I Am Always Thankful

Dear Briana

Today is Thanksgiving Day and as I am baking in the kitchen, you are on my mind. We like to spend today with those we are most thankful for, sharing memories and laughs over a delicious turkey dinner, playing games and watching the Thanksgiving Day parade or a classic Christmas comedy. With this in mind, my day wouldn't be complete if I didn't spend some time remembering one of the things I am most thankful for - you. You may not be here to join us at the table or play amongst your cousins, but you are always present in my heart and in my mind. I am most thankful for the memories you gave me and the time we shared - those can never be forgotten or replaced. I still thank God for you even now that you are gone. Every parent tells of how much their children taught them, about how much they have grown as a person because of their children, and I think I can say that even more so because of you. You have taught me so much; perhaps more than I wanted. But because of you, I am a strong person - stronger than ever before.

You have taught me how to be a mother. You have taught me humility, compassion, discipline, the virtue of being a parent, you have taught me how to truly love, and how to truly let go. You have taught me how to forgive; you have taught me that I am courageous, that I am good, that it's okay to hate myself as long as I can forgive myself, you have taught me that tears can heal, that time does have some magic. You have taught me the full spectrum of joy and the full spectrum of grief. You have taught me that there is indeed always sunshine after the storm; that life does go on - if you like it or not. You have taught me that it's okay that the world doesn't stop when mine does. You have taught me that people do mean good just may have a hard time knowing how to express it. You have taught me that I am LOVED! You have taught me that perhaps God doesn't have a handle on it all; that I am the one in charge of my life. You have taught me that things happen; good and bad, and sometimes there's just no way around it; yet sometimes there is, but you may never know. You have taught me that things aren't always fair, aren't always right, but I must move forward. You have taught me to live for today and not for yesterday or tomorrow. You have taught me that today is what matters; to make the best of it. You have taught me how to fight; how to fight for my life or for what's left of it. I fought hard, and because of you, I won. I am forever thankful, today and always.

I love you, as always

Mommy

Ava saves me when I'm feeling blue

Tonight hasn't been a good night. Remembering my far too few days spent with Briana while looking at all of her pictures has left me feeling numb and overwhelmingly sad. How much I miss her cannot and will not be expressed through words. To Brian and I, Briana is the most beautiful thing that has ever touched this earth and our tears and sadness can never measure the impact she has had on our lives. We miss her deeply and long for her with every breath.

Brian and I tip-toed into sleeping Ava's room after sharing many tears; knowing that every bout with sadness must end with a shred of hope - some happiness. Watching Avalyn as she slept gave us strength and confirmed our purpose. She slept quietly and soundly until I whispered to her, "Ava, I love you".

She twisted and turned, and with a sigh, responded,

"I love you, mommy."

The sweetest thing I have ever heard. How can I ever thank her?

Baths & Bubbles

You absolutely loved bath time. During the day you would take a bath by yourself in your little tub, and at night you and I would take one together. I remember when I was pregnant with you I would lay in the tub at night and excitedly watch my belly in hopes that you would start to move. You often did so I would just lay there and watch, trying to distinguish your elbows from your knees and your hands from your toes. Sometimes if you were quiet and I wanted you to wake up, I would tap the tub and you would begin to move. One time I unplugged the drain and it made a loud tatter against the bottom of the tub and you jumped so hard...I figured I must of scared you. Even after your birth, you seemed so energetic in the tub. You'd kick and slap your hands against the surface of the water. You'd smile and stick out your tongue. How much we loved bath time! I love the picture of you with bubbles all over your head. To me the picture shows you exactly as I want to remember you - energetic, happy, playful, beautiful, bright....

I miss you...I could never say it enough.

As always, with love

Mommy

Forever in Our Hearts

Briana

Mommy's sitting here, crying over losing you and reading other parent's terrible stories of loss. I ran into this poem. I will never forget you. These tears seem to renew my love for you. It feels good. I love you so so much.

As always, Mommy

FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS

We thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new.
We thought about you yesterday, and days before that too. We think of you in silence; we often speak your name,
but all we have are memories and your pictures in a frame. A million times we've longed for you...a million times we cried.
If love could only have saved you, you never would have died. It broke our hearts to lose you, but you didn't go alone. Part of us went with you the day God called you Home. In life we loved you dearly; in death we love you still. In our hearts you hold a place no one can ever fill. Your memory is our keepsake, with which we'll never part. God has you in His home; we have you in our hearts.

~Author Unknown

3 Years

It's been three years since you've been gone and I am so sorry things are this way. I intended on being the best mother I could be for you; yet I had fallen way short. There is no feeling more tragic than this...I failed you! You were my tiny, precious gift to take care of, and somewhere I went wrong, terribly wrong. I wish I did better; I wish I could have took your place. All of these random thoughts and hopes, but it can never be made better. I'm so so sorry,