Sunday, November 29, 2009

Always Thankful


Dear Briana,

We just celebrated Thanksgiving this past week. Avalyn enjoyed picking flowers and watching her cousins at Tia Linda's house. Daddy and I stuffed our bellies full with some good food. I made an apple pie, which turned out to be really yummy. We had fun.

I wish we had the chance to spend this holiday with you. I am so very thankful for you every day. I am thankful for the short time we spent together here on earth. I am thankful for the memories of our time together; the kisses, the giggles, the times I cradled you in my arms. I can't express enough....how thankful I am...how much I enjoyed loving you, your sweet little voice, gazing at your bright eyes. I can never find the words, my mind can never ponder deep enough, my voice can never convey the sincere love and joy...you brought to me. Thank you.

As always,
Mommy

Friday, October 30, 2009

Halloween



Dear Briana,

We don't normally do anything for Halloween, but this year we decided to take your sister to enjoy some church festivities. Grandma pitched in to buy her a cute little princess costume, which I can't wait to see her in, so the plan is to dress her up and take her out for a short night of hay rides and games, which she'll most thoroughly enjoy watching other children participating in. She is walking (almost running) now, so she'll at least wear herself out by running around the place. The place we're intending to bring her won't be overcrowded so it'll be perfect for her little legs.

We took her to a pumpkin festival last weekend, where she enjoyed a hay ride and running around to pick out her own perfect little pumpkin. It now sits in our living room on her playmat, where it gets tossed to and fro.

Your sister is getting big and playful. She now dances to music, screams on the top of her lungs when excited, and continuously runs backs and forth across the living room retrieving books for me to read. We read books all day long; she absolutely loves books and words.

Sometimes I can't help but think of you when looking at Avalyn. I wonder how you would have looked at her age and what different activities you would have enjoyed. When I see her so happy and smiley, her own most incredibly unique personality exposed, I so wish I could see you like that. That's when it hurts the most.

Missing you, as always...
Mommy

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Things are getting busy

Dear Briana,

Your sister turned one last week and she's taking her first steps! I can't believe I'm going to be chasing her around the house in the next few weeks, once she achieves some more balance on those feet. She is growing cuter by the second and is a lot of fun. Mimi bought her a toy car for her birthday and we took a ride this morning. We went up and down the driveway with Chase in tow. She enjoyed it a bunch.

Her birthday party was a lot of fun. She watched her cousins play and break open the pinata. She ate her first cake (yummy!), which mommy made from scratch. She went for a nice boat ride. She got to see everyone she adores. What a blast!

Daddy is keeping very busy with work, at home and abroad. And now I've decided to do a little bit of school, for the first time in SO long. I am excited but a bit nervous about having enough time for study. I am so busy without school! But it's about time I begin a career for myself, so it starts now.

I can't write all of this without telling you how much I miss you. My heart feels so sad when I think about it. We had such a short time together and the more I watch your sister grow, the more I realize I missed out with you. I wonder how you would be at your sisters age. I am sure you'd be running, possibly climbing trees by now; you were just so advanced for your age and so energetic and full of life. And then I wonder how you'd be at 2.5 years. I live a life of wonder. I can't help it. One day I won't have to wonder anymore.

Until then,
As Always

Love, Mommy

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Sister

Dear Briana,

Your sister is turning one in the coming weeks. It's so strange how quickly time has elapsed. Just yesterday it seems I was highly anticipating her birth, and here we are today planning her first birthday party.

Avalyn is getting her first teeth, learning to walk and sounding out her first words. This all in the last few weeks. Every morning she greets daddy and I with a wave and a loud 'Hi'. She is so sweet.

We don't yet know what we're doing for her first birthday, but whatever we do, I am sure she will be extremely thrilled, as long as her cousins are there.

Oh, and how much I wish you were here. I say it all the time because you are always on my mind. Without your sister, I am sure I wouldn't have made it this far.

When Avalyn is showing off in front of her cousins and digging into her first birthday cake, I will be thinking of you. As always.

Mommy

Memories of You

Dear Briana,

Daddy, Avalyn and I were taking a stroll around the block and I as we passed by a spot down the street, my mind couldn't help but think of you. At that same spot, just over two years ago, as daddy and I were pushing you in your little pink stroller, you looked at me for the very first time. Your eyes deliberately found mine, and we just locked eyes for a few short seconds and I remember thinking, as my heart melted, 'ohhhh, my sweet baby'. You were looking for me and found me. It was such a sweet moment.

After you went away, I decided to write down some of my most vivid memories of you so I will never forget them. I wrote them in my journal dated 4/4/08. Here are a few moments in time that we shared that are now such wonderful memories to me.

*Pushing you in your stroller, walking into the mall - talking to you in my 'mommy voice', telling you how much I love you and you just laid there, smiling. Your smile echoed throughout my soul.

*Pushing you in a cart at Target. You were in your car seat and you started whining. I put both of my hands out to you and you grabbed onto my index fingers and pulled yourself up into the sitting position (with a little bit of help!). You were so proud of yourself, you just looked around, hanging onto my fingers. I'd gently let go, putting you back into laying position and you'd start whining again.

*At Target, again (it was our favorite store), you were not enjoying the shopping trip too much, so I picked you up, holding you in one arm and pushing the cart with the other. Everyone was looking at you, smiling, and I remember at that moment feeling so entirely proud to be you mommy. I was always proud, but at that moment, it really hit me.

*Bath time every morning. I'd lay you down undressed on the bathmat next to the tub and you'd be kicking your legs vivaciously. I'd turn on the water and hurry to look at your expression. You'd freeze, look at me like "mommy, is this real? is it bathtime?". Then you'd start kicking the air again with your little legs. Mommy loved bath time with you.

*Watching you sit in your bumbo chair, so happy and amazed at yourself and at life. If we were outside, you'd look around with such a serious face, simply taking in all the beauty that surrounded you. At the same time, I'd be absorbing the beauty that surrounded me, too - which was you.

*Walking up to you while you were in your swing. You'd fixate your eyes on me, start smiling and kick your little feet. It would make me laugh every time. If I'd walk past you to do something and tease you (not purposely), I'd feel so bad.

*You'd get a kick out of it when I'd lay you down on the bed, grab you by your feet, and pull your sharply, then stop suddenly. If I remember correctly, this was one of the first times I heard you laugh. I'd also let you grab onto my fingers and pull yourself up into sitting position, then let you go. You'd crash into the bed and laugh.

*Buying your first toys. At the store, I'd show you different toys and whichever ones captured your interest more, I'd buy. One toy stands out in my memory the most. It was a blue octopus and each tentacle had a button and each time we'd push it, it would say something different. It said colors in spanish and then described something that is that color in a rhyme. When we played with it for the first time, you were sitting in my lap and you just stared at the silly ole' octopus for quite some time. Then I would push a button and your eyes would light up in wonder. We played with that octopus for a while and I enjoyed every second of it.

*One time, I bought wrist bands with rattles in them for you. I'dput them on your wrist but I don't think you ever realized they were there. Or maybe you just chose not to acknowledge them. Too boring? That was funny.

*When your dad was holding you on his belly while he was laying down playing the harmonica. Every time he blew into the instrument, he'd push his belly in and out rapidly. You'd just bounce along with the music. Grandma was there and we all got a good laugh out of that one.

*When you fell out of your bouncer. We had you in a bouncer that hangs from the doorway and somehow it detached from the door casing and down you tumbled to the floor. I don't think you cried (it was a very short fall), but I felt horrible. You just kind of looked at us like 'come on guys!'.

*When we were taking a bath and you reached out for my shaving cream bottle and it tipped over and hit your cheek. I turned you around, expecting you to cry and you looked at me with a pouty face and I smiled at you and that was it - you were fine. I remember feeling awful for it though.

*At your great grammy's house in St. Augustine, laying on the bed with you. You were on your back and I laid on my side facing you. For a good 20 minutes you just laid there all relaxed, looking around the room. Then you started reaching your hand out towards my face, on my mouth. And each time, I would either kiss your hand or sucked one of your fingers. That was the first and last time I recall you reaching out to me.

*Also at your great grammy's, you went to the beach for the first and final time. I had a low sitting beach chair on the shoreline and the water would rush under me, touching my skin. With shade from an umbrella, we sat there together during one of your feeding times. You were so beautiful and we had a beautiful day on the beach.

*Sometimes during feedings, I'd have you nestled on my legs and as I'd slip the bottle out of your mouth, you'd look at me and smile the sweetest smile ever, like a half grin, with your eyes gleaming so bright. I'd melt every time.

*I cherish every memory of you. They all are locked away in my heart, never to be replaced or forgotten. The time I had with you was the most precious gift of my life.

Briana, I may not have you in my arms any longer, but I do have the memories we created together. Thank you, thank you for these memories.

Love,
Mommy

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Don't Mourn For Me


Dear Sweet Briana,

Sometimes I just feel like wallowing in the grief and pain of losing you and just crying and screaming until I can no longer. For some reason it makes me feel better. I felt like doing that just now and was looking at your Totsites. I was greeted with a beautiful picture of you, sitting on the countertop with a giant watermelon. You were quite thrilled, evident by the enormous smile that stretched across your face. I can almost remember taking that picture, your daddy by my side. I was nervous about you sitting on the countertop, so with my hand by your side, I tentatively took a quick shot of my cutie pie and her watermelon. Avalyn loves watermelon. She would bathe in one if she could. Actually she almost has. I know you would have too. How much I regret that you never had the chance.

As I was allowing myself a moment to cry, I stumbled across a poem in your guestbook. This one really opened up the floodgates, but it was just so reassuring. Sometimes I feel so distant from you, and with every flip of the calendar, I feel more and more like I am losing you. This poem reminds me that although physically you are gone, as long as you stay alive in my heart, you'll always be near.

Don't Mourn For Me

Mother, please don't mourn for me; I'm still here, though you don't see.
I'm right by your side, each night and day
and within your heart I long to stay.

My body is gone but I'm always near. I'm everything you feel, see or hear.
My spirit is free, but I'll never depart
as long as you keep me alive in your heart.

I'll never wander out of your sight--I'm the brightest star
on a summer night. I'll never be beyond your reach--
I'm the warm moist sand when you're at the beach.

I'm the colorful leaves when fall comes around,
And the pure white snow that blankets the ground.
I'm the beautiful flowers of which you're so fond--
The clear cool water in a quiet pond.

I'm the first bright blossom you'll see in the spring;
the first warm raindrop that April will bring.
I'm the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine,
and you'll see that the face in the moon is mine.

When you start thinking there's no one to love you,
you can talk to me through the Lord above you.
I'll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees,
and you'll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze.

I'm the hot salty tears that flow when you weep
and the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep.
I'm the smile you see on baby's face. Just look for me, Mommy,
I'm everyplace!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

As Always

Dear Briana,

I am sitting here missing you, as I always do. Your sister is taking a long, big girl nap and amidst the dishes and laundry, my mind keeps returning to you. This morning your sister and I were outside feeding the cats, and I set her down on the sidewalk, as I always do, so she can pluck the grass from its roots and make piles of it on the concrete. I watched her and couldn't help but smile at the mess she was making of the sidewalk and of herself, grass and dirt all over her lap and lodged deep within her fingernails. Then I thought about you. I could see you in that same exact spot in your purple bumbo seat; your white lacey bonnet wrapped around your neck, looking out into the distance, simply pondering; your blue eyes fixated on something in the distance. I now wonder what it was that had you so captivated for that momemt.



So many things remind me of you. Little things I do with your sister now bring me back to those little things I did with you two years ago. When I think back, I realize that there was something so special about you, so different. Yes, every mother feels their child is special and unique, but you had something different. I can't put my finger on what it was, but it was.

Avalyn is now 10 months old today. Amazing. She is changing so much and is growing into such a beautiful, charming little girl. How much I wish you two could grow up together. I hear her waking so I must go. I love you, as always.

Mommy

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Missing You



Dear Briana,

It's been two full years since you left to go Home. That number boggles my mind; I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that we've been missing you for that long. I miss you the same as I did two years ago. I still long for you and call out your name in hopes that you hear me. I still catch myself, even right now, staring at your pictures trying to remember every detail I can from that moment in time.



You in your yellow swim suit with sweet little purple and pink flowers on the front, sitting on my lap next to the pool at your great Grammy's in St Augustine. You were watching daddy swim, so completely enthralled by the water. I took a picture of us together, you staring at your daddy in the pool. Even now, when I look at this picture, I can see how captivated you were at that moment in time. I can see your eyes wide and alert, sparkling just like the very water you're staring at. I can feel your arms and legs jumping with excitement. You just loved the water. I took you over to daddy and he held you out so you could kick your legs and glide across the top of the water. I have that moment on tape as well. But even looking at the picture brings me back to that very time; it all comes right back to me.



I love you Briana and time will never deplete that deep love I have for you. Nothing can ever take away the year we had together. I felt our connection the instant I knew you were growing inside of me. That bond will never break, never fail. Sometimes I hate time, knowing every hour, every day that passes, that it's been that much longer since I last held you and felt your warmth in my arms. But I also know that time is my friend and that I am growing closer and closer to you.

I love you Briana and I will see you again....soon.

Love, Mommy

Monday, June 29, 2009

In My Mind

Dear Briana,

I have been missing you for almost a full two years now and your loss still feels so new and raw. I look at your sister, who is getting so big and discovering so many new things, and can't help but try to imagine you at her age. She is just so full of fun and personality and I know that you would had been so much the same, yet so vastly different, so I can't help but ponder...and wonder. I try to picture you and your features at the mature age of 9 months, now that I see Avalyn changing daily right before my very eyes. Her face is becoming so "unbaby" like, so mature, so kid-like. She is transforming from a small, helpless infant to a rambunctious, go-go toddler. How I wish I could have witnessed your transformation. But I can still imagine. I look at your pictures and in my mind create another image of you, that's how I can keep you alive and watch you grow. I often wonder how you look in Heaven. From what I know, you look exactly like, well...you, and how you were before. So that when I go to Heaven, I know who to look for. I cry thinking of that moment, when you are mine once more. I am sure when I see you, you will be shining like the sun, and it will be impossible to miss you. Until then, I will imagine you, you will grow up in my mind.

I love you Briana.

Mommy

Monday, June 1, 2009







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Tuesday, May 26, 2009

You're Home

Dear Briana,

I was just thinking today that tomorrow will be 26 months since your birth. I just have a hard time wrapping my mind around the thought that it's been that long since I had you....and that it's been almost that long since I've last held you. It reminds me of how dearly I miss you and how much I wish you were here.

Whenever I see children that seem about 2 years old, I think of you....I see you. Sometimes I catch myself staring at them in wonder; trying to picture you as a 2 year-old. They are so big and talkative; it's so hard to picture you that way.

The other day I was just thinking about you and Heaven. I kept thinking about how hard it is to think you're in Heaven because Heaven seems so far away. It's hard because I've never seen Heaven; I only have an idea of how it is to be there. We all kind of picture Heaven differently, based on what we've heard or read about it. It just seems so distant and blurry. I know it is magnificent, but it still hurts to know that you are there and not here. So I told myself, you're in Heaven, you're HOME. For some reason it just makes me feel a bit better. Our home is Heaven, yes I know, but I've only experience home on this earth, not in Heaven. And I know home to be a very special place here, a place where I love to be. I can only imagine how much more special it is to be in our eternal home. So, from now on, when I think of Heaven, I will think of that wonderful place we call home...and know that you are there, being taken care of by your eternal Father; and waiting for me.

I love you.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mother's Day


Dear Briana,

Today is Mother's Day. I can't help but think back two years ago to the Mother's Day I shared with you. I don't remember exactly what we did that day, but I am very sure that it was special, just because it was spent with you. How much I wish I could remember that day, but for some reason it just is a blur to me.

Today is another Mother's Day...you're not here to share it with, but I can feel you in my heart...your presence I can always find there. This year I am a mother of two, unbelievable. Your sister scribble signed a card that daddy made for me; he had it placed next to the breakfast he made for me when I woke up this morning. It was a very sweet little card and I had no idea your daddy knew how to make something like that. He actually went on the computer and searched for a Mother's Day card! He's learning something new every day...

Yesterday daddy and Avalyn took me to brunch in Sarasota. We took Avalyn down to the beach where she took a quick dip in the ocean and then we went shopping. It was a nice afternoon together. Today your Aunt Lisa and I will be making dinner for Grandma. Not just any dinner either, a special one for Mother's Day to your grandma.

I wish you were here.

I love you.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Tiny Hands




Dear Briana,


I dream of the day when I hold your tiny hands in mine...again. A day when you wrap your hand tightly around my finger...never to let go. A day when I can take your tiny hand and bring it to my lips...a tender kiss. I miss you in such a fierce way. You were too perfect for this cold place.



"Tiny Hands" by Kenneth Cope


another pair of tiny hands
to lay beneath the clay
slumbering little baby eyes
to wake another day

oh god of heav'n, come guard this bed
and let this angel sleep
'til earth is pure for tiny hands
and safe for tiny feet

a wondrous little baby smile
the hope of things to be
born to face the troubled world
for a moment and then set free
oh god of heav'n, take hate from man
'til lambs and lions feed
and make earth pure for tiny hands
and safe for tiny feet

tiny hands
angel hands
perfect hands
blameless hands
lifeless hands
resting in the night
waiting for the light
when life will follow

oh god of heav'n, send christ again
bringing his reign of peace
let earth turn pure for tiny hands
and safe for tiny feet

then give back my child to me

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Briana's Birthday Tribute

http://www.onetruemedia.com/my_shared?z=1b52b8f14b5e1fabd0a016&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=text_url

Exhausted


My title explains it all: I am utterly exhausted!! It does take a village to raise a child! Doing it alone most of the time takes every drop of energy and patience I've got. Avalyn hasn't quite gotten the hang of entertaining herself, so that leaves me to entertain her. By about 2pm every day, my bag of tricks is running empty trying to keep Avalyn from crying and I am often left with no choice but to cry with her.

I am so sick of everyone saying that it gets easier as they get older; that the first few months are the hardest, then things seem to get better. Not always so! The first few months were a walk in the park compared to these last few months. She slept a lot, allowing me time to pump, get something to eat, get things situated around the house. I could set her down in one spot and she'd look around, keeping herself entertained, for at least a few minutes at a time. Now she barely sleeps and I am her favorite toy. Getting her to take a nap is like trying to bathe a cat...she fights and scratches and snarls. Then she is a grouch all day because she is so tired, she's constantly rubbing her eyes and tugging at her ears in exhaustion, but she just won't give herself a break. And, in turn, no break for me! When Brian comes home from work, Avalyn is waiting at the door for him! Finally, a moment to myself! Evenings are sometimes even more difficult, and I am getting the feeling that Brian is beginning to love his job a lot more now. Nights are increasingly interrupted; she used to sleep throught the night a lot, now she wakes 2-3 times! Her night time crying is so much more fierce than her daytime crying. I used to think alarm clocks were annoying, at least you set them for the time you want them to go off and they come with snooze buttons! I keep saying 'she's probably teething', but after 4 months and no tooth, that excuse goes out the window. Brian and I keep saying, believing what everyone is telling us, that things will get easier. But yesterday I got so sick of believing that then being disappointed when it doesn't, so I told Brian let's not expect things to get easier. Let's expect them to stay the same or even get worse, so that if and when things do get easier, we'll be surprised and not be like 'oh, about time!'. And, for now, we can stop setting ourselves up for disappointment by believing next month she'll be a piece of cake to take care, because she most certainly will not. Also, we will learn to enjoy her more now and love her more now for the way she is, and not be angry because she's not the way we want her to be or expect her to be. So, please, spare us the disappointment, please stop telling us things will get easier. And we will be more surprised when it does, because I know one day it will.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Easter

Sunday is Easter, Avalyn's first. Holiday's are so much more celebrated having a baby around. She is 6 months old and beginning to sit up on her own, unbelievable! Time is just a ticking and she's learning something new every day. How sweet it is to watch her learn and grow. We will be spending time with family this Sunday and I am sure she will enjoy it very much.

Briana celebrated Easter in 2007, she was only a week or so old. She was so tiny and new; I dressed her in a cute colorful onesie and we went to Grandma's for dinner. She wasn't able to do much but we did get a picture with a stuffed Easter bunny. I also got a picture of her sleeping in her daddy's arms while he watched Justyne and Elijah search for eggs. I love the picture even though you can't see Briana. She was nestled so comfy in daddy's arms.

I wanted to add the pictures to this post, but I can't find them! I have looked and looked, and nothing! Hopefully they aren't lost for good. I need to do some more searching.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Briana's Birthday



Today is sweet Briana's birthday. I don't know what to do. A part of me wants to start some sort of tradition for her birthday's - maybe some kind of a family get together in remembrance of her...kind of a celebration, kinda not. I just don't want people to forget. She may not be here but she was...once. She was born on this day two years ago, the happiest day of my life. I can remember it like it was only yesterday...seeing her for the first time and holding her so tight against my body.


When I think back to our days spent in the hospital, it was like a vacation to me, it was so surreal, so beautiful..those days. Those days, like every other, just passed by so quickly. How much I wish I could have captured them and stored them away, able to relive them piece by piece whenever I please. Instead I have bits and pieces engraved in my memory and today they are all flashing before my eyes. One of the most poignant - seeing Brian holding baby Briana in the nursery through the glass as I was wheeled from the recovery room to our room in the mothers & babys ward. He was so happy, his precious legacy wrapped up tightly in his arms. My mother looking in full of excitement....what beautiful memories. How much I miss those days.




Today will always be Briana's birthday. Please don't ever forget! Remember her in whichever way you choose...write a poem, look at some photos, bake a cake, give to someone in need, hold and kiss your children extra tenderly this day....




Briana, I love and miss you so much. I yell out to you 'Happy Birthday, Briana!'...how I wish I could know if you hear me. Today will always be such a special day to me...two years ago, today, mommy was blessed with the most wonderful gift ever...you! You warmed my heart and my soul, filled this home with laughter and love, you made me so happy...your legacy will live on forever. I am embracing you in my mind and deep within the walls of my heart...I am holding you ever so close...always!

Friday, March 20, 2009

March

So it's March. I almost can't believe it really. March was once a month I longed for; a date on my calendar that symbolized much joy and happiness...I had counted down the days with so much eagerness and anticipation... once. March was a beautiful Spring month....once. The birds of plenty filled the air with song and cheer; the sky was clear, the sun bright and warm...once. The earth came alive with the fragrance of flowers in full blossom and the Spring afternoon rains made it all abound to my senses...once.

I can't believe it's March. I can't believe it's another March without Briana. It hurts.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Letters to Heaven

Dearest Briana

We all miss you so much, Briana. Time doesn't make the longing disappear. Your sister is 5 months old now and is keeping mommy and daddy on our toes every waking moment, but we are enjoying it immensely. I look at her and sometimes see you, looking right back at me, wide-eyed and bushy-tailed. Your sister reminds me of you so much, even though you look vastly different. She shares a lot of the same personality traits as you; she is extremely fiesty; has her cuddly, gentle moments when she is all smiles, then she has her stubborn, demanding moments when it seems like nothing will soothe her. She LOVES being outside so we spend a lot of time out there. She is eager to learn and explore, just like you, but hasn't quite figured out how to get around much just yet. You were trying to crawl at day 1. So much alike, you two. Knowing that brings boths smiles and tears and it always will.

No matter how busy I am, you are always foremost on my mind. I look at your pictures all of the time so that at any moment when I want to remember your face, I can see it as clear as day. I think of our times together, constantly refreshing my memory. You made me so happy, Briana, and losing you temporarily took all of my happiness away. Now that I am able to remember and sometimes smile about it, some of that happiness is being restored back into my life. Your sister has also restored some of that happiness, too. I have to be happy for her, and for your dad, and for myself. I remind myself that it is okay to be happy, it is okay to smile and to love life. I know you want that for me.

I am missing you, always.

Mommy

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Pain in Laughter


I remember the first time I laughed after Briana passed. Brian and I were in the car and Brian made a joke of something, I don't quite remember what, and I tentatively broke out into a quiet laugh. This chuckle only lasted a second or two before I caught myself...did I just laugh? Why am I laughing? There is nothing to laugh about!! Never again will I break like that!


I don't remember how soon after her passing this event occured, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. I hysterically broke down into an aching cry, yelling at myself for allowing myself to have a laugh. Brian explained to me that it is okay to smile again, to laugh again, and that one day it won't hurt to do those things. I didn't believe him. The pain I felt after I laughed was so intense, so real. How could I ever laugh or smile without my baby?


Over a year and a half later, the pain I used to feel when allowing myself to 'have a good time' or chuckle a bit has dissipated and is almost nonexistent. Especially now with having Briana's little sister around, laughter is a common visitor to my lips and it feels good. How could we not just live with a constant smile on our faces with little Avalyn around to cheer us up? But there are still times I think about it, the pain that once loomed after grins and giggles. And it still shows up every so often, but not as strongly. It's wonderful to experience true happiness again, with no guilt attached.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

My Valentine


Today is Valentine's Day; never a much celebrated holiday in our house, but it still stirs up the love emotion inside. How I wish I could spend this day, or any day, with beautiful Briana. She'd be closing in on age two, and perhaps she and I would bake heart cookies or muffins for daddy on this day, or make a lovely card for him showing our appreciation. It's hard not to imagine how any day might be like if she were here in our home, together, a family, especially on heartfelt days like today. Still, I also imagine what she is doing in Heaven. No matter here or there, she still is my sweet Valentine. Briana, my heart and love goes out to you.

Friday, January 23, 2009

A New Year


It's a new year - another year without my sweet Briana. I can't believe she's been gone for so long; that two new years have now begun without her. Two Thanksgiving's, two Christmas holidays, two New Year's, two of mommy's birthdays, two of daddy's...Over 18 long months. She would be approaching her second birthday in March, accomplishing so many milestones. We're missing out on so much. I just hope that she's not missing out on anything in Heaven - that she is as happy as can be with her Heavenly Father; that she knows nothing on this earch can come remotely close to what's in Heaven - the love, happiness, the joy.

Her sister is now 16 weeks old, just eclipsing the age Briana was when she died. It's becoming exciting to see her grow; soon she'll grow like Briana never did. We will soon be able to experience a 4-month-old, we've never had a 4-month old. So it brings some excitement, yet also some sadness along with it. She will be doing what Briana never got the chance to do; sit up, crawl, walk, talk. How I wish Briana had that chance. Still, while I watch Aavalyn grow and learn, in a way I will be able to see Briana through her, growing and learning the same. They are sisters; of the same flesh and blood. So when I smile because Avalyn took her first step, I will see Briana taking her first step. And when I laugh because Avalyn said 'mama' for the first time, I will hear Briana saying 'mama' for the first time. And, for sure, right behind those smiles and laughter, there will be tears - because I miss Briana so, so much.

Monday, January 12, 2009

My Fishy

Avalyn is 15 weeks old today...an age I've been dreading. Briana was 15 weeks 2 days old on that dreary July morning. I remember the night before, taking our night time bath together, Brian sitting on the ledge of the tub, counting how many days old she was...106 days. We couldn't believe it had been that many days since our little sweets had been born; since we first laid our tired eyes on her, since we first took her in our long awaiting arms. 106 days...we thought about it for a bit, remembering our journey, mesmerized at how incredibly awesome it is to be parents and to have such a happy baby girl in the house.

How ignorant we were...how naieve...how just plain human we were I guess. Little did we know that the door would come screaming shut that very night.

Briana saw fishies the night before...she held her tiny hands up to the cold glass, gold fins darting from one end to the other. She looked amazed at all of the life inside the tiny glass box. She was hypnotized, her eyes trying feverishly to follow the panicky fish, and she just silently fell into a deep smile. She loved the fish, they were terrified of her. She saw the little freshwater turtles, the same kind Brian and I had in our makeshift freshwater tank when we were dating. She saw a plethora of beautiful birds, fluttering around in cages. She saw hamsters, guinea pigs, even ferrets. But she just loved the fish.

We ate at Panera Bread. She sat calmly, wide-eyed in her car seat, staring at me as I ate. Not a peep, not a stir. When I finished, I hurried to pick her up and wrap her in my arms. I was so proud to hold her, especially that night. I was so proud to be her mommy.

In the bath that night, she moved her hands under the running faucet for the first time. My heart sank. My sweet baby, doing something new every day...always managing to amaze me. She loved the water, she loved bath time.

Thinking back to that night is like taking a knife to my already bleeding heart. But it's a place I have to go...I have no choice. Yes, it hurts, but I love remembering how I felt with my little fishy that night. It was magical. How ironic.