Letters to Heaven

Sweet baby girl,Lately days have been really tough and excruciatingly long. We are awaiting the birth of your sister in the upcoming weeks, and you are all over my mind. The floodgates of my memory are wide open, and sweet memories of you are bursting out. I remember the last days being pregnant with you and the joy and excitement I felt knowing your arrival was just around the corner. I was so thrilled to meet my perfect baby girl and hold her tight against my body. You were all I had ever hoped for, all that a mommy could ever want in life. And to finally meet you, and feel the warmth of your tiny body, was Heaven to me.I don't know exactly why these last days have been so particularly hard for me, since finally I see happiness on the horizon, but I am feeling tested in every way. I am fighting off fears and worries of something terrible happening to your sister and battling thoughts that I may fail at being a parent. I have tried preparing as much as possible these past months, but I still feel as if I am missing something. I think after losing you, that I will always feel like I am behind in life and missing out on something that can be so much better...something that makes so much more sense. I am babbling, I know...I just miss you so much. I want to hold you so bad...and smell you, and kiss you. I want to feel the softness of your skin and silky smoothness of your hair. Sometimes when I think hard enough and reach back deep into my memories, I can actually feel you...like you're right back in my arms. I can feel my cheek rub against your hair...and smell the fragrance of your skin...feel your body in my arms, nestled snugly against my skin. If I remember long enough, I can hear your beautiful voice again...and see your lips perk up to a smile as I stare deeply into your ocean blue eyes. When I reach deep enough, you are all mine all over again, safe in mommy's loving arms. If only there was a way I could keep you there, never to let you go again...I would. Briana, mommy will always be so in love with you, so captivated by your charm and loveliness. You own a place in my heart that will never be erased, nor replaced. My heart is yours forever. I love you more than I'll ever be able to comprehend....our love is so intense and real. I hope you felt that when you were here. I hope that you always felt wrapped in the cloak of my love, felt the adoration that only exists between a mother and her child, felt constant desire and allegiance. I hope you know that I wanted nothing but the best for you, my daughter. If I accomplished this, then shame has no place. I love you, my sweets.Mommy