Letters to Heaven

Sweet baby girl,Lately days have been really tough and excruciatingly long. We are awaiting the birth of your sister in the upcoming weeks, and you are all over my mind. The floodgates of my memory are wide open, and sweet memories of you are bursting out. I remember the last days being pregnant with you and the joy and excitement I felt knowing your arrival was just around the corner. I was so thrilled to meet my perfect baby girl and hold her tight against my body. You were all I had ever hoped for, all that a mommy could ever want in life. And to finally meet you, and feel the warmth of your tiny body, was Heaven to me.I don't know exactly why these last days have been so particularly hard for me, since finally I see happiness on the horizon, but I am feeling tested in every way. I am fighting off fears and worries of something terrible happening to your sister and battling thoughts that I may fail at being a parent. I have tried preparing as much as possible these past months, but I still feel as if I am missing something. I think after losing you, that I will always feel like I am behind in life and missing out on something that can be so much better...something that makes so much more sense. I am babbling, I know...I just miss you so much. I want to hold you so bad...and smell you, and kiss you. I want to feel the softness of your skin and silky smoothness of your hair. Sometimes when I think hard enough and reach back deep into my memories, I can actually feel you...like you're right back in my arms. I can feel my cheek rub against your hair...and smell the fragrance of your skin...feel your body in my arms, nestled snugly against my skin. If I remember long enough, I can hear your beautiful voice again...and see your lips perk up to a smile as I stare deeply into your ocean blue eyes. When I reach deep enough, you are all mine all over again, safe in mommy's loving arms. If only there was a way I could keep you there, never to let you go again...I would. Briana, mommy will always be so in love with you, so captivated by your charm and loveliness. You own a place in my heart that will never be erased, nor replaced. My heart is yours forever. I love you more than I'll ever be able to comprehend....our love is so intense and real. I hope you felt that when you were here. I hope that you always felt wrapped in the cloak of my love, felt the adoration that only exists between a mother and her child, felt constant desire and allegiance. I hope you know that I wanted nothing but the best for you, my daughter. If I accomplished this, then shame has no place. I love you, my sweets.Mommy

A Day in the Life of a Bereaved Mother

Today is just another day, not much different than yesterday or the day before. Nothing spectacular, nothing exciting, nothing to remember. Some may wonder what the typical day is like to a mother after experiencing the loss of her child. Let me say, it is so much better to wonder than to have to experience it first hand.

My typical day:

-Waking up in the morning in a completely silent and still house, but not thinking twice about it. This is my new normal. No longer do I wake up to my baby girl's voice, babbling away, filling the house with so much life. Right after her death, mornings were the absolute worst. Now, I am used to the worst.
-Opening my bedroom door to the world, the dredded first step into the rest of the house. Fighting off the urge to peer through this lifeless house to her bedroom, but often blinded by the light beeming through the cracks of her door. Don't look! Just do what you need to do and go back to your room!
-Feeling guilt for feeding myself in the morning. Feeling guilt for deliberately trying to steer away from her pictures, knowing the incredible pain they bring. Feeling guilty for laughing at something on the television or watching something that I know is meaningless. Feeling guilty for shopping on Ebay for baby stuff for Avalyn. Feeling guilty because today I feel like writing in Avalyn's journal, but not Briana's.
-Laying in my bed all day, avoiding contact with all lifeforms, clouding my mind with the pointless jibber jabber of the television.
-Occasionally drifting off and reliving the worst day of my life, induced by a simple thought, a quick glance at a picture, or something sad on tv. Thinking, remembering, screaming, crying, aching heart, fierce tears...I beat myself up for a while, but my mind, in all of its diligence, always finds a way to veer off to some other land. Then I am fine...for the moment.
-Calling my husband in emotional distress, but not wanting to let him know of it. Still wishing he will somehow lift me up and bring me some hope. He asks me how things are going...yea, I'm OK...when really I am screaming from the bottom of this pit I am in, begging for him to pull me out. But I just can't let him know...if he knows, then I just pull him into this put of mine.
-Waiting patiently for husband to get home....the only brightness in my day. Hug me, hold me, just love me....you have no idea how much I need you. Drag me out of this house, how I really need to see the sun, the grass, the blue sky.
-Escaping this prison, venturing off into public....absolute torture. The memories, the happy families, the smiling babies, the sappy songs, the questions, the what if's and should have been's. Hopefully I don't see anyone I know....hopefully nobody asks me where my baby is. Yes, I have other children, but please don't ask me any more questions. Please don't take notice of me, just let me fade on into the background. I am too ashamed to be noticed. Hunny, you run in, I'll stay in the car this time....please.
-Driving, looking into my rearview mirror, catching a glimpse of the backseat. No carseat, no little mirror up on the headrest reflecting the image of my beautiful sleeping baby...nothing, but an empty backseat. Brutal reminders.
-Fearing for the future. What if something happens again? Worrying about Avalyn...nothing better happen to her, ever. I cannot survive another tragedy...I am too weak. I am already broken. Lord, have mercy on me.
-Forcing myself to cook, even if it's just a day out of the week. Forcing myself to make my husband lunch for his exhausting day at work. Forcing myself to let him know that I do care about him...I do love him. I am just depressed right now, I wish I could do more for you. I hope you understand.
-Laying down to sleep, battling the thoughts that ping pong through my head. Scanning the hundreds of images permanently engraved in my memory...holding Briana for the first time, her first bath, her many smiles...images of her in her swing, in her bumbo seat, in daddy's arms, in her gentle sleep. I see her in all of her beauty, but still can't smile. I wish I could smile, but I just hurt.
-Waking in the middle of the night amidst the most awful nightmares. Nothing can compare to the day she left us, but sometimes nightmares come close. They seem so real. Why can't I get a break? Just some peaceful sleep? Do I really have to relive her death even in my sleep? Rolling over to my husband, asking him to hold me....please, just rescue me from this horror....this terrible dream. Please, just talk to me until I fall back asleep. Tell me that everything is ok, that things will be alright. Please.

Letters to Heaven

April 3, 2008
I can't believe it's been over 8 months and 3 weeks since I've last held you in my arms, cherishing my sweet little girl. I miss our days together, bath time, our walks and bike rides, shopping together. I am so alone without you. My days feel so empty and dark - time just drags on without you. I have pictures all over the house of you and every time I look at them, I cry. I want our time back, I want to go back!I miss you, baby! I will spend the rest of my life missing you, grieving for you. I am always thinking about you, remembering you. I will always cherish the time we had together. It was the best time of my life. I thank you for that. You are and will always be the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love you and adore you, Briana. I am holding you tight in my heart and I will never let go.Mommy loves you!

April 12, 2008
Today is the 12th...marks the ninth month since you left for Heaven. It feels like it was yesterday...I can't believe it is getting close to a year. Where does the time go? Time just doesn't exist without you. I miss you so much....I love you endlessly. You are forever my angel.

April 25, 2008
I love you Briana, foreverMy love for you will long outlive my life here on earth. It will thrive long after the end of this earth. You may be gone, but the love we have has survived. You are always on my mind, everything I do, I do in remembrance of you. You are permanently alive in my heart, for you have touched it so, leaving a mark that will stand the test of time.I miss you so much, baby girl. Days are so hard and so long without you. Soon it will be a year since you left us; oh, how time just flies, even though at times it feels like it's frozen. I always imagine how you would be today, what you would look like, what you would be doing...then I smile a bit, and cry even more...then reimagine you again. I see you running through open fields, chasing love bugs, picking flowers, running your fingers through the grass. I picture your hair blowing in the breeze, your eyes shining like the sun, your smile lighting up my world. I imagine myself playfully chasing you around the house, accompanied by laughter and love. Thinking about this hurts so much...knowing of the time and memories we were robbed of. But I need to imagine...I anxiously await to see you again, until then I will always imagine.Mommy loves you and misses you, baby.

May 13, 2008
Briana, mommy misses you so. Mother's Day just wasn't a day without you. I woke up to tears streaming from my eyes, and that stream continued off and on through the day. Your daddy tried to keep me busy, but my mind just couldn't seem to keep up. My mind is always on you; I think of you constantly. I think, I remember, I contemplate, I wonder, I imagine...Today I just can't stop thinking about the night you went to Heaven. I can't stop thinking about the regrets that I have. I would have done anything to keep you, to save you...if I had only known. Here's a quick poem I wrote...this sadness is a dark cloud over me and sometimes writing helps. I love you my sweet angel...forever.If only I knew the dangers,I would have done what is rightI’d given it allTo save you that nightI would have watched you sleepGrin in your dream’s delightNever for one second,Let you out of my sightI would have held youNever to let you go, my grasp so tightFought off the kiss of deathWith all of my mightAnd if only I couldNow that I can see the lightI so wish to go backTo save you that night

June 5, 2008
Angel baby,Mommy has been so sad all day today. I am realizing that no matter how busy I try to keep, no matter what I do or where I go, there is this dark, thundering cloud looming over me constantly. Nothing in this life seems substantial enough, or reason enough to keep me content. I am missing something that can never be replaced...I am missing you! It seems I am never happy, never relaxed for more than a minute, never smile more than a few seconds until I feel the return of pain. Nothing exists in this life that can return my joy or love of life. I often wonder, but now more than ever, will I ever be happy again? Will I ever truly live again before I die? I feel so lost and confused, and stumble through each day not sure of my purpose. Without you, what is my purpose? I am so angry at myself, at God, at my life and what it's become. Will I live the rest of this life angry and disoriented?Life is like a wild horse... I can either ride it or it will ride me. Right now, I am being thrown around wildly by this life, this horse. I just don't know if I ever can regain control.Briana, you have a little sister on the way. We are naming her Avalyn Joy. If only you were here to welcome her into the world with us. You two would be the best of friends and the closest of sisters. I am so sorry that you will not be able to experience the incredible bond of a sister here on earth. Still, she will know all about you and will always speak of you as if you are here. We will be sure to incorporate you, and your memory, into everything we do as a family, because you are our family. I am always thinking of you and holding onto our memories we made together. I miss you terribly...there are no words, no way of speech that can explain the magnitude of love that I will always have for you.

June 27, 2008
I love you, precious Briana. I always say it, but I wonder if you hear me. I love you, I love you, I love you!!! Do you hear me? I think about you all the time, you are never far from my mind. You gave us so much happiness and overwhelming joy while you were here with us. You filled our lives, our hearts, our home with laughter and love. Thank you so much for giving us so much love. You are so beautiful, so lovely, my sweets. I miss you so much. I know you are being taken care of in Heaven, happy in the arms of Jesus. There are no such things as tears or pain in Heaven. For that, I am so glad. I love you!

July 22, 2008
Briana, it's been just over one year since you left to go home and be with Jesus. I miss you just the same as I did back then. The pain of having to accept your departure is still deep and raw. I cry now, but look forward to the day when I can think of my time with you and smile, fully appreciating the 106 days I had you in my arms. You are such a treasure, it's just that right now the memories are so painful, knowing what we're missing out on.We all miss you, Briana. Daddy and I constantly think about you and talk about how much you're missed. Grandma deeply misses the time she spent with you, too. During this short time you had on Earth, you touched so many lives. You are a great inspiration to all who ever knew you and even many who didn't. Your story and memory will always be cherished, never forgotten. You are such a wonderful little girl.I love you, sweetie.

Rain is Pourin'

This poem perfectly describes how I feel a lot of the time.

Rain is pourin' down like the
heavens are hurtin'.
Seems like it's been dark since
the devil knows when.
How do you go on, never knowin'
for certain,
Will the sun ever shine again?

Feels like it's been years since
it started to thunder.
Clouds are campin' out in the valley
and glen
How do you go on, when you can't help
but wonder.
Will the sun ever shine again?

What if the rain keeps fallin'?
What if the sky stays gray?
What if the wind keeps squallin',
And never go away?

Maybe soon the storm will be
tired of blowin'.
Maybe soon it all will be over, amen.
How do you go on, if there's no way
of knowin'?
Will the sun ever shine?
Wish I could say.
Send me a sign-
One little ray.
Lord, if you're list'nin', how long
until then?
Will the sun ever shine again?

Tears

I can't help but wonder the purpose of tears. Is there some sort of chemical reaction that happens as a result of sadness that causes one to cry tears? Does the release of tears actually help ease ones pain? Or is it merely an outward sign to all that one is overcome with a particular emotion? When someone cries, we hold them, we console them, we offer them a shoulder. Is that inevitably what helps ease the pain? Is it chemical or is it physical?

Whatever it may be, I have grown very fond of tears. In a way, they have become my friend. I feel that in every tear that falls from my eyes, I have conquered something that I am battling inwardly. Be it fear, or grief, or sorrow, or pure madness at myself, with each tear, I am becoming an overcomer of it. I know that emotion has not been overcome for good, yet knowing it's gone for the moment gives me relief. It enables me enough time to replenish and regroup for the next battle, whenever it may be.