March 27, 2007

Dear Briana

Four long years ago, heavily pregnant and eager in anticipation, I so longed to hold you in my arms. We were several days past our due date and I wondered if the day would ever come. I waited patiently, enjoying my final few days feeling your presence in my womb, imagining over and over again what it was going to feel like to finally touch you, and then the day arrived. It was very early on a bright and sunny Tuesday, when I first saw you. You were glowing, and this whole earth froze for a moment while I gingerly inspected my new "world". You were all I ever wanted, all I ever imagined, dreamed of, prayed for, and more. And you still are. And I still am...longing for you, and waiting patiently for the promise that has been made to me. I hope and pray that the day I see you again feels just like the first day I ever met you.

So now we approach your 4th birthday and I can't help but envision you as a cheery, playful preschooler. I am so sorry that you don't have that chance. No matter how much I yell at myself and tell you I am sorry, it doesn't change the outcome. All I can think to somehow muster the strength to carry on is that you're in a good place and that I will see you again. I'm holding on to that because that's really the only way I can hold on.

I love you and miss you every day.

As always.

Mommy