Merry Christmas, Briana

Dear Briana,

Tomorrow is Christmas. We are getting excited. I finished wrapping gifts last night and will be baking cookies from scratch tonight, then going to church for Christmas service. I am thrilled about seeing Avalyn wake up in the morning grumpy as always, but then becoming excited when seeing her gifts under the tree. She absolutely loves unwrapping presents now that she is capable of doing it mostly on her own. Brian and I will probably end up letting her unwrap our own as well. So tomorrow will be fun, not only because of the presents, but mostly because of the family. It's nice when family can get together and enjoy each other's company. Avalyn will have fun playing with her cousins for sure.

I will always wish that we were able to have Christmas (many) together. Your daddy and I will be thinking of you and missing you tomorrow, and tomorrow's tomorrow, and the next and so on. I only hope that many others will be thinking of you as well, as I am sure they will. You have enriched many lives, even with only spending a few months here with us. I can surely say you have thoroughly enriched my life and my heart. I get comfort in knowing you will be spending Christmas with the Almighty. Without him, there would be no Christmas. We celebrate tomorrow because of Jesus, his birth, and his life. I will be thinking of you and him and all who I love.

Merry Christmas

As always,

Mommy

Wintertime Blues

Dear Briana

Your sister is in nap time slumber and here I am thinking about you. I am so happy to have a moment to remember you and look at your pictures. These moments don't come often as your sister keeps me on my toes and of constant vigilance. She is a little chatterbox nowadays as her vocabulary and personality are both growing enormously. She really doesn't care to play by herself so she is always pulling at my shirt and hands telling me to come play in her room with her toys. We spend lots of time in there reading books, building blocks, singing and playing games. Sometimes I wish I had more time for myself, but in reality, little time is what's best for me. I need to stay busy to keep myself right. Still, I love these sweet, short moments afforded to me, as I can think and reminisce of our sweet, short moments we had together one Spring some time ago - the Spring I held you in my arms just as tightly as I now hold you in my heart. In my leisure time, my mind often scans through our moments together without even a trigger or a thought. I often see you in nature or in places in my day-to-day life. My body craves to remember you because I need you. And then I think of you for a while, I see your bright blue eyes staring at me, I see you reaching out to me, I can even still feel your skin to my lips....for a moment...then your sister calls for me, and I have to go....and that's what is best....but I will see you again.

With much love and sadness,

As always,

Your mommy

I Am Always Thankful

Dear Briana

Today is Thanksgiving Day and as I am baking in the kitchen, you are on my mind. We like to spend today with those we are most thankful for, sharing memories and laughs over a delicious turkey dinner, playing games and watching the Thanksgiving Day parade or a classic Christmas comedy. With this in mind, my day wouldn't be complete if I didn't spend some time remembering one of the things I am most thankful for - you. You may not be here to join us at the table or play amongst your cousins, but you are always present in my heart and in my mind. I am most thankful for the memories you gave me and the time we shared - those can never be forgotten or replaced. I still thank God for you even now that you are gone. Every parent tells of how much their children taught them, about how much they have grown as a person because of their children, and I think I can say that even more so because of you. You have taught me so much; perhaps more than I wanted. But because of you, I am a strong person - stronger than ever before.

You have taught me how to be a mother. You have taught me humility, compassion, discipline, the virtue of being a parent, you have taught me how to truly love, and how to truly let go. You have taught me how to forgive; you have taught me that I am courageous, that I am good, that it's okay to hate myself as long as I can forgive myself, you have taught me that tears can heal, that time does have some magic. You have taught me the full spectrum of joy and the full spectrum of grief. You have taught me that there is indeed always sunshine after the storm; that life does go on - if you like it or not. You have taught me that it's okay that the world doesn't stop when mine does. You have taught me that people do mean good just may have a hard time knowing how to express it. You have taught me that I am LOVED! You have taught me that perhaps God doesn't have a handle on it all; that I am the one in charge of my life. You have taught me that things happen; good and bad, and sometimes there's just no way around it; yet sometimes there is, but you may never know. You have taught me that things aren't always fair, aren't always right, but I must move forward. You have taught me to live for today and not for yesterday or tomorrow. You have taught me that today is what matters; to make the best of it. You have taught me how to fight; how to fight for my life or for what's left of it. I fought hard, and because of you, I won. I am forever thankful, today and always.

I love you, as always

Mommy

Ava saves me when I'm feeling blue

Tonight hasn't been a good night. Remembering my far too few days spent with Briana while looking at all of her pictures has left me feeling numb and overwhelmingly sad. How much I miss her cannot and will not be expressed through words. To Brian and I, Briana is the most beautiful thing that has ever touched this earth and our tears and sadness can never measure the impact she has had on our lives. We miss her deeply and long for her with every breath.

Brian and I tip-toed into sleeping Ava's room after sharing many tears; knowing that every bout with sadness must end with a shred of hope - some happiness. Watching Avalyn as she slept gave us strength and confirmed our purpose. She slept quietly and soundly until I whispered to her, "Ava, I love you".

She twisted and turned, and with a sigh, responded,

"I love you, mommy."

The sweetest thing I have ever heard. How can I ever thank her?

Baths & Bubbles

You absolutely loved bath time. During the day you would take a bath by yourself in your little tub, and at night you and I would take one together. I remember when I was pregnant with you I would lay in the tub at night and excitedly watch my belly in hopes that you would start to move. You often did so I would just lay there and watch, trying to distinguish your elbows from your knees and your hands from your toes. Sometimes if you were quiet and I wanted you to wake up, I would tap the tub and you would begin to move. One time I unplugged the drain and it made a loud tatter against the bottom of the tub and you jumped so hard...I figured I must of scared you. Even after your birth, you seemed so energetic in the tub. You'd kick and slap your hands against the surface of the water. You'd smile and stick out your tongue. How much we loved bath time! I love the picture of you with bubbles all over your head. To me the picture shows you exactly as I want to remember you - energetic, happy, playful, beautiful, bright....

I miss you...I could never say it enough.

As always, with love

Mommy

Forever in Our Hearts

Briana

Mommy's sitting here, crying over losing you and reading other parent's terrible stories of loss. I ran into this poem. I will never forget you. These tears seem to renew my love for you. It feels good. I love you so so much.

As always, Mommy

FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS

We thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new.
We thought about you yesterday, and days before that too. We think of you in silence; we often speak your name,
but all we have are memories and your pictures in a frame. A million times we've longed for you...a million times we cried.
If love could only have saved you, you never would have died. It broke our hearts to lose you, but you didn't go alone. Part of us went with you the day God called you Home. In life we loved you dearly; in death we love you still. In our hearts you hold a place no one can ever fill. Your memory is our keepsake, with which we'll never part. God has you in His home; we have you in our hearts.

~Author Unknown

3 Years

It's been three years since you've been gone and I am so sorry things are this way. I intended on being the best mother I could be for you; yet I had fallen way short. There is no feeling more tragic than this...I failed you! You were my tiny, precious gift to take care of, and somewhere I went wrong, terribly wrong. I wish I did better; I wish I could have took your place. All of these random thoughts and hopes, but it can never be made better. I'm so so sorry,

What I Wish

I wish you were here

I wish you had time to build memories, a life and your own family

I wish you had the chance to leave a greater impression on this place

I wish it was easier to preserve your memory

I wish it was easier to talk about you

I wish it didn't hurt so bad

I wish we had more time together

I wish I could go back

I wish I could have held you safe in my arms while you slept

I wish I had kissed you more

I wish you never had left

I wish I could have you back

I wish, I wish, I wish

3/23/2007

3/23/2007

Hi sweetheart. I am now 6 days past your estimated due date and feeling a little saddened that I haven’t met you yet. Daddy and I thought for sure we’d have you by now. If you decide not to come in the next few days, your doctor is going to make you come out. I am scheduled to go to the hospital to start labor on Monday night, the 26th of March. If this happens, I should be holding you in my arms by Tuesday. A part of me is excited because I know I will have my little girl within a few days, but another part of me is disappointed that it may not happen on its own. I wish I had some sort of sign of labor so I know you’re ready to meet the world, but I haven’t felt anything that would suggest you are. Only you know…I wish you would just let me know! I have our bags packed and ready to go and your car seat is snugly fastened in my car. All I need is a sign from you to tell me to get going.

I feel you moving all the time and I can see your little body jostling around in my belly. It looks like your little butt is always sticking out as far as possible. I push on you some times and you move into another position…I guess you don’t want to be pushed! Daddy and I were watching television the other night and you were moving like crazy. Daddy was so amazed at you and couldn’t help but smile. It is so sweet to see him so intrigued by our little girl. He likes to put his hand on my belly and rub you. He makes you move every time. Seems like you don’t want to be touched! Well, Briana, I will try to write again soon, but hopefully you will decide to come before I have the chance. I love you hunny and I will meet you any day

now!

3/8/2007

3/8/2007

Hi my sweets! I just wanted to let you know how much I love bath time with you! I lay back in the tub and stare in awe at my belly as you toss and turn in there. It’s my favorite time to talk and to sing to you and it seems you are most active around this time, maybe just because I am paying more attention. I also notice that you get quite startled in the tub when I tap against the bottom or open and close the drain. It must have something to do with the way sound travels in water. Every noise must be much more sharp and loud judging by your reaction. The other day I startled you so much you jumped so hard it made mommy feel bad. I didn’t mean to wake you or startle you! But I do enjoy our bath time so much, it’s my favorite time of the day. The warm water soothes my body and relaxes me, and often I will read during this time. I think you are probably so used to the sound of running water by now, that you’ll absolutely adore bath time once you’re born. Speaking of bath time, I can’t wait to give you your first rub down! Hopefully you won’t cry but enjoy it completely like mommy does. Anyway, the countdown until your birth day is officially at 9 days, maybe a bit less or a bit more, but hopefully not the latter! I write these journal entries so that when you’re older you can read back on my experience being pregnant with you. I hope to continue this through some of your childhood. I intend on making scrapbooks with these entries so these memories will last a life time for me and you can maybe one day show them to your children. This is a very important project to me. You are my pride and joy and I want to relish in these moments for the rest of my life. I know the day you are born will be perhaps the happiest day of my life. After 10 long months, I will finally be able to hold my baby girl in my arms.

Fourth of July

Dearest Briana

As Avalyn celebrated her second Independence Day, I thought about you.

I remember you in your cute little fiery red, white, and blue outfit with your crochet headband adorned with a ribbon "firecracker". I remember meeting your Aunt Lisa at the mall early that day. We were sitting centered in the mall and everybody walked by and admired your beauty. How proud I was to hold you, to be your mom.

Later that day, we went to Aunt Lisa's for a barbecue. It was a short night, as you had to get home to sleep, and you didn't see any fireworks, but you got to spend time with those who love you so much.

I see these pictures of you that day and think of how beautiful you were that Independence Day. I also feel the pain of losing you; you left 8 days later.

I miss you so much. You are consistently on my mind and very alive in my heart.

As Always,

Mommy

Dear Baby

11/11/2006

Dear baby,

This is mommy’s first journal entry to you. I have been wanting to do this for a while now but have never actually sat down and did it until now. I have so much I want to tell you, my heart is overflowing with emotions and love for you that’s hard to put into words. I am almost 22 weeks pregnant with you now and feel you squirm and flip-flop every day. You are quite the active little one in there, I wouldn’t be surprised if you end up being a gymnast or a boxer. Whatever you do, mommy will be proud. Know that your dad and I love you so much already and are so looking forward to your arrival. I tear up just thinking about seeing your beautiful face for the first time, hearing your first cry, touching your soft skin - all of this is only about 18 weeks away. I am trying my hardest to enjoy being pregnant with you and not getting overly anxious to meet you. I want to savor every moment because before I know it you’ll be all grown up and having your own children. Even so, I still think about taking you on your first stroll in the park, capturing your first smile, watching you courageously take your first step. Daddy and I are looking forward to our future with you, our precious child. We love you deeply. I will write more later, but remember above all that God loves you more. You are the apple of His eye, as you are ours. Daddy is just getting home now so I will write more later. Mommy loves you!

Ocean Blue

Sittin’ here

Gazing at my Ocean Blue

Crying those long, steady

Burning hot tears

Got this aching feelin’

Don’t ever seem to go away

Deep within-

Since I lost my Ocean Blue

Can’t stop wonderin’, askin’

Lord, tell me

How is my Ocean Blue?

Lookin’ at those blues

Once shinin’ so bright

Where’s the joy?

Can’t fight off the sorrow

Nothin’s been the same

Fightin’ away this wayward life

Life is pain, shame-

Since I lost my Ocean Blue

Askin’ all kinds of questions

Lord, answer me

How is my Ocean Blue?

Can’t sleep this night

This train just don’t stop movin’

Wish it would all just disappear

For a while

Lend me some sleep

But unrelentin’, tears keep flowin’

Heart is ever achin’-

Since I lost my Ocean Blue

I just can’t stop thinkin’

Please, oh please, let me know

How is my Ocean Blue?

Funny Little Faces

Dearest Briana

It's hard to know what to write other than how sad I am and how much I miss you. So I decided to pick a picture we had taken of you and write what I remember from that moment in time. It seems looking at your pictures is what stirs up the most in depth thoughts and memories. I can look at one picture and that one picture can bring back a slew of events that happened around that moment in time.

The date I took these pictures was July 1, 2007. Just days before you went home. Knowing that alone fills my heart with aching sadness. You were being so silly with daddy, lounging on the couch, daddy visibly looking tired. You laid there with your dad, sharing sweet moments that would forever link your hearts. I remember that outfit you wore, it was the first time you had worn it and it was looking a bit big on you. You laid on daddy's tummy and began making the funniest little faces. It was just your mouth, you were moving it from side to side, obviously just beginning to realize you had a mouth there. I quickly grabbed the camera to catch these moments. These pictures just don't fully capture the true feeling of that moment, of how delighted you were of yourself learning to move your mouth and feel your lips....of how excited I was to see you do it...of how warm your daddy felt with you snuggled against his skin. They just don't suffice. Still, I am so glad I took these pictures. Just two weeks before you were gone....Now I wish I could of somehow cherished it more.

As Always, with love

Mommy

On My Mind

Dear Briana

Your sister is taking a nap and I can't get you out of my head. I always think of you during moments like these; quiet times I have alone to myself. It's hard to think about anything other than your sister when she is awake, and clinging to my legs yelling "Mommy!".

She is growing so big and becoming extremely talkative. In fact, she really never stops talking. It's amazing how quickly she is turning into a little girl and no longer my baby. I look at her all of the time and try to see you in her, but I can't. When I was pregnant with her, I prayed she would look just like you, but she never has. I just wanted to be reminded of you. I wanted to see you all day. I wanted to see you grow. I wanted everything we missed out on. But your sister is so, so different.

I miss you so much. You would be three years old. I see other kids around that age, with their long hair thrown back in ponytails, running around and playing and talking. If I think about it too much, it really hurts me. Thanks to your sister though, it's almost impossible to dwell on it for long. Still, I wish I could see you as a three-year-old.

I love you

As Always

Mommy

Emptiness

'This space is with me all the time it seems. Sometimes the empty space is so real I can almost touch it. I can almost see it. It gets so big sometimes that I can't see anything else. '

Dear Briana,

I feel so empty right now. It it is so overwhelming...I can't see or feel anything else. Bad days like today make it worse. I wait patiently for it to go away. Your sister is calling from her nap, how I wish it were you.

Mommy

No One Knows

If tears could build a stairway,

and memories a lane,

I would walk right up to heaven

to bring you home again,

No farewells were spoken,

No time to say Good-bye,

You were gone before I knew it,

and only God knows why,

My heart still aches in sadness,

and my secret tears still flow,

What it meant to lose you

NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW!!

Feeling Blue Without You

Dear Briana,

Today is March 24, 2010..........

You would be three years old three days from now....and you are three in my mind. And next year you will be four and so on...How much I get sick of saying how you 'would be' or 'would have been'. You still are..to me. You are so alive to me still. The memories I have of you keep you that way.



Three years ago I was anticipating your arrival with great joy and nervousness. I had so many visions of how motherhood would be; of how you would look and feel. Nothing is every how you envision it. Being a mother was a lot tougher than I imagined. I feared not making it through your birth after dwelling on those few horror stories. I feared you not making it either. Then I heard your tiny cry....and all of those fears were swept away. I looked at your daddy, my eyes welling up with joyous tear, and his too, and said 'I want to see my baby!'. Seeing you for the first time will always be one of those memories that just always stick around; one I will never forget. The first two months were so hard and tiring. You didn't sleep well and being a mommy was amounting to a lot bigger of a task than I thought it would be. Then we began settling in, you started sleeping better, I was getting used to you and you were getting used to this world. Suddenly it came all crashing down around me....and you were gone.

March 27th is your birthday. What a special day it will always be for me...as I remember bringing you into this world with such gladness...and some sadness.

I miss you so much my baby girl

As always,
Mommy

I Will Always Remember

Dear Briana

Your daddy and sister are taking a bath and I was just dusting Avalyn's room. We have a poster hanging from her wall that your FuFu made with your pictures. I stopped dusting and quietly examined your beautiful face on the poster. I couldn't help but just think of how beautiful you are. Everything about you - your bright blue eyes, your smile, your silky hair. Your face...just breathtaking. I thought to myself, 'I can never forget the beauty...'. It's sometimes so hard to remember the beauty through all of the pain. When I look at your pictures, I can remember. So after admiring for a bit, I picked back up my cloth to continue dusting, and my eyes quickly scanned over Avalyn's shelf adorned with Willowtree figurines. My eyes locked in on the Remembrance angel and her tag that reads 'I Will Always Remember'. I said that over and over in my mind and in my heart. It is true. I will always remember, Briana. I will remember the good times we had and the joy you brought to your dad and I. I will always remember those months we had with you; the time I carried you in my belly, the time I carried you in my arms. I will always remember the sheer beauty of your face, how you felt against my skin, our bath times together. I will always remember your sweet smile and those times that smile erupted into a giggle.

I carry you in my heart alone now, but your presence is so strong there....I can never forget. I will always remember.

As always, with love
Mommy

Would You

I watch your sister and wonder
Would you?
Tears well up in my tired eyes
I try to stay strong, your sis looks on
Says, 'Mommy, up!'
Would you?
I wrap my aching arms around her
She points up, to my sadness
Says, 'Mommy, eyes'
Would you?
I can't fail, I break a smile
She looks on intently
And gladly lights up my day with her smile
Would you?


I was laying your sister down for her nap, pressing my face against her warm hair. I watched her as she fought to keep her eyes open, fighting the enemy called sleep. She would hate to miss anything. Finally, she gave up and dozed off. And I wondered would you had been the same? Such a feisty, energetic little thing...she is, your sister. My vocabulary when I think of you includes a lot of would of's, should of's and could of's. There's nothing worse than having to remember with so much remorse. Makes it hurt to remember.

Still I think about you all of the time. I wish somehow you knew. I love you somuch.

As always, Mommy

My Love

Dear Briana,

As Valentine's Day approaches, I can't help but think of you. I was at the store today picking out a card for your daddy and I saw some cards for Daughter's. Immediately I thought Avalyn is much too young for a card, but what should I do for her? I then thought of making some homemade healthy cookies for her, which had been a plan for a while, but I figured this would be a good time. I usually feed her some organic honey graham crackers, which she loves (they're not very good, she just doesn't know it yet), but I wanted to make something myself. I think I am going to make some oatmeal cookies. She really likes oatmeal. Maybe I'll add in some agave nectar or honey for sweetness, or even some apples or something. I know she'll love them however they turn out. Now with Avalyn tucked away asleep, I am thinking of you. How I wish I could send you a card to Heaven, or even some of Ava's cookies. I wish I could send something everyday, just to let you know I am constantly thinking of you. Instead I write these words to you, these sweet and short letters to remind myself I can never forget. Instead I often cry salty, painful tears and weep in shameful silence. Instead I watch Avalyn grow and wish it were you. There are no real letters to Heaven, no real balloons that drift there, no real way for oatmeal cookies to make it there. There is no real way for me to know that YOU KNOW I love you and am thinking of you. So I write, and cry, and write, and cry some more because it just makes me feel better I guess.

Forever still, I love you and early Happy Valentine's Day to my Valentine.

As always,
Mommy

It's a New Year

Dear Briana,

We just welcomed a new year, a new decade...it's 2010. We had a very quiet, relaxing beginning to the new year. We ate dinner at Grandma's and enjoyed quiet time at home, only hearing a few fireworks going off in the night.

I guess this is the time people make goals for the new year...new year's resolutions. I've never really been one to set my mind to a particular goal to celebrate a new year, but this year I've decided to make one. I want to be a better mom. I want to be the best I can be at motherhood. Sounds so simple, so easy, but the task of motherhood is so vastly challenging...so not simple and not easy.

I resolve to spend more time gazing lovingly at Avalyn, forgetting the storm of thoughts and worries blowing through my brain. Those things don't matter. Right here, this moment, right now...Avalyn...she matters. I resolve to spend less time cleaning and fretting over dirty dishes, and more of that time involved in play time with your sister. She loves play time so much better when I am involved. I resolve to give her more hugs and gentle kisses; to tickle her more and to take more time exploring the outdoors with her. After all, she so thoroughly loves being outside...just like you. I resolve to be a better informed, more educated mother; to make decisions on her well-being based on my instincts and research rather that what's communally "acceptable". I resolve to spend more time thinking of you; opening the floodgates of memory, and whatever comes with it....tears, laughter, anger, joys...

I miss you so much, and love you so much more, Briana. It's 2010, a new year, one year closer to you.

As always,
Mommy