Memorial Poem

I wrote this with the intention to use it for Briana's memorial, but never did.

In this, all of life
There is only one thing I know as sure
No, not what I see, that which surrounds
Only this is true and pure
I know this I cannot see
But, here, in my heart of hearts
I know it’s meant to be

I will see you again
Watch the heavens open so wide
In the light of His glory
With you by my side
Angels will sing His praise
And with you
I will spend all eternity’s days

Yes, in my life
I will not grieve my last day
As I draw my last breath
I know all will be okay
Not one tear will I cry
Nor worry will I fret
I will welcome this last -
‘Goodbye’

Because I will see you again
Watch the heavens open so wide
In the light of His glory
With you by my side
Angels will sing His Praise
And with you
I will spend all eternity’s days

People, don’t cry for me
When this day arrives
Don’t shed one tear
This is the reason I survived
Be it tomorrow or twenty-thousand from then
I wait, assured
My long journey will be fulfilled
When

I see her again
Watch the heavens open so wide
In the light of His glory
With her by my side
And the angels will sing His Praise
And with her
I will spend all of eternity’s days
- In memory of my precious daughter,
Briana Marie

I am Thankful

Thanksgiving is just around the corner. I am actually looking forward to the holidays this year. I have a baby in my arms and much to be thankful for. Last Thanksgiving was torture. The world could have ended and I wouldn't had cared. I would have welcomed it, and end to this misery. And Christmas just around the corner?? Ugh, world just end!!

Now that I have had a year to grieve and recover, and have since welcomed a tiny new life into this world, I care more. I have a lot to be thankful for, and world, please, don't end just yet.

I am thankful.

I am thankful for the opportunity to love and to cherish and to cradle...tiny bodies and special memories.

I am thankful that more often these opportunities flourish into more loveliness, more time to cherish and to cradle and create more lasting memories.

I am thankful that even those that don't, still existed even for a fleeting moment in time; and still own a sacred place in my heart.

I am thankful for LIFE, even though it can really put a hurtin' on me sometimes. For all of the heartbreaks and stubbed toes, LIFE is so special and momentously rewarding.

I am thankful for GOD, who is LIFE. Period.

I am thankful for my family, who, for the most part, has been remarkably supportive of me over the past year and a half. Family makes this ride of LIFE so worth it.

I am thankful for friends; for their kind words, quiet prayers and subtle thoughts.

I am thankful for my darling husband. We have been on quite the roller coaster this past while, and he has been so solid and supportive through it all.

I am thankful for my DAUGHTERS. Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend...DAUGHTERS are. My daughters are more precious than anything to me, and most certainly any stone, no matter how shiny and costly. My daughters are priceless. Briana and Avalyn are so precious, and are most certainly the best things I have to show for my life. I am so, so thankful for them. I owe them my LIFE.

Letters to Heaven

Dearest Briana,

Your sister has been home for just over 8 weeks now and has been keeping mommy and daddy extremely busy. Avalyn is changing so much every day and her increasing smiles and long, lovely gazes remind me of the joy I had felt with you. There are so many reminders of your lovliness now that she is here. So many things she does, her facial expressions and sounds she makes bring me back to the days I spent with you. Sometimes that feels good, other times it simply hurts.

Last night I had a bit of a meltdown, curled up in a ball in the corner of Avalyn's room, your photo album in hand, and just cried until I felt better. It felt relieving to have a good cry again and to really look at your pictures with the intention to....remember. I barely have the time anymore to even take a moment to gather my thoughts, so allowing myself those moments last night was special, even though they hurt.

Even though I don't have the time to really intently think about you and cry over you, I still miss you so much. I hate the idea that I will remember less and grieve less often with time. I have to really dismiss the thought that I am forgetting about you if I don't take the time to remember. I will never forget about you! You are always foremost in my thoughts and a bubbling life stream in my heart. You have shaped my life and my heart more than I could have ever shaped yours. I love you so much and miss you so much more. That will always hold true...and this love I have for you can never be forgotten.

So in Love

I love this picture. Brian is so in love with little Avalyn. He is the best daddy ever.

Welcome to Holland

This one was written by a mom who had a special needs child, but it still fits for the loss of a child:
QUOTE
Welcome To Hollandby Emily Perl Kingsley c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved. I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this...... When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting. After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland." "Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy." But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place. So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills.... and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts. But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned." And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss. But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland

So this is what it's like

Avalyn Joy was born on September 29th at 9:21am. She came out kicking and hollering, music to mine and Brian's ears. She weighed in at 7lbs 8oz and her length measured 20 1/2". We spent 3 nights at the hospital getting to know our new little bundle...it was almost like a vacation, but even better. I told Brian the day after having her that I feel like a new person, and I meant exactly that. I actually feel alive again and am treasuring each moment of this new life. Avalyn is such a sweet, happy baby. Some of her feautures remind me of her sister's, but yet she is so completely different. I remember hoping during my pregnancy, that Avalyn would be just like her sister...that she would look like her, act like her, smile like her....that she would be her all over again. She's most definitely not. Still, she brings a smile to my face and memories of Briana are all-consuming. So different, yet so much the same. So this is what it's like to live again...to be a mommy all over again. I am so happy...finally. I will always miss my Briana, but Avalyn has brought me new life. I owe her so much for that.