Tuesday, July 12, 2011

My Briana



Briana,

My words can not accurately express how much I miss and adore you... you have blessed my life more than I will ever know. You are very much alive in my heart today and always...
Mommy





Hugs & Kisses XOXO



This morning four years ago, we were mourning Briana's loss with incredible pain and disbelief. Today, we still mourn. Her life was so short and much of my memories of her can flash before my eyes in an instant. Losing her has forced me to realize the delicateness of life, and the complete and utter sadness of the finality in death. My head starts buzzing with confusion and I ask myself what the purpose of all of this really is? The purpose of our creation, and of life here, when Heaven is momentously better. Sometimes life doesn't seem worth living when you're being plundered by grief and torment. And it's all around us, in ever nook and cranny, spread across the globe. It's hard enough to see it hit others but when it hits you, it's like nothing else.

Life can be, and is ultimately, very sweet, even with its twists and turns. Life is about opportunity...the opportunity to obtain life-long relationships, to experience love, to touch a life, to laugh, to share, to grow, to make a difference. Life is worth sticking it out through the terrible times, really. Just when your world is tumbling in on you, it's nearly impossible to see opportunity. All that is seen is opportunity lost....gone in the blink of an eye.

Today I still remind myself of why life is so worth living. When I feel paralyzed by guilt and fear, I look at Avalyn and am quickly reminded. She is why life is still good...and all of the people I know and love.







Saturday, May 14, 2011

Dancing in the Rain


Dear Briana,

Sometimes people ask me if things are getting better, or if I am feeling better, in comparison to almost four years ago...when you went away. That's such a dynamic question...some days I feel like I can truthfully answer yes to that question, but other days I am not so sure if I can with all honesty. Like I have always said, time does make things easier, as the rawness of it all wanes, but time surely doesn't heal. The pain and anger, the frustration, regret...it's all still there if I want to dig deep enough.

I hate the thought that I have moved on or moved pass what happened to you, and I know that isn't completely true. I have learned to once again enjoy the beauty in this world and in life, but I know I still am not 100% where I once was, and perhaps will never be. I can now get through the day without a terrible breakdown, I can listen to certain songs without crying (sometimes), look at pictures without sobbing, talk about you without wanting to claw off my face...

STILL, I love you with the same intensity that any mother loves their child, and most likely with more. I have learned that 'healing' (if you want to call it that) is okay, and that smiling and laughing is acceptable, and that loving is necessary....again. I have learned that sometimes life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, but about learning to dance in the rain....

Love always,
Mommy

Sunday, March 27, 2011

My Blue Eyes






Your eyes follow me where ever I go....you are always with me, always tugging at my heart. I promise to remember.

Your Birthday


Dear Briana

So it's just past midnight, the 27th of March, 2011, and today already reminds me of all that should have been. You would be 4 today and we would be celebrating fittingly; party, cake, balloons, friends, all of that. You would be a wide-eyed, bushy-tailed, fun, energetic preschooler. I think of how it would be - how you would be - and it overwhelms me with a certain sadness. I still see other kids and picture you in their shoes, doing the things they're doing, playing hop-scotch at the park, riding bikes, climbing trees. Even though it's hard to imagine, I must envision what would had been.

I miss you terribly, not only on your birthday, but especially on your birthday. I think of the day I birthed you with a common joy and sadness. I can only hope that one day I can think of you and feel nothing but great happiness; perhaps only then will I truly know how proud I am to call myself your mother.

As always,
mommy

Thursday, March 24, 2011

3/23/2007


Hi sweetheart. I am now 6 days past your estimated due date and feeling a little saddened that I haven’t met you yet. Daddy and I thought for sure we’d have you by now. If you decide not to come in the next few days, your doctor is going to make you come out. I am scheduled to go to the hospital to start labor on Monday night, the 26th of March. If this happens, I should be holding you in my arms by Tuesday. A part of me is excited because I know I will have my little girl within a few days, but another part of me is disappointed that it may not happen on its own. I wish I had some sort of sign of labor so I know you’re ready to meet the world, but I haven’t felt anything that would suggest you are. Only you know…I wish you would just let me know! I have our bags packed and ready to go and your car seat is snugly fastened in my car. All I need is a sign from you to tell me to get going.

I feel you moving all the time and I can see your little body jostling around in my belly. It looks like your little butt is always sticking out as far as possible. I push on you some times and you move into another position…I guess you don’t want to be pushed! Daddy and I were watching television the other night and you were moving like crazy. Daddy was so amazed at you and couldn’t help but smile. It is so sweet to see him so intrigued by our little girl. He likes to put his hand on my belly and rub you. He makes you move every time. Seems like you don’t want to be touched! Well, Briana, I will try to write again soon, but hopefully you will decide to come before I have the chance. I love you hunny and I will meet you any day
now!

March 27, 2007




Dear Briana

Four long years ago, heavily pregnant and eager in anticipation, I so longed to hold you in my arms. We were several days past our due date and I wondered if the day would ever come. I waited patiently, enjoying my final few days feeling your presence in my womb, imagining over and over again what it was going to feel like to finally touch you, and then the day arrived. It was very early on a bright and sunny Tuesday, when I first saw you. You were glowing, and this whole earth froze for a moment while I gingerly inspected my new "world". You were all I ever wanted, all I ever imagined, dreamed of, prayed for, and more. And you still are. And I still am...longing for you, and waiting patiently for the promise that has been made to me. I hope and pray that the day I see you again feels just like the first day I ever met you.

So now we approach your 4th birthday and I can't help but envision you as a cheery, playful preschooler. I am so sorry that you don't have that chance. No matter how much I yell at myself and tell you I am sorry, it doesn't change the outcome. All I can think to somehow muster the strength to carry on is that you're in a good place and that I will see you again. I'm holding on to that because that's really the only way I can hold on.

I love you and miss you every day.
As always.
Mommy

Saturday, January 1, 2011

It's Another New Year


Dear Briana,

We welcomed a new year today; it's officially the start of the year 2011. That number is just crazy to me - 2011 - two thousand and eleven. That's a lot of years and there were many before. It makes me realize how much our individual day-to-day existence and experiences are nothing but a vapor - a quick flash, or a blink of the eye, in the lens of eternity. This existence and experience is so profound and critical to us in this mere moment, but in the scope of time, it means relatively nothing. Our vitality here on earth is just a precursor to eternity, where time is of no significance. We are in perpetual worry of making time, saving time, being on time, etc, but really what is time...how much do we really need, and how much do we really have? We know very little about time, because this time that we have and keep record of is just like us, nothing but dust.

What I really want to say out of all of this gibberish and ranting is that I spend all of this time sulking and fearing and regretting and every other 'ing' and of what purpose is it? When I will see you again and none of this will matter, this earth, or time, nor worry....And whatever time really is and for the rest of it I will spend with you. My heart rests and keeps peace in this...what I believe to be truth.

I miss you just as much as ever in this new year. It may be 2011 but I still hold precious your life as I did in 2007. You are forever and eternally my daughter. I love you so so much.

As always,
Mommy