little bit of help!). You were so proud of yourself, you just looked around, hanging onto my fingers. I'd gently let go, putting you back into laying position and you'd start whining again.
*At Target, again (it was our favorite store), you were not enjoying the shopping trip too much, so I picked you up, holding you in one arm and pushing the cart with the other. Everyone was looking at you, smiling, and I remember at that moment feeling so entirely proud to be you mommy. I was always proud, but at that moment, it really hit me.
*Bath time every morning. I'd lay you down undressed on the bathmat next to the tub and you'd be kicking your legs vivaciously. I'd turn on the water and hurry to look at your expression. You'd freeze, look at me like "mommy, is this real? is it bathtime?". Then you'd start kicking the air again with your little legs. Mommy loved bath time with you.
*Watching you sit in your bumbo chair, so happy and amazed at yourself and at life. If we were outside, you'd look around with such a serious face, simply taking in all the beauty that surrounded you. At the same time, I'd be absorbing the beauty that surrounded me, too - which was you.
*Walking up to you while you were in your swing. You'd fixate your eyes on me, start smiling and kick your little feet. It would make me laugh every time. If I'd walk past you to do something and tease you (not purposely), I'd feel so bad.
*You'd get a kick out of it when I'd lay you down on the bed, grab you by your feet, and pull your sharply, then stop suddenly. If I remember correctly, this was one of the first times I heard you laugh. I'd also let you grab onto my fingers and pull yourself up into sitting position, then let you go. You'd crash into the bed and laugh.
*Buying your first toys. At the store, I'd show you different toys and whichever ones captured your interest more, I'd buy. One toy stands out in my memory the most. It was a blue octopus and each tentacle had a button and each time we'd push it, it would say something different. It said colors in spanish and then described something that is that color in a rhyme. When we played with it for the first time, you were sitting in my lap and you just stared at the silly ole' octopus for quite some time. Then I would push a button and your eyes would light up in wonder. We played with that octopus for a while and I enjoyed every second of it.
*One time, I bought wrist bands with rattles in them for you. I'dput them on your wrist but I don't think you ever realized they were there. Or maybe you just chose not to acknowledge them. Too boring? That was funny.
*When your dad was holding you on his belly while he was laying down playing the harmonica. Every time he blew into the instrument, he'd push his belly in and out rapidly. You'd just bounce along with the music. Grandma was there and we all got a good laugh out of that one.
*When you fell out of your bouncer. We had you in a bouncer that hangs from the doorway and somehow it detached from the door casing and down you tumbled to the floor. I don't think you cried (it was a very short fall), but I felt horrible. You just kind of looked at us like 'come on guys!'.
*When we were taking a bath and you reached out for my shaving cream bottle and it tipped over and hit your cheek. I turned you around, expecting you to cry and you looked at me with a pouty face and I smiled at you and that was it - you were fine. I remember feeling awful for it though.
*At your great grammy's house in St. Augustine, laying on the bed with you. You were on your back and I laid on my side facing you. For a good 20 minutes you just laid there all relaxed, looking around the room. Then you started reaching your hand out towards my face, on my mouth. And each time, I would either kiss your hand or sucked one of your fingers. That was the first and last time I recall you reaching out to me.
*Also at your great grammy's, you went to the beach for the first and final time. I had a low sitting beach chair on the shoreline and the water would rush under me, touching my skin. With shade from an umbrella, we sat there together during one of your feeding times. You were so beautiful and we had a beautiful day on the beach.
*Sometimes during feedings, I'd have you nestled on my legs and as I'd slip the bottle out of your mouth, you'd look at me and smile the sweetest smile ever, like a half grin, with your eyes gleaming so bright. I'd melt every time.
*I cherish every memory of you. They all are locked away in my heart, never to be replaced or forgotten. The time I had with you was the most precious gift of my life.
Briana, I may not have you in my arms any longer, but I do have the memories we created together. Thank you, thank you for these memories.
Love,
Mommy
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