3 Years

It's been three years since you've been gone and I am so sorry things are this way. I intended on being the best mother I could be for you; yet I had fallen way short. There is no feeling more tragic than this...I failed you! You were my tiny, precious gift to take care of, and somewhere I went wrong, terribly wrong. I wish I did better; I wish I could have took your place. All of these random thoughts and hopes, but it can never be made better. I'm so so sorry,

What I Wish

I wish you were here

I wish you had time to build memories, a life and your own family

I wish you had the chance to leave a greater impression on this place

I wish it was easier to preserve your memory

I wish it was easier to talk about you

I wish it didn't hurt so bad

I wish we had more time together

I wish I could go back

I wish I could have held you safe in my arms while you slept

I wish I had kissed you more

I wish you never had left

I wish I could have you back

I wish, I wish, I wish

3/23/2007

3/23/2007

Hi sweetheart. I am now 6 days past your estimated due date and feeling a little saddened that I haven’t met you yet. Daddy and I thought for sure we’d have you by now. If you decide not to come in the next few days, your doctor is going to make you come out. I am scheduled to go to the hospital to start labor on Monday night, the 26th of March. If this happens, I should be holding you in my arms by Tuesday. A part of me is excited because I know I will have my little girl within a few days, but another part of me is disappointed that it may not happen on its own. I wish I had some sort of sign of labor so I know you’re ready to meet the world, but I haven’t felt anything that would suggest you are. Only you know…I wish you would just let me know! I have our bags packed and ready to go and your car seat is snugly fastened in my car. All I need is a sign from you to tell me to get going.

I feel you moving all the time and I can see your little body jostling around in my belly. It looks like your little butt is always sticking out as far as possible. I push on you some times and you move into another position…I guess you don’t want to be pushed! Daddy and I were watching television the other night and you were moving like crazy. Daddy was so amazed at you and couldn’t help but smile. It is so sweet to see him so intrigued by our little girl. He likes to put his hand on my belly and rub you. He makes you move every time. Seems like you don’t want to be touched! Well, Briana, I will try to write again soon, but hopefully you will decide to come before I have the chance. I love you hunny and I will meet you any day

now!

3/8/2007

3/8/2007

Hi my sweets! I just wanted to let you know how much I love bath time with you! I lay back in the tub and stare in awe at my belly as you toss and turn in there. It’s my favorite time to talk and to sing to you and it seems you are most active around this time, maybe just because I am paying more attention. I also notice that you get quite startled in the tub when I tap against the bottom or open and close the drain. It must have something to do with the way sound travels in water. Every noise must be much more sharp and loud judging by your reaction. The other day I startled you so much you jumped so hard it made mommy feel bad. I didn’t mean to wake you or startle you! But I do enjoy our bath time so much, it’s my favorite time of the day. The warm water soothes my body and relaxes me, and often I will read during this time. I think you are probably so used to the sound of running water by now, that you’ll absolutely adore bath time once you’re born. Speaking of bath time, I can’t wait to give you your first rub down! Hopefully you won’t cry but enjoy it completely like mommy does. Anyway, the countdown until your birth day is officially at 9 days, maybe a bit less or a bit more, but hopefully not the latter! I write these journal entries so that when you’re older you can read back on my experience being pregnant with you. I hope to continue this through some of your childhood. I intend on making scrapbooks with these entries so these memories will last a life time for me and you can maybe one day show them to your children. This is a very important project to me. You are my pride and joy and I want to relish in these moments for the rest of my life. I know the day you are born will be perhaps the happiest day of my life. After 10 long months, I will finally be able to hold my baby girl in my arms.

Fourth of July

Dearest Briana

As Avalyn celebrated her second Independence Day, I thought about you.

I remember you in your cute little fiery red, white, and blue outfit with your crochet headband adorned with a ribbon "firecracker". I remember meeting your Aunt Lisa at the mall early that day. We were sitting centered in the mall and everybody walked by and admired your beauty. How proud I was to hold you, to be your mom.

Later that day, we went to Aunt Lisa's for a barbecue. It was a short night, as you had to get home to sleep, and you didn't see any fireworks, but you got to spend time with those who love you so much.

I see these pictures of you that day and think of how beautiful you were that Independence Day. I also feel the pain of losing you; you left 8 days later.

I miss you so much. You are consistently on my mind and very alive in my heart.

As Always,

Mommy