Saturday, April 25, 2009
Tiny Hands
Dear Briana,
I dream of the day when I hold your tiny hands in mine...again. A day when you wrap your hand tightly around my finger...never to let go. A day when I can take your tiny hand and bring it to my lips...a tender kiss. I miss you in such a fierce way. You were too perfect for this cold place.
"Tiny Hands" by Kenneth Cope
another pair of tiny hands
to lay beneath the clay
slumbering little baby eyes
to wake another day
oh god of heav'n, come guard this bed
and let this angel sleep
'til earth is pure for tiny hands
and safe for tiny feet
a wondrous little baby smile
the hope of things to be
born to face the troubled world
for a moment and then set free
oh god of heav'n, take hate from man
'til lambs and lions feed
and make earth pure for tiny hands
and safe for tiny feet
tiny hands
angel hands
perfect hands
blameless hands
lifeless hands
resting in the night
waiting for the light
when life will follow
oh god of heav'n, send christ again
bringing his reign of peace
let earth turn pure for tiny hands
and safe for tiny feet
then give back my child to me
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Exhausted
My title explains it all: I am utterly exhausted!! It does take a village to raise a child! Doing it alone most of the time takes every drop of energy and patience I've got. Avalyn hasn't quite gotten the hang of entertaining herself, so that leaves me to entertain her. By about 2pm every day, my bag of tricks is running empty trying to keep Avalyn from crying and I am often left with no choice but to cry with her.
I am so sick of everyone saying that it gets easier as they get older; that the first few months are the hardest, then things seem to get better. Not always so! The first few months were a walk in the park compared to these last few months. She slept a lot, allowing me time to pump, get something to eat, get things situated around the house. I could set her down in one spot and she'd look around, keeping herself entertained, for at least a few minutes at a time. Now she barely sleeps and I am her favorite toy. Getting her to take a nap is like trying to bathe a cat...she fights and scratches and snarls. Then she is a grouch all day because she is so tired, she's constantly rubbing her eyes and tugging at her ears in exhaustion, but she just won't give herself a break. And, in turn, no break for me! When Brian comes home from work, Avalyn is waiting at the door for him! Finally, a moment to myself! Evenings are sometimes even more difficult, and I am getting the feeling that Brian is beginning to love his job a lot more now. Nights are increasingly interrupted; she used to sleep throught the night a lot, now she wakes 2-3 times! Her night time crying is so much more fierce than her daytime crying. I used to think alarm clocks were annoying, at least you set them for the time you want them to go off and they come with snooze buttons! I keep saying 'she's probably teething', but after 4 months and no tooth, that excuse goes out the window. Brian and I keep saying, believing what everyone is telling us, that things will get easier. But yesterday I got so sick of believing that then being disappointed when it doesn't, so I told Brian let's not expect things to get easier. Let's expect them to stay the same or even get worse, so that if and when things do get easier, we'll be surprised and not be like 'oh, about time!'. And, for now, we can stop setting ourselves up for disappointment by believing next month she'll be a piece of cake to take care, because she most certainly will not. Also, we will learn to enjoy her more now and love her more now for the way she is, and not be angry because she's not the way we want her to be or expect her to be. So, please, spare us the disappointment, please stop telling us things will get easier. And we will be more surprised when it does, because I know one day it will.
I am so sick of everyone saying that it gets easier as they get older; that the first few months are the hardest, then things seem to get better. Not always so! The first few months were a walk in the park compared to these last few months. She slept a lot, allowing me time to pump, get something to eat, get things situated around the house. I could set her down in one spot and she'd look around, keeping herself entertained, for at least a few minutes at a time. Now she barely sleeps and I am her favorite toy. Getting her to take a nap is like trying to bathe a cat...she fights and scratches and snarls. Then she is a grouch all day because she is so tired, she's constantly rubbing her eyes and tugging at her ears in exhaustion, but she just won't give herself a break. And, in turn, no break for me! When Brian comes home from work, Avalyn is waiting at the door for him! Finally, a moment to myself! Evenings are sometimes even more difficult, and I am getting the feeling that Brian is beginning to love his job a lot more now. Nights are increasingly interrupted; she used to sleep throught the night a lot, now she wakes 2-3 times! Her night time crying is so much more fierce than her daytime crying. I used to think alarm clocks were annoying, at least you set them for the time you want them to go off and they come with snooze buttons! I keep saying 'she's probably teething', but after 4 months and no tooth, that excuse goes out the window. Brian and I keep saying, believing what everyone is telling us, that things will get easier. But yesterday I got so sick of believing that then being disappointed when it doesn't, so I told Brian let's not expect things to get easier. Let's expect them to stay the same or even get worse, so that if and when things do get easier, we'll be surprised and not be like 'oh, about time!'. And, for now, we can stop setting ourselves up for disappointment by believing next month she'll be a piece of cake to take care, because she most certainly will not. Also, we will learn to enjoy her more now and love her more now for the way she is, and not be angry because she's not the way we want her to be or expect her to be. So, please, spare us the disappointment, please stop telling us things will get easier. And we will be more surprised when it does, because I know one day it will.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Easter
Sunday is Easter, Avalyn's first. Holiday's are so much more celebrated having a baby around. She is 6 months old and beginning to sit up on her own, unbelievable! Time is just a ticking and she's learning something new every day. How sweet it is to watch her learn and grow. We will be spending time with family this Sunday and I am sure she will enjoy it very much.
Briana celebrated Easter in 2007, she was only a week or so old. She was so tiny and new; I dressed her in a cute colorful onesie and we went to Grandma's for dinner. She wasn't able to do much but we did get a picture with a stuffed Easter bunny. I also got a picture of her sleeping in her daddy's arms while he watched Justyne and Elijah search for eggs. I love the picture even though you can't see Briana. She was nestled so comfy in daddy's arms.
I wanted to add the pictures to this post, but I can't find them! I have looked and looked, and nothing! Hopefully they aren't lost for good. I need to do some more searching.
Briana celebrated Easter in 2007, she was only a week or so old. She was so tiny and new; I dressed her in a cute colorful onesie and we went to Grandma's for dinner. She wasn't able to do much but we did get a picture with a stuffed Easter bunny. I also got a picture of her sleeping in her daddy's arms while he watched Justyne and Elijah search for eggs. I love the picture even though you can't see Briana. She was nestled so comfy in daddy's arms.
I wanted to add the pictures to this post, but I can't find them! I have looked and looked, and nothing! Hopefully they aren't lost for good. I need to do some more searching.
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