Your 5th Birthday

Dear Briana,

We are approaching your 5th Birthday, and I can't help but feel somber just thinking about it. So many emotions revisit me this time of the year. It's all bittersweet....I remember the joy and elation of giving birth to you, but the remembrance of losing you is just so overwhelming.

Still...I can so clearly think back to the early morning hours of March 27, 2007, and feel the knots in my stomach knowing I was moments from holding you, something I had longed for and imagined for so long. I remember the shock and terror I felt when the nurse told me we had to be rushed in for an emergency c-section when your heart rate kept plummeting. I remember feeling faint and ill just moments before you were born, but then I heard your voice, and the world froze for an instant. Your cry was loud, strong, piercing...all of my doubts and anxieties quickly subsided, and I fell into a sea of calm. Then I saw your face, wrapped tightly in a blanket, your eyes were wide open to the world in amazement and utter shock. I wanted so desperately to hold you in my arms and tell you everything was okay but I could barely move anything but my head. Daddy held you close to my face as I took in your beauty and said hello. I remember holding you for the very first time an hour or so later. Your skin pressed up against mine felt so right, and you laid there calm and quiet, eyes wide open. I remember pressing my face against your soft, bald head and taking in your smell. You were precious, and holding you in my arms felt just as right as I imagined it feeling. You were perfect in every way.

Tomorrow will be hard, though every day is a struggle with you gone. I try to look at your pictures and appreciate those special moments we had with you. I have to somehow allow those memories to take precedence over the others. Maybe one day that will come more naturally. For now, I just know I miss you terribly and wish things were different.

I love you and my whole heart aches for you,

Mommy