Saturday, May 14, 2011

Dancing in the Rain


Dear Briana,

Sometimes people ask me if things are getting better, or if I am feeling better, in comparison to almost four years ago...when you went away. That's such a dynamic question...some days I feel like I can truthfully answer yes to that question, but other days I am not so sure if I can with all honesty. Like I have always said, time does make things easier, as the rawness of it all wanes, but time surely doesn't heal. The pain and anger, the frustration, regret...it's all still there if I want to dig deep enough.

I hate the thought that I have moved on or moved pass what happened to you, and I know that isn't completely true. I have learned to once again enjoy the beauty in this world and in life, but I know I still am not 100% where I once was, and perhaps will never be. I can now get through the day without a terrible breakdown, I can listen to certain songs without crying (sometimes), look at pictures without sobbing, talk about you without wanting to claw off my face...

STILL, I love you with the same intensity that any mother loves their child, and most likely with more. I have learned that 'healing' (if you want to call it that) is okay, and that smiling and laughing is acceptable, and that loving is necessary....again. I have learned that sometimes life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, but about learning to dance in the rain....

Love always,
Mommy