Emptiness

'This space is with me all the time it seems. Sometimes the empty space is so real I can almost touch it. I can almost see it. It gets so big sometimes that I can't see anything else. '

Dear Briana,

I feel so empty right now. It it is so overwhelming...I can't see or feel anything else. Bad days like today make it worse. I wait patiently for it to go away. Your sister is calling from her nap, how I wish it were you.

Mommy

No One Knows

If tears could build a stairway,

and memories a lane,

I would walk right up to heaven

to bring you home again,

No farewells were spoken,

No time to say Good-bye,

You were gone before I knew it,

and only God knows why,

My heart still aches in sadness,

and my secret tears still flow,

What it meant to lose you

NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW!!

Feeling Blue Without You

Dear Briana,

Today is March 24, 2010..........

You would be three years old three days from now....and you are three in my mind. And next year you will be four and so on...How much I get sick of saying how you 'would be' or 'would have been'. You still are..to me. You are so alive to me still. The memories I have of you keep you that way.



Three years ago I was anticipating your arrival with great joy and nervousness. I had so many visions of how motherhood would be; of how you would look and feel. Nothing is every how you envision it. Being a mother was a lot tougher than I imagined. I feared not making it through your birth after dwelling on those few horror stories. I feared you not making it either. Then I heard your tiny cry....and all of those fears were swept away. I looked at your daddy, my eyes welling up with joyous tear, and his too, and said 'I want to see my baby!'. Seeing you for the first time will always be one of those memories that just always stick around; one I will never forget. The first two months were so hard and tiring. You didn't sleep well and being a mommy was amounting to a lot bigger of a task than I thought it would be. Then we began settling in, you started sleeping better, I was getting used to you and you were getting used to this world. Suddenly it came all crashing down around me....and you were gone.

March 27th is your birthday. What a special day it will always be for me...as I remember bringing you into this world with such gladness...and some sadness.

I miss you so much my baby girl

As always,
Mommy