Unfortunately, for me, there is life after the death of my daughter, as unbearable as it can be most days. I am trying to regain some hope for my future in this world, and this pregnancy helps, but I don't know if I'll truly be able to embrace the beauty of life the same as I once did. I know that once I have Avalyn in my arms, that I will be overcome with love and joy, but will it be the same? Or, will this deep crater within my heart prevent me from ever feeling content and fulfilled, no matter what happiness the rest of my years can offer? Will I always feel so empty and broken? If only there was a magic window or lense I could peer into and see myself years from now; how will I be when I am old and grey, how will I feel? Or maybe I really don't want to have a sneak peak into my future...what if it remains dark and grey? What if the sun never shines again? What if I don't make it until I am old and grey? Even if I do, will I just be counting down the days until I see my sunshine, my Briana, again?
I want to KNOW that she is in Heaven and that I will hold her again; that I will see her smile, take in her smell, once again. I believe that I will. She is so good and so pure, without absolutely any imperfection, if there is indeed a place like Heaven, she would be there. Jesus, are you holding my baby? Tell me that she is well...so much better than she could be here on this tainted Earth. Does she dance? Is she playing with other children lost? Is she excited to see me again? I want to know...I need to know. How is my baby? How does one hear God? I wish I could hear you, I bet you are speaking to me now, reassuring me of your goodness and mercy; whispering in my ear that my Briana is better than ever, and that she is, too, counting down the days until she sees her mommy again.
Count them down, my sweet angel baby. Mommy is busy counting, too. My heart aches to reach you again. My arms ache to hold you one more time. I will not be satisfied until the time comes that we are one again. Space and time may separate us, but my heart is forever linked with yours.
About Me
- brianasmommy
- Mother of two. Briana, my precious sweets, waiting for me in Heaven. Avalyn, my little firecracker, fiesty and energetic, keeping mommy on her toes. Wife to a wonderful, rock solid husband of over 7 years. I'd be so lost without him.
2 comments:
My Baby Sandra Renee,
I know it is unbearable here for you without your daughter. So you have to understand how unbearable it would be for me to be without you both! It is very fortunate for me that you do remain. Please hang in there for I would want to follow you.
When Avalyn is in our arms we will be overcome with love and joy unique to her and I presume also be overcome with emotion of the loss of her sister. I have to assume that for once our joy will be greater than our pain.
I can only tell you what your dear Nana told me when I was pregnant for you. I too was uncertain of my love and devotion for you. I didn't know if I could love you as much as your dear sister. Nana simply explained how our love is an neverending thing. As much love as we give out is than replenished by an neverending amount so we never run out and have more to give.
I believe in a heaven above that God has made for us to be with the ones that we love. I look forward to the day when I see our little sunshine Briana again. I'm not so frightened of death any more. I'll see her smiling face. I also believe that your dear Grandfather is holding her now telling her stories about us when we where young. I believe she plays with other children that have passed. I believe that everyone that loved me who has passed is taking care of her until I arrive and take her back into my arms again. They wait for me as Briana waits for you.
Sandy,
My heart aches for you still.
AS I read your blog, I am crying for you. You have an amazing talent for writing your feelings.
You have worded everything so eloquently.
I can't begin to imagine!
I do believe in heaven, and I do believe that Briana is running around, with the other kids.
She loves you Sandy!
She is not in pain, she is happy.
She is a proud big sister, and she can't wait for you to meet Avalyn! She knows that Avalyn, will bring you happiness, and although you will always have a hole in your heart, it will be much smaller!
Take Care of yourself! Please e-mail me if you wish!
All the best,
Natasha (Nats_Irish_Eyes from Babyfit!)
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