I remember the first time I laughed after Briana passed. Brian and I were in the car and Brian made a joke of something, I don't quite remember what, and I tentatively broke out into a quiet laugh. This chuckle only lasted a second or two before I caught myself...did I just laugh? Why am I laughing? There is nothing to laugh about!! Never again will I break like that!
I don't remember how soon after her passing this event occured, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. I hysterically broke down into an aching cry, yelling at myself for allowing myself to have a laugh. Brian explained to me that it is okay to smile again, to laugh again, and that one day it won't hurt to do those things. I didn't believe him. The pain I felt after I laughed was so intense, so real. How could I ever laugh or smile without my baby?
Over a year and a half later, the pain I used to feel when allowing myself to 'have a good time' or chuckle a bit has dissipated and is almost nonexistent. Especially now with having Briana's little sister around, laughter is a common visitor to my lips and it feels good. How could we not just live with a constant smile on our faces with little Avalyn around to cheer us up? But there are still times I think about it, the pain that once loomed after grins and giggles. And it still shows up every so often, but not as strongly. It's wonderful to experience true happiness again, with no guilt attached.
No comments:
Post a Comment