Happy Feet

I've been calling Avalyn 'Happy Feet' as her little nickname. She's getting used to her chubby legs and little feet so much that she thoroughly enjoys kicking the air while laying down. She is also starting to 'run' on them when we stand her up. The only time they stop moving is when she sleeps. It's too cute.

The Truth Is

The Truth is...
1. The truth isn't that you will feel all better in a couple of days, or weeks, or even months. The truth is that the days will be filled with an unending ache and the nights will feel one million sad years long for a while. Healing is attained only after the slow necessary progression through the stages of grief and mourning.

2. The truth isn't that a new pregnancy will help you forget. The truth is that, while thoughts of a new pregnancy soon may provide hope, a lost infant deserves to be mourned just as you would have with anyone you loved. Grieving takes a lot of energy and can be both emotionally and physically draining. This could have an impact upon your health during another pregnancy. While the decision to try again is a very individualized one, being pregnant while still actively grieving is very difficult.

3. The truth isn't that pills or alcohol will dull the pain. The truth is that they will merely postpone the reality you must eventually face in order to begin healing. However, if your doctor feels that medication is necessary to help maintain your health, use it intelligently and according to his instructions.

4. The truth isn't that once this is over your life will be the same. The truth is that your upside-down world will slowly settle down, hopefully leaving you a more sensitive, compassionate person, better prepared to handle the hard times that everyone must deal with sooner or later. When you consider that you have just experienced one of the worst things that can happen to a family, as you heal you will become aware of how strong you are.

5. The truth isn't that grieving is morbid, or a sign of weakness or mental instability. The truth is that grieving is work that must be done. Now is the appropriate time. Allow yourself the time. Feel it, flow with it. Try not to fight it too often. It will get easier if you expect that it is variable, that some days are better than others. Be patient with yourself. There are no short cuts to healing. The active grieving will be over when all the work is done.

6. The truth isn't that grief is all consuming. The truth is that in the midst of the most agonizing time of your life, there will be laughter. Don't feel guilty. Laugh if you want to. Just as you must allow yourself the time to grieve, you must also allow yourself the time to laugh. Viewing laughter as part of the healing process, just as overwhelming sadness is now, will make the pain bearable.

7. The truth isn't that one person can bear this alone. The truth is that while only you can make the choices necessary to return to the mainstream of life a healed person, others in your life are also grieving and are feeling very helpless. As unfair as it may seem, the burden of remaining in contact with family and friends often falls on you. They are afraid to butt in, or they may be fearful of saying or doing the wrong thing. This makes them feel even more helpless. They need to be told honestly what they can do to help. They don t need to be told, I m doing fine when you're really NOT doing fine. By allowing others to share in your pain and assist you with your needs, you will be comforted and they will feel less helpless.

8. The truth isn't that God must be punishing you for something. The truth is that sometimes these things just happen. They have happened to many people before you, and they will happen to many people after you. This was not an act of God; it was an act of Nature. It isn't fair to blame God, or yourself, or anyone else. Try to understand that it is human nature to look for a place to put the blame, especially when there are so few answers to the question, Why? Believing that you are being punished will only get in the way of your hopes for the future.

9. The truth isn't that you will be unable to make any choices or decisions during this time. The truth is that while major decisions, such as moving or changing jobs, are better off being postponed for now, life goes on. It will be difficult, but decisions dealing with the death of your baby (seeing and naming the baby, arranging and/or attending a religious ritual, taking care of the nursery items you have acquired) are all choices you can make for yourself. Well meaning people will try to shelter you from the pain of this. However, many of us who have suffered similar losses agree that these first decisions are very important. They help to make the loss real. Our brains filter out much of the pain early on as a way to protect us. Very soon after that, we find ourselves reliving the events over and over, trying to remember everything. This is another way that we acknowledge the loss. Until the loss is real, grieving cannot begin. Being involved at this early time will be a painful experience.

10. The truth isn't that you will be delighted to hear that a friend or other loved one has just given birth to a healthy baby. The truth is that you may find it very difficult to be around mothers with young babies. You may be hurt, or angry, or jealous. You may wonder why you couldn't have had that joy. You may be resentful, or refuse to see friends with new babies. You may even secretly wish that the same thing would happen to someone else. You want someone to understand how it feels. You may also feel very ashamed that you could wish such things on people you love or care about, or think that you must be a dreadful person. You aren't. You're human, and even the most loving people can react this way when they are actively grieving. If the situations were reversed, your friends would be feeling and thinking the same things you are. Forgive yourself. It's OK. These feelings will eventually go away.

11. The truth isn't that all marriages survive this difficult time. The truth is that sometimes you might blame one another, resent one another, or dislike being with one another. If you find this happening, get help. There are self help groups available or grief counselors who can help. Don't ignore it or tuck it away assuming it will get better. It won't. Actively grieving people cannot help one another. It is unrealistic, like having two people who were blinded at the same time teach each other Braille. Talking it out with others may help. It might even save your marriage.

12. The truth isn't that eventually you will accept the loss of your baby and forget all about this awful time. The truth is that acceptance is a word reserved for the understanding you come to when you've successfully grieved the loss of a parent, or grandparent, or a beloved older relative. When you lose a child, your whole future has been affected, not your past. No one can really accept that. But there is resolution in the form of healing and learning how to cope. You will survive. Many of us who have gone through this type of grief are afraid we might forget about our babies once we begin to heal. This won't happen. You will always remember your precious baby because successful grieving carves a place in your heart where she will live forever.by C. Elizabeth Carney, RN

Heaven's Breath

I could taste it

While you were here

Just a little piece of Heaven

In the one I held so dear

If only I could

I would have bottled it up

If ever I ran dry

I could refill my cup

Now it seems

Days are so long

I cry

As I sing this song

Breath of Heaven

Hold me together

Be forever near me

Breath of Heaven

Breath of Heaven

Lighten my darkness

Pour over me your holiness

For you are holy

Breath of Heaven

Memorial Poem

I wrote this with the intention to use it for Briana's memorial, but never did.

In this, all of life
There is only one thing I know as sure
No, not what I see, that which surrounds
Only this is true and pure
I know this I cannot see
But, here, in my heart of hearts
I know it’s meant to be

I will see you again
Watch the heavens open so wide
In the light of His glory
With you by my side
Angels will sing His praise
And with you
I will spend all eternity’s days

Yes, in my life
I will not grieve my last day
As I draw my last breath
I know all will be okay
Not one tear will I cry
Nor worry will I fret
I will welcome this last -
‘Goodbye’

Because I will see you again
Watch the heavens open so wide
In the light of His glory
With you by my side
Angels will sing His Praise
And with you
I will spend all eternity’s days

People, don’t cry for me
When this day arrives
Don’t shed one tear
This is the reason I survived
Be it tomorrow or twenty-thousand from then
I wait, assured
My long journey will be fulfilled
When

I see her again
Watch the heavens open so wide
In the light of His glory
With her by my side
And the angels will sing His Praise
And with her
I will spend all of eternity’s days
- In memory of my precious daughter,
Briana Marie

I am Thankful

Thanksgiving is just around the corner. I am actually looking forward to the holidays this year. I have a baby in my arms and much to be thankful for. Last Thanksgiving was torture. The world could have ended and I wouldn't had cared. I would have welcomed it, and end to this misery. And Christmas just around the corner?? Ugh, world just end!!

Now that I have had a year to grieve and recover, and have since welcomed a tiny new life into this world, I care more. I have a lot to be thankful for, and world, please, don't end just yet.

I am thankful.

I am thankful for the opportunity to love and to cherish and to cradle...tiny bodies and special memories.

I am thankful that more often these opportunities flourish into more loveliness, more time to cherish and to cradle and create more lasting memories.

I am thankful that even those that don't, still existed even for a fleeting moment in time; and still own a sacred place in my heart.

I am thankful for LIFE, even though it can really put a hurtin' on me sometimes. For all of the heartbreaks and stubbed toes, LIFE is so special and momentously rewarding.

I am thankful for GOD, who is LIFE. Period.

I am thankful for my family, who, for the most part, has been remarkably supportive of me over the past year and a half. Family makes this ride of LIFE so worth it.

I am thankful for friends; for their kind words, quiet prayers and subtle thoughts.

I am thankful for my darling husband. We have been on quite the roller coaster this past while, and he has been so solid and supportive through it all.

I am thankful for my DAUGHTERS. Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend...DAUGHTERS are. My daughters are more precious than anything to me, and most certainly any stone, no matter how shiny and costly. My daughters are priceless. Briana and Avalyn are so precious, and are most certainly the best things I have to show for my life. I am so, so thankful for them. I owe them my LIFE.

Letters to Heaven

Dearest Briana,

Your sister has been home for just over 8 weeks now and has been keeping mommy and daddy extremely busy. Avalyn is changing so much every day and her increasing smiles and long, lovely gazes remind me of the joy I had felt with you. There are so many reminders of your lovliness now that she is here. So many things she does, her facial expressions and sounds she makes bring me back to the days I spent with you. Sometimes that feels good, other times it simply hurts.

Last night I had a bit of a meltdown, curled up in a ball in the corner of Avalyn's room, your photo album in hand, and just cried until I felt better. It felt relieving to have a good cry again and to really look at your pictures with the intention to....remember. I barely have the time anymore to even take a moment to gather my thoughts, so allowing myself those moments last night was special, even though they hurt.

Even though I don't have the time to really intently think about you and cry over you, I still miss you so much. I hate the idea that I will remember less and grieve less often with time. I have to really dismiss the thought that I am forgetting about you if I don't take the time to remember. I will never forget about you! You are always foremost in my thoughts and a bubbling life stream in my heart. You have shaped my life and my heart more than I could have ever shaped yours. I love you so much and miss you so much more. That will always hold true...and this love I have for you can never be forgotten.

So in Love

I love this picture. Brian is so in love with little Avalyn. He is the best daddy ever.

Welcome to Holland

This one was written by a mom who had a special needs child, but it still fits for the loss of a child:
QUOTE
Welcome To Hollandby Emily Perl Kingsley c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved. I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this...... When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting. After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland." "Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy." But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place. So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills.... and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts. But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned." And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss. But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland

So this is what it's like

Avalyn Joy was born on September 29th at 9:21am. She came out kicking and hollering, music to mine and Brian's ears. She weighed in at 7lbs 8oz and her length measured 20 1/2". We spent 3 nights at the hospital getting to know our new little bundle...it was almost like a vacation, but even better. I told Brian the day after having her that I feel like a new person, and I meant exactly that. I actually feel alive again and am treasuring each moment of this new life. Avalyn is such a sweet, happy baby. Some of her feautures remind me of her sister's, but yet she is so completely different. I remember hoping during my pregnancy, that Avalyn would be just like her sister...that she would look like her, act like her, smile like her....that she would be her all over again. She's most definitely not. Still, she brings a smile to my face and memories of Briana are all-consuming. So different, yet so much the same. So this is what it's like to live again...to be a mommy all over again. I am so happy...finally. I will always miss my Briana, but Avalyn has brought me new life. I owe her so much for that.

Letters to Heaven

Sweet baby girl,Lately days have been really tough and excruciatingly long. We are awaiting the birth of your sister in the upcoming weeks, and you are all over my mind. The floodgates of my memory are wide open, and sweet memories of you are bursting out. I remember the last days being pregnant with you and the joy and excitement I felt knowing your arrival was just around the corner. I was so thrilled to meet my perfect baby girl and hold her tight against my body. You were all I had ever hoped for, all that a mommy could ever want in life. And to finally meet you, and feel the warmth of your tiny body, was Heaven to me.I don't know exactly why these last days have been so particularly hard for me, since finally I see happiness on the horizon, but I am feeling tested in every way. I am fighting off fears and worries of something terrible happening to your sister and battling thoughts that I may fail at being a parent. I have tried preparing as much as possible these past months, but I still feel as if I am missing something. I think after losing you, that I will always feel like I am behind in life and missing out on something that can be so much better...something that makes so much more sense. I am babbling, I know...I just miss you so much. I want to hold you so bad...and smell you, and kiss you. I want to feel the softness of your skin and silky smoothness of your hair. Sometimes when I think hard enough and reach back deep into my memories, I can actually feel you...like you're right back in my arms. I can feel my cheek rub against your hair...and smell the fragrance of your skin...feel your body in my arms, nestled snugly against my skin. If I remember long enough, I can hear your beautiful voice again...and see your lips perk up to a smile as I stare deeply into your ocean blue eyes. When I reach deep enough, you are all mine all over again, safe in mommy's loving arms. If only there was a way I could keep you there, never to let you go again...I would. Briana, mommy will always be so in love with you, so captivated by your charm and loveliness. You own a place in my heart that will never be erased, nor replaced. My heart is yours forever. I love you more than I'll ever be able to comprehend....our love is so intense and real. I hope you felt that when you were here. I hope that you always felt wrapped in the cloak of my love, felt the adoration that only exists between a mother and her child, felt constant desire and allegiance. I hope you know that I wanted nothing but the best for you, my daughter. If I accomplished this, then shame has no place. I love you, my sweets.Mommy

A Day in the Life of a Bereaved Mother

Today is just another day, not much different than yesterday or the day before. Nothing spectacular, nothing exciting, nothing to remember. Some may wonder what the typical day is like to a mother after experiencing the loss of her child. Let me say, it is so much better to wonder than to have to experience it first hand.

My typical day:

-Waking up in the morning in a completely silent and still house, but not thinking twice about it. This is my new normal. No longer do I wake up to my baby girl's voice, babbling away, filling the house with so much life. Right after her death, mornings were the absolute worst. Now, I am used to the worst.
-Opening my bedroom door to the world, the dredded first step into the rest of the house. Fighting off the urge to peer through this lifeless house to her bedroom, but often blinded by the light beeming through the cracks of her door. Don't look! Just do what you need to do and go back to your room!
-Feeling guilt for feeding myself in the morning. Feeling guilt for deliberately trying to steer away from her pictures, knowing the incredible pain they bring. Feeling guilty for laughing at something on the television or watching something that I know is meaningless. Feeling guilty for shopping on Ebay for baby stuff for Avalyn. Feeling guilty because today I feel like writing in Avalyn's journal, but not Briana's.
-Laying in my bed all day, avoiding contact with all lifeforms, clouding my mind with the pointless jibber jabber of the television.
-Occasionally drifting off and reliving the worst day of my life, induced by a simple thought, a quick glance at a picture, or something sad on tv. Thinking, remembering, screaming, crying, aching heart, fierce tears...I beat myself up for a while, but my mind, in all of its diligence, always finds a way to veer off to some other land. Then I am fine...for the moment.
-Calling my husband in emotional distress, but not wanting to let him know of it. Still wishing he will somehow lift me up and bring me some hope. He asks me how things are going...yea, I'm OK...when really I am screaming from the bottom of this pit I am in, begging for him to pull me out. But I just can't let him know...if he knows, then I just pull him into this put of mine.
-Waiting patiently for husband to get home....the only brightness in my day. Hug me, hold me, just love me....you have no idea how much I need you. Drag me out of this house, how I really need to see the sun, the grass, the blue sky.
-Escaping this prison, venturing off into public....absolute torture. The memories, the happy families, the smiling babies, the sappy songs, the questions, the what if's and should have been's. Hopefully I don't see anyone I know....hopefully nobody asks me where my baby is. Yes, I have other children, but please don't ask me any more questions. Please don't take notice of me, just let me fade on into the background. I am too ashamed to be noticed. Hunny, you run in, I'll stay in the car this time....please.
-Driving, looking into my rearview mirror, catching a glimpse of the backseat. No carseat, no little mirror up on the headrest reflecting the image of my beautiful sleeping baby...nothing, but an empty backseat. Brutal reminders.
-Fearing for the future. What if something happens again? Worrying about Avalyn...nothing better happen to her, ever. I cannot survive another tragedy...I am too weak. I am already broken. Lord, have mercy on me.
-Forcing myself to cook, even if it's just a day out of the week. Forcing myself to make my husband lunch for his exhausting day at work. Forcing myself to let him know that I do care about him...I do love him. I am just depressed right now, I wish I could do more for you. I hope you understand.
-Laying down to sleep, battling the thoughts that ping pong through my head. Scanning the hundreds of images permanently engraved in my memory...holding Briana for the first time, her first bath, her many smiles...images of her in her swing, in her bumbo seat, in daddy's arms, in her gentle sleep. I see her in all of her beauty, but still can't smile. I wish I could smile, but I just hurt.
-Waking in the middle of the night amidst the most awful nightmares. Nothing can compare to the day she left us, but sometimes nightmares come close. They seem so real. Why can't I get a break? Just some peaceful sleep? Do I really have to relive her death even in my sleep? Rolling over to my husband, asking him to hold me....please, just rescue me from this horror....this terrible dream. Please, just talk to me until I fall back asleep. Tell me that everything is ok, that things will be alright. Please.

Letters to Heaven

April 3, 2008
I can't believe it's been over 8 months and 3 weeks since I've last held you in my arms, cherishing my sweet little girl. I miss our days together, bath time, our walks and bike rides, shopping together. I am so alone without you. My days feel so empty and dark - time just drags on without you. I have pictures all over the house of you and every time I look at them, I cry. I want our time back, I want to go back!I miss you, baby! I will spend the rest of my life missing you, grieving for you. I am always thinking about you, remembering you. I will always cherish the time we had together. It was the best time of my life. I thank you for that. You are and will always be the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love you and adore you, Briana. I am holding you tight in my heart and I will never let go.Mommy loves you!

April 12, 2008
Today is the 12th...marks the ninth month since you left for Heaven. It feels like it was yesterday...I can't believe it is getting close to a year. Where does the time go? Time just doesn't exist without you. I miss you so much....I love you endlessly. You are forever my angel.

April 25, 2008
I love you Briana, foreverMy love for you will long outlive my life here on earth. It will thrive long after the end of this earth. You may be gone, but the love we have has survived. You are always on my mind, everything I do, I do in remembrance of you. You are permanently alive in my heart, for you have touched it so, leaving a mark that will stand the test of time.I miss you so much, baby girl. Days are so hard and so long without you. Soon it will be a year since you left us; oh, how time just flies, even though at times it feels like it's frozen. I always imagine how you would be today, what you would look like, what you would be doing...then I smile a bit, and cry even more...then reimagine you again. I see you running through open fields, chasing love bugs, picking flowers, running your fingers through the grass. I picture your hair blowing in the breeze, your eyes shining like the sun, your smile lighting up my world. I imagine myself playfully chasing you around the house, accompanied by laughter and love. Thinking about this hurts so much...knowing of the time and memories we were robbed of. But I need to imagine...I anxiously await to see you again, until then I will always imagine.Mommy loves you and misses you, baby.

May 13, 2008
Briana, mommy misses you so. Mother's Day just wasn't a day without you. I woke up to tears streaming from my eyes, and that stream continued off and on through the day. Your daddy tried to keep me busy, but my mind just couldn't seem to keep up. My mind is always on you; I think of you constantly. I think, I remember, I contemplate, I wonder, I imagine...Today I just can't stop thinking about the night you went to Heaven. I can't stop thinking about the regrets that I have. I would have done anything to keep you, to save you...if I had only known. Here's a quick poem I wrote...this sadness is a dark cloud over me and sometimes writing helps. I love you my sweet angel...forever.If only I knew the dangers,I would have done what is rightI’d given it allTo save you that nightI would have watched you sleepGrin in your dream’s delightNever for one second,Let you out of my sightI would have held youNever to let you go, my grasp so tightFought off the kiss of deathWith all of my mightAnd if only I couldNow that I can see the lightI so wish to go backTo save you that night

June 5, 2008
Angel baby,Mommy has been so sad all day today. I am realizing that no matter how busy I try to keep, no matter what I do or where I go, there is this dark, thundering cloud looming over me constantly. Nothing in this life seems substantial enough, or reason enough to keep me content. I am missing something that can never be replaced...I am missing you! It seems I am never happy, never relaxed for more than a minute, never smile more than a few seconds until I feel the return of pain. Nothing exists in this life that can return my joy or love of life. I often wonder, but now more than ever, will I ever be happy again? Will I ever truly live again before I die? I feel so lost and confused, and stumble through each day not sure of my purpose. Without you, what is my purpose? I am so angry at myself, at God, at my life and what it's become. Will I live the rest of this life angry and disoriented?Life is like a wild horse... I can either ride it or it will ride me. Right now, I am being thrown around wildly by this life, this horse. I just don't know if I ever can regain control.Briana, you have a little sister on the way. We are naming her Avalyn Joy. If only you were here to welcome her into the world with us. You two would be the best of friends and the closest of sisters. I am so sorry that you will not be able to experience the incredible bond of a sister here on earth. Still, she will know all about you and will always speak of you as if you are here. We will be sure to incorporate you, and your memory, into everything we do as a family, because you are our family. I am always thinking of you and holding onto our memories we made together. I miss you terribly...there are no words, no way of speech that can explain the magnitude of love that I will always have for you.

June 27, 2008
I love you, precious Briana. I always say it, but I wonder if you hear me. I love you, I love you, I love you!!! Do you hear me? I think about you all the time, you are never far from my mind. You gave us so much happiness and overwhelming joy while you were here with us. You filled our lives, our hearts, our home with laughter and love. Thank you so much for giving us so much love. You are so beautiful, so lovely, my sweets. I miss you so much. I know you are being taken care of in Heaven, happy in the arms of Jesus. There are no such things as tears or pain in Heaven. For that, I am so glad. I love you!

July 22, 2008
Briana, it's been just over one year since you left to go home and be with Jesus. I miss you just the same as I did back then. The pain of having to accept your departure is still deep and raw. I cry now, but look forward to the day when I can think of my time with you and smile, fully appreciating the 106 days I had you in my arms. You are such a treasure, it's just that right now the memories are so painful, knowing what we're missing out on.We all miss you, Briana. Daddy and I constantly think about you and talk about how much you're missed. Grandma deeply misses the time she spent with you, too. During this short time you had on Earth, you touched so many lives. You are a great inspiration to all who ever knew you and even many who didn't. Your story and memory will always be cherished, never forgotten. You are such a wonderful little girl.I love you, sweetie.

Rain is Pourin'

This poem perfectly describes how I feel a lot of the time.

Rain is pourin' down like the
heavens are hurtin'.
Seems like it's been dark since
the devil knows when.
How do you go on, never knowin'
for certain,
Will the sun ever shine again?

Feels like it's been years since
it started to thunder.
Clouds are campin' out in the valley
and glen
How do you go on, when you can't help
but wonder.
Will the sun ever shine again?

What if the rain keeps fallin'?
What if the sky stays gray?
What if the wind keeps squallin',
And never go away?

Maybe soon the storm will be
tired of blowin'.
Maybe soon it all will be over, amen.
How do you go on, if there's no way
of knowin'?
Will the sun ever shine?
Wish I could say.
Send me a sign-
One little ray.
Lord, if you're list'nin', how long
until then?
Will the sun ever shine again?

Tears

I can't help but wonder the purpose of tears. Is there some sort of chemical reaction that happens as a result of sadness that causes one to cry tears? Does the release of tears actually help ease ones pain? Or is it merely an outward sign to all that one is overcome with a particular emotion? When someone cries, we hold them, we console them, we offer them a shoulder. Is that inevitably what helps ease the pain? Is it chemical or is it physical?

Whatever it may be, I have grown very fond of tears. In a way, they have become my friend. I feel that in every tear that falls from my eyes, I have conquered something that I am battling inwardly. Be it fear, or grief, or sorrow, or pure madness at myself, with each tear, I am becoming an overcomer of it. I know that emotion has not been overcome for good, yet knowing it's gone for the moment gives me relief. It enables me enough time to replenish and regroup for the next battle, whenever it may be.

I miss you, my sweets

I miss you, darling
Like the deserts miss the rain
Like frantic flies
On the window pane
I miss you, sweetie
Like starving children long for a reason
Like the poor farmer
Craves for his season
I miss you, lovely
Like the depths of the earth’s growl
Like a pack of hungry beasts
On the prowl
I miss you, my sweets
Like the mass of prayers I send
Like this universe
Stretches out to no end
--I love you, Briana

Defeated

Now, over one year after Briana went to Heaven, some days are good, never great, and some days are just bad, very, very bad. Some days I feel victorious in my battle with life's elements, but some days I feel defeated. Today I feel extremely defeated. The pelting of this harsh rain and beating of these strong winds have me begging for mercy. Please, Lord, just please give me peace, grant me strength - I feel so broken and heavy-laden. I know only you can lift up this head of mine and keep me from falling.

Last night I laid awake thinking of Briana, and of the happy times we spent together. I thought about our trips to the store, bath time together, holding her ever so proudly in my arms in public, beeming, screaming "Look at her, this is my daughter, and, boy, am I proud to be her mommy". These happy moments flash before my eyes, being embedded in my memory, but then are quickly overcome with the knowledge that she's gone. Happiness turns into sadness, simple joys into streams of tears. Defeat.

If Only I Knew

If only I knew the dangers,
I would have done what is right
I’d given it all
To save you that night
I would have watched you sleep
Grin in your dream’s delight
Never for one second,
Let you out of my sight
I would have held you
Never to let you go, my grasp so tight
Fought off the kiss of death
With all of my might
And if only I could
Now that I can see the light
I so wish to go back
To save you that night

A Poem to Briana

I feel you
I feel you in the dark of night
When I gaze at the moon that lights up the dark sky
I see the brightness I once saw in your eyes
I feel you
I feel you in the heat of the day
When I turn my face to the cool breeze
I feel you
I feel you when I lay down and dream
And feel the vibration of my beating heart
I feel you
I feel you in the wind
When I turn my face into the breeze
And it brushes my skin so lightly
I feel you
I feel you in the warmth of the sun
As it touches my cool skin,
Giving it a warm glow
I feel you

Life After Death

Unfortunately, for me, there is life after the death of my daughter, as unbearable as it can be most days. I am trying to regain some hope for my future in this world, and this pregnancy helps, but I don't know if I'll truly be able to embrace the beauty of life the same as I once did. I know that once I have Avalyn in my arms, that I will be overcome with love and joy, but will it be the same? Or, will this deep crater within my heart prevent me from ever feeling content and fulfilled, no matter what happiness the rest of my years can offer? Will I always feel so empty and broken? If only there was a magic window or lense I could peer into and see myself years from now; how will I be when I am old and grey, how will I feel? Or maybe I really don't want to have a sneak peak into my future...what if it remains dark and grey? What if the sun never shines again? What if I don't make it until I am old and grey? Even if I do, will I just be counting down the days until I see my sunshine, my Briana, again?

I want to KNOW that she is in Heaven and that I will hold her again; that I will see her smile, take in her smell, once again. I believe that I will. She is so good and so pure, without absolutely any imperfection, if there is indeed a place like Heaven, she would be there. Jesus, are you holding my baby? Tell me that she is well...so much better than she could be here on this tainted Earth. Does she dance? Is she playing with other children lost? Is she excited to see me again? I want to know...I need to know. How is my baby? How does one hear God? I wish I could hear you, I bet you are speaking to me now, reassuring me of your goodness and mercy; whispering in my ear that my Briana is better than ever, and that she is, too, counting down the days until she sees her mommy again.

Count them down, my sweet angel baby. Mommy is busy counting, too. My heart aches to reach you again. My arms ache to hold you one more time. I will not be satisfied until the time comes that we are one again. Space and time may separate us, but my heart is forever linked with yours.