Letters to Heaven

April 3, 2008
I can't believe it's been over 8 months and 3 weeks since I've last held you in my arms, cherishing my sweet little girl. I miss our days together, bath time, our walks and bike rides, shopping together. I am so alone without you. My days feel so empty and dark - time just drags on without you. I have pictures all over the house of you and every time I look at them, I cry. I want our time back, I want to go back!I miss you, baby! I will spend the rest of my life missing you, grieving for you. I am always thinking about you, remembering you. I will always cherish the time we had together. It was the best time of my life. I thank you for that. You are and will always be the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love you and adore you, Briana. I am holding you tight in my heart and I will never let go.Mommy loves you!

April 12, 2008
Today is the 12th...marks the ninth month since you left for Heaven. It feels like it was yesterday...I can't believe it is getting close to a year. Where does the time go? Time just doesn't exist without you. I miss you so much....I love you endlessly. You are forever my angel.

April 25, 2008
I love you Briana, foreverMy love for you will long outlive my life here on earth. It will thrive long after the end of this earth. You may be gone, but the love we have has survived. You are always on my mind, everything I do, I do in remembrance of you. You are permanently alive in my heart, for you have touched it so, leaving a mark that will stand the test of time.I miss you so much, baby girl. Days are so hard and so long without you. Soon it will be a year since you left us; oh, how time just flies, even though at times it feels like it's frozen. I always imagine how you would be today, what you would look like, what you would be doing...then I smile a bit, and cry even more...then reimagine you again. I see you running through open fields, chasing love bugs, picking flowers, running your fingers through the grass. I picture your hair blowing in the breeze, your eyes shining like the sun, your smile lighting up my world. I imagine myself playfully chasing you around the house, accompanied by laughter and love. Thinking about this hurts so much...knowing of the time and memories we were robbed of. But I need to imagine...I anxiously await to see you again, until then I will always imagine.Mommy loves you and misses you, baby.

May 13, 2008
Briana, mommy misses you so. Mother's Day just wasn't a day without you. I woke up to tears streaming from my eyes, and that stream continued off and on through the day. Your daddy tried to keep me busy, but my mind just couldn't seem to keep up. My mind is always on you; I think of you constantly. I think, I remember, I contemplate, I wonder, I imagine...Today I just can't stop thinking about the night you went to Heaven. I can't stop thinking about the regrets that I have. I would have done anything to keep you, to save you...if I had only known. Here's a quick poem I wrote...this sadness is a dark cloud over me and sometimes writing helps. I love you my sweet angel...forever.If only I knew the dangers,I would have done what is rightI’d given it allTo save you that nightI would have watched you sleepGrin in your dream’s delightNever for one second,Let you out of my sightI would have held youNever to let you go, my grasp so tightFought off the kiss of deathWith all of my mightAnd if only I couldNow that I can see the lightI so wish to go backTo save you that night

June 5, 2008
Angel baby,Mommy has been so sad all day today. I am realizing that no matter how busy I try to keep, no matter what I do or where I go, there is this dark, thundering cloud looming over me constantly. Nothing in this life seems substantial enough, or reason enough to keep me content. I am missing something that can never be replaced...I am missing you! It seems I am never happy, never relaxed for more than a minute, never smile more than a few seconds until I feel the return of pain. Nothing exists in this life that can return my joy or love of life. I often wonder, but now more than ever, will I ever be happy again? Will I ever truly live again before I die? I feel so lost and confused, and stumble through each day not sure of my purpose. Without you, what is my purpose? I am so angry at myself, at God, at my life and what it's become. Will I live the rest of this life angry and disoriented?Life is like a wild horse... I can either ride it or it will ride me. Right now, I am being thrown around wildly by this life, this horse. I just don't know if I ever can regain control.Briana, you have a little sister on the way. We are naming her Avalyn Joy. If only you were here to welcome her into the world with us. You two would be the best of friends and the closest of sisters. I am so sorry that you will not be able to experience the incredible bond of a sister here on earth. Still, she will know all about you and will always speak of you as if you are here. We will be sure to incorporate you, and your memory, into everything we do as a family, because you are our family. I am always thinking of you and holding onto our memories we made together. I miss you terribly...there are no words, no way of speech that can explain the magnitude of love that I will always have for you.

June 27, 2008
I love you, precious Briana. I always say it, but I wonder if you hear me. I love you, I love you, I love you!!! Do you hear me? I think about you all the time, you are never far from my mind. You gave us so much happiness and overwhelming joy while you were here with us. You filled our lives, our hearts, our home with laughter and love. Thank you so much for giving us so much love. You are so beautiful, so lovely, my sweets. I miss you so much. I know you are being taken care of in Heaven, happy in the arms of Jesus. There are no such things as tears or pain in Heaven. For that, I am so glad. I love you!

July 22, 2008
Briana, it's been just over one year since you left to go home and be with Jesus. I miss you just the same as I did back then. The pain of having to accept your departure is still deep and raw. I cry now, but look forward to the day when I can think of my time with you and smile, fully appreciating the 106 days I had you in my arms. You are such a treasure, it's just that right now the memories are so painful, knowing what we're missing out on.We all miss you, Briana. Daddy and I constantly think about you and talk about how much you're missed. Grandma deeply misses the time she spent with you, too. During this short time you had on Earth, you touched so many lives. You are a great inspiration to all who ever knew you and even many who didn't. Your story and memory will always be cherished, never forgotten. You are such a wonderful little girl.I love you, sweetie.